Threads of Insanity
by The Flying Rats
Summary: Be careful what you wish for, because you may get it.' Magic, mayhem and bored teenage goddesses combine in a story to rival all others in insanity, where people turn into chickens and noodles pour out of the skies. PG13 for various potty mouths.
1. In Which Megami Is Bored and Decides to ...

_Chapter One: In Which Megami is Bored and Decides to Do Something About It _

Author's Notes: Heyla! Welcome to The Flying Rat's first attempt at a halfway decent story. Note the word 'attempt' used in that sentence. I know some of you have probably seen this story up before—I know someone reviewed it too—and are probably thinking: Er? Uh, why are they publishing this thing three times? To make a long story short, our italics and weren't working and I refused to put it up until they did. So here ya go. Many apologies to all. 

Disclaimer: Neither Julie or Krissy owns Skan, Elden, or any other trademark characters of the Valdemar Series. Megami, however, does belong to them. If you steal her for your own story, Krissy will come and whack you with her Mallet of Doom. Oh. Yes. Krissy and Julie also do not own the lyrics to 'Where the Nuts hunt the Squirrels'. Even though they wish they did.  

*           *           *

Hi. I'm Megami, the daughter of the Star Eyed and Vkandis. Yeah, I know you probably didn't know they were together, and they're not any more. They used to be really in love and all that, but it just didn't work out. The whole sun vs. stars, day vs. night thing sort of got in the way. He wants it to be bright, she wants it dark, and so on. Mother doesn't see how Father can stand being worshiped by those stiff-necked Karsites, and Father thinks Mother should help her normal Shin'a'in more. I mean, you'd think that since the sun is just another star, they could deal with it. But nooo, they have to harp on the day/night thing. So anyway, they got a daughter out of it, who just happens to be me. I get in trouble a lot. It's not my fault though, I'm only fifteen million years old, and I don't know any better! Okay, so I'm fifteen million, six hundred thirty nine thousand seven hundred fifty eight, but really, who's counting? Besides, I've got all this great magic, and I don't know half of what I can do with it yet!

So anyway, I was watching life in the "human" world through the Scry-Pool in my room. It was getting kind of boring though. I mean, you can only watch things so many times before it gets old. On this particular day, I was watching the war between Urtho and Ma'ar. I'd already watched it about a bazillion times, but nothing interesting was going on in the present, and I was bored. So I was watching one of the Black gryphon's many heroic missions, when I had a thought. Now for me, this was not an event to get excited about. In fact, it was a fairly common event. The thing was, this was a thought that could lift the boredom, at least for a while. And it wouldn't take much to turn my thought into a reality. Just a few twitches in the time/space continuum was all it would take. So I scanned through my Pool, to find the perfect time and place to put my thought.

Maybe I should explain. I usually refer to my ideas like this, but I s'pose this time I might want to explain my idea. See, I thought, what if the Black Gryphon were to come back, at some date soon enough after he lived that people still remembered him, but long enough that he would be completely perfect in every way? Lots of fun to watch! And what if not only the Skan in his prime came back, but also the Skan just after the Haighlei incident, and a Skan who was too old to do much but sit around complaining? Even more fun!

So I found a place to bring the Skans--a place called Valdemar, which happened to be suffering from the after-effects of an almost Cataclysm repeat that I really didn't mean to cause. (I really didn't I swear! These things just happen to me...) This country also happened to have two Gryphons, who just happened to be Skan worshipers at Haven, their capital. More and more fun! But which Skan to bring to the future first? If I brought the wrong Skan first, the effect could be ruined! After some thought, I decided that the youngest Skan should come first. If I could get him at the right time, he could make a very impressive entrance. I watched in Skan's time until he was acting his most impressive, about to attack some makkar. Just as he let loose a war scream, I _Twisted_. Skan, leaping from a rock prepared to try to rip makkar limb from limb, instead found himself facing a group of noble children - who, needless to say, ran screaming. Skan quickly ceased his scream, and landed. Just as the Herald one of the children had run into who had been able to translate the child's incoherent babbling arrived.

*           *           *

Skandranon Rashkae was very upset. Not to mention confused. He had been about to make yet another heroic kill, when he found he was leaping at not a pair of makkar, but a group of young humans. He had immediately back winged to a halt and landed, but now a rather annoyed looking adult in a white uniform was coming towards him. Now, Skan was not in a good mood, and was quite ready to argue with someone. What he wasn't prepared for was the stream of babble that spouted from the man's mouth. _Sketi. I must have somehow gotten Gated to another country. That means I'll somehow have to find a Mage to Gate me back without speaking a word of their language._ He thought.

"Listen, if you recognize my language, either answer me, or find someone else who can." Skan told the man. The man looked startled, then thoughtful. _This will be so much easier if at least one of these people speaks my language. _He thought. Instead of speaking though, the man Mindspoke Skan. 

_:Do you Mindspeak?:_ He asked. 

_:Who are you? Where am I? What happened?:_ Skan demanded. Before the man could answer, however, another gryphon appeared, without a Gate, and with no warning at all. The new gryphon appeared to be about thirteen years older than Skan, was the same type as Skan was, though a bit less lean, and was just as black as Skan was.

"Who the hell are you?" The new gryphon demanded Skan.

_:Who the hell is that?:_ The man demanded at the same time. _:For that matter, who are you? How did you get here? Why were you attacking those kids?:_

_:I'm Skandranon Rashkae. Who the hell are you?:_ Skan Mindspoke both of them, hoping the other Gryphon could Mindspeak.

_:I am Herald Elden, a Herald of Valdemar. What the hell are you doing here?:_ The man said. At the same time, the other Gryphon was Mindspeaking.

_:You little imposter! I'm Skandranon! How dare you impersonate me? Now who the hell are you? Why, even at your age I wouldn't have dared to impersonate someone ten times greater than I could ever hope to be! Not that there were any Gryphons better then me, but the principle is there. Where the hell is Valdemar?:_

_:Why would I want to impersonate myself? I'm the one and only Skan, and you're a senile old geezer! How the hell should I know where Valdemar is?:_

_:ME, a senile old geezer?! How dare you? You want a geezer, that's a geezer!:_ the other Gryphon gestured towards another new Gryphon, as black as the other two, but much older and almost fat.

_:Are you calling me a geezer? How dare you? Do you know who I am? This is the great Skandranon Rashkae you're calling a geezer!:_ The newest Gryphon Mindspoke all of them. _:Why, in my prime I killed twenty makkar in one go on a regular basis!:_

_:I'm Skandranon Rashkae, and I killed thirty every day!:_ The other Gryphon declared. Skan, not to be outdone by a couple of senile old geezers, added his part.

_:I'm the real Skandranon Rashkae, and I kill fifty makkar every day before breakfast! You two are a couple of senile old geezers who don't know what you're talking about. And if you killed so many makkar, why are you still here? I've never seen a Gryphon who actually did everything he boasted about reach as old as you two!:_

_:You ignorant young fool!:_ The oldest shouted. _:I was the one who killed Ma'ar at the end of the War with the box Urtho gave me! Of course I'm still alive, I had to rescue Kechara!:_

_:What do you mean you killed Ma'ar?! Urtho gave me that box, and it was me who rescued Aubri and Kechara!:_ The middle retorted.

_:End of the war? What are you fools talking about? The war is still going strong, with no end in sight! And who the hell are Aubri and Kechara?:_

*           *           *

This was going even better then I thought it would! I almost burst out laughing, but refrained myself just in time. You could never know when Mother is listening in. But if she wasn't paying attention to the right time or place, this could go on for quite some time. I watched the Skans argue for a while longer, until they finally figured out that they all really were Skan. Then they noticed that the Herald was still there, and started pounding him with questions about where and when they were, how they had gotten there, and what was going on. Unfortunately, I couldn't watch much of this, because soon after they started, Mother came into my room. Boy, did she look mad.

"Megami, what have I told you, time and time again about playing with the time space continuum? And what rule have you ignored once again about interfering with peoples lives that don't need interfering with? Megami, you are fifteen, I think it's time you showed a little more maturity! I'm taking away your Pool for a thousand years!"

"But mom, if you don't let me do anything, I'll just want to do it more," I whined. "Not my Pool, mom! Please? I swear I'll never mess with time again! Pleeeease mom?"

"Keep whining about it, and I'll take it away for two thousand. And don't bother going to your father. He and I agree on this one." Mother said in a tone that would accept no argument. Phooey. Oh, well. Back to boredom I guess...

*           *           *

Skan felt very confused. Which was to be expected. When one finds out that three of himself have been transported through time to a place they didn't even know existed, one gets confused. Not to mention that he had just found out that he ended the war by dropping a 'box' on Ma'ar. Although he failed to see how a wooden box would do much good against the most evil Mage to ever live. Well, maybe if it knocked him out so Skan could rip him to shreds.... Or something.

_:Skandranon?:_ Herald Elden asked, jerking Skan out of his muddled thoughts.

_:What?:_ All three Gryphons replied simultaneously, and then promptly glared at each other.

_:Oh gods. This is going to be_ so _much fun.:_ the oldest Skan remarked sarcastically.

_:Be quiet. That Herald guy is asking us something again.:_ snapped the middle Skan, looking faintly annoyed.

_:--know Urtho?:_ Finished Elden, looking at the Skans expectantly.

_:Of course--:_ Began the oldest Skan,

_:--we did, he did create us after all,:_ The middle Skan picked up,

_:so how could we not know him?:_ Finished the youngest Skan, just before he realized what they had done. 

_:Okay,:_ Herald Elden commented after a long silence _:Am I the only one who thought that was really creepy?:_

None of the Skans replied. They all appeared to be in some sort of state of shock.

*           *           *   

Elden felt tired. He had just finished trying to convince Kerowyn that sleep really was necessary, and she didn't need to be awake every minute of the day, and was about to go take a bath....

When a kid came running out of nowhere, screaming bloody murder. He had finally gotten from the kid's babbling that a giant black monster had appeared in midair, and attacked them. So Elden went to deal with this "monster"-- which he expected to be an older kid or two playing tricks -- and had found himself faced with a Gryphon. Fortunately, he had seen Treyven and Hydona enough that he recognized it for what it was. He had started spouting the usual stream of babble -- who was the Gryphon, where had it come from, what was it doing here, and so on -- when the Gryphon started a babble of its own. In a different language. Elden hadn't thought of the fact that the Gryphon didn't speak Valdemaran, and was slightly startled. Then he remembered something Treyven had said about some Gryphons having Mindspeach, so he decided to try it. The Gryphon did Mindspeak, but as soon as he had, another Gryphon appeared. This one also Mindspoke, but evidently thought it was the same Gryphon as the first one. And as if this wasn't confusing enough, another Gryphon appeared, who insisted that it was the same Gryphon as the first two. Elden's head hurt. Evidently this -- these? -- was the Skandranon that Treyven practically worshiped. Elden was just as glad Treyven wasn't here at the moment. So the Skandranons had eventually convinced each other that they really were all Skandranon, and had started pounding Elden with questions about Valdemar. Elden really had no idea what to do with these people, but decided he had to do something, before they terrorized anyone. From what they had acted like so far, they would probably think people's reactions to them would be hilarious.

_:Um, Skandranons?:_ he Mindspoke them

_:Yes?: _The Gryphons replied.

_:You may want to explain yourselves to a few people. The Queen already knows, of course, but some things are much more, ah, convincing in person. Besides, if you don't, rumors are likely to spread that thirty thousand evil demons are attacking, and some would-be heroes will try to make things difficult for you.: _There, at least that would make them someone else's problem.

_:Okay, I suppose we can do that,:_ said the oldest Skan.

_:But only because explaining who we are and why we had to kill a few young fools would be much more complicated.:_ finished the middle one. 

_:But how does the Queen kno -- ohhh, right, the Companions!:_ The Skandranons said.

*           *           *

_One hundred million three thousand and two..._

Lazily, I lounged across one of the couches in my room, trying to count all the people in the world before the damn things reproduced again. 

_Shit._

Dammit. Population surge. I gave up, and instead started singing some weird song a couple Imagination-sprites taught me once. I had been rather fond of those two; they had brightened up the little time they had spent here considerably.

"I live in a place where the nuts hunt the squirrels, in a place where the nuts hunt the squirrels, haha...It's a beautiful spot where I don't think a lot, and mostly I don't think of girls like you, hoo-ha, I don't think of girls like YOU!"

"MEGAMI! STOP THAT INFERNAL RACKET!" Mother yelled, and I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue. 

"Yeah yeah yeah..." I sighed, wishing Mother wasn't in such a bad mood. She was usually a lot more lenient then this. 

"Really Megami, I expect better of you then this," Mother stalked into the room, hands on her hips. I noticed she was in Warrior form; never a good sign. Personally, I liked it best when she as in Mother mode. When Mother was Mother (AN: a HA, a HA, a HA! Krissy puns....) she was usually sweet and pleasant. Warrior was aloof and a stickler for rules, which meant more chores and 'training' exercises -- a.k.a torture sessions -- for me to do. Yay.

"I leave you alone for a few years, and I find you shifting time and space, and creating enough noise to fill Middle Earth!  You need to be more _responsible_ dear, and take some time to think about what might happen. That is our job as Gods, after all."

Mother continued to yak on about 'My Responsibilities' for a while, but I just faded out for a bit and stopped listening. When I came back down from my daydreams, Mother was just finishing up, so I nodded vigorously and tried to look appropriately humble. It seemed to work, because she turned around with the satisfied expression of an adult who thinks they've just put you in your place. Yeah. Right

"And I hope you understand why I took you Scry-Pool away now dear." she called over her shoulder. "Playing with time simply isn't acceptable, even if you fixed it afterwards, and even if it was only minor. Besides, you won't be that bored. You still have the sprites to play with." She walked -- no _strode_ out of the room. Mother was feeling confident, and with good reason. After all, she had just made her daughter listen to her. If she could do that, she could do anything. 

"Sprites. Uh...yeah." I barely registered Mother's last sentences. I was still caught up with 'Even if you fixed it...even if it was minor...' because a) I hadn't fixed it and b) Mother hardly considered time travel minor.

_Crap. Crap, crap, crappitycrappitycrappitycrap_.

Oh. My. Mortal. I had totally forgotten about the Skans! Now they were stuck about three thousand years in the future, with absolutely no idea how or why they had gotten there. And, worst of all, Mother thought I had fixed whatever I'd been doing. No point in going to her for help. She probably had just felt the time/space continuum flux slightly, and had suspected me of doing it. Great. Just great. Now I had to fix this mess all by myself, without my Scry-Pool.

What I wanted to do was sit down and moan, but that wouldn't fix anything. Instead, I sat down, rolled up my sleeves, and held my hands up in the air.  Since I wasn't exactly used to doing things without my Scry-Pool, this would definitely be an adventure. I had problems doing things with incantations; visualizing what you want is so much easier. With incantations, you had to find the right Words of Power to do want you want, and some Words don't always work the way you think they will. For instance, if you want to make it rain, just using the Word for rain won't work. The Words are very general in nature; there isn't actually a word for 'rain', and using the Word for water will just make it dump. Rather like someone dropping a bucket of water on you. Instead, you have to something like 'Small Water Drop on the Land'. And each word is complicated, with weird stresses and pronunciations. If you don't stress the right place, you might end up saying something entirely different then what you want. See why I was nervous?

I cleared my throat, as my outstretched hands began to glow with a soft blue light. I needed the Skans back, and I needed them back now. I decided to try something along the lines of 'Wash Away Memories' and 'Return Home'

"_Hliihani'maniti cortwithased numned..._" 

*           *           *

Skandranon stared in amazement as a small hertasi scurried past him, head bowed in submission. Maybe it wasn't a hertasi after all. If Gesten had caught him staring like that, he would have gotten an ear-ringing lecture about being polite. Curious, he poked the Herald guy a few times, trying to get his attention.

"AAAAUGGGHHH!" The Herald-man jumped a good two feet into the air, screaming like those prissy kids had before. Skan blinked, slightly amused. _Do all humans from this time do that? _he wondered, grinning like a fiend. This could be fun!

"Yu geluumphing houwrse, yu ar mai wurld, mai lyph luung soruce!" The Herald shouted, turning purple.

_:What?:_ Asked Skan, rather confused.

"Duh!" The Herald slapped his forehead, and then pounded it repeatedly with his fist. Skan nodded, trying to look like he understood. _When dealing with crazy people_, he thought, _just nod and agree. Nod and agree._

_:Sorry,:_ the Herald said. _:You surprised me. What did you want?:_

_:Is that a hertasi? Why is it so timid? Shouldn't it be more, well, outspoken and bossy? What's wrong with it?:_ Skan asked.

_:Why should it be bossy? These are the hertasi that came with the Tayeldras envoy. I think the ones with the people from White Gryphon were more outspoken, though.:_

_:White Gryphon? Isn't that where the other mes are from? They would have proper hertasi.:_ Skan said, just as the middle Skan landed next to him.

_:Of course we have proper hertasi. Why wouldn't we have proper hertasi? This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be, you know that? Go take a look. Better go soon though, it looks like it's going to rain.:_ The Skan said. Skan looked up, and agreed. It didn't look like it would rain very hard, though. The clouds weren't dark enough. Rain would make it rather hard to fly, though.

_:Yeah, sure, I'll go flying.:_ Skan said. This was kind of boring anyway. Flying wouldn't be much better though, not without arrows and whatnot to dodge. On the other hand, it might be nice to fly without having to worry about getting yourself killed. _:Lets go now.:_ Both Skans took off, although the elder had to work harder to get into the air, which the younger Skan noted a bit smugly. _At least I'm in better shape than that old geezer! Although I am thirteen years younger. . . _he thought. As they flew above the city, Skan was happy to discover that his mage skills still worked in this time. He doubted the Herald-man would have been pleased if people came to him with reports of 'flying monsters'. Yes, invisible was the way to go. 

_:Huuuuuuuuuuuuungry...:_ wailed the other Skan. What a wimp. Skan had barely even got warmed up and the other Skan was whining at him to stop and eat.

_:But we just started! Besides, there aren't any good places to get food here, it's a city.:_ At least that would get Skan a little more flying time before he had to stop for the Geezer, as he was starting to think of the older of the two Skans there. _:I suppose we can go to the nearest forest and catch something to eat, though.:_

Skan thought he'd seen some woods over to the West of the city, so he suggested they go that way. They both figured it might not be a good thing if large game started a sudden population decrease, so they made a fair meal (plus a snack for the younger Skan) out of various small game animals.

_:Mph, delicious. Quite forgot, mph, how good animals in colder climates, mph, could be.:_ The Geezer said.

_:Delicious or not, we'd better get our rumps in the air soon if we don't want to be caught in the rain.:_ Skan warned.

_:I suppose we should get back,:_ the Geezer said with a sigh. Skan looked at the sky. They might already be to late to get all the way to the palace before it started raining. In fact, he felt something wet drop on his back. He had hoped... But still, he would just have to wait out the rain.

_:What is_ that?_:_ the Geezer demanded loudly. Skan jumped and looked up. It wasn't raining. Or rather it was raining, but it wasn't water that was falling from the sky. It was --

_:Noodles. It's raining noodles. I think I'm going crazy.:_ Skan said dazedly. _:Maybe we should go home now.:_

_:We can't go to the palace,:_ the Geezer said reasonably. _:It's raining. You know we can't fly in the rain.:_

_:It's not raining, this is noodles!:_ Skan was starting to get hysteric. This just wasn't possible. It didn't rain noodles. It just didn't. It couldn't. Water fell from the sky, noodles stayed in bowls, or whatever. The noodles, apparently, had other ideas about where they should be. Apparently, they thought they should fall from the sky. Instead of rain.

_:It's falling from the sky, it's close enough to rain that I'm not flying home in it. You can do what you choose, but I'm staying right here until it stops raining. Or noodling. Or whatever.: _the Geezer said calmly.

_:Okay! Fine, we'll stay here, but this is absolutely not possible! This can't be happening. We must be dreaming or something.:_ Skan informed him.

_:Guess what, genius, it's happening.:_ the Geezer said sarcastically. _:And I rather doubt we're dreaming.:_

_Ooookay, Skan, let's just deal with this like the perfectly sensible Gryphon you are. Stupid, insane, vain bird. There's got to be a rational explanation for this. _Skan thought. Not that he really believed it, but still.

_:Maybe we should start walking toward the city,:_ Skan suggested. _:At least we'd be doing something, and not standing around marveling at the sheer impossibility of this. Noodles. Why the HECK should it be raining noodles?:_

_:I rather doubt you want to walk very far. You have all the wrong muscles for it. And I should know; I had to walk a lot when we were going to White Gryphon. It's not very enjoyable after a little while.:_ The Geezer seemed to be taking all of this far too calmly for Skan. He could at least yell, or jump around screaming, or _something_!

_:What do you propose we do if you don't want to walk? I don't want to stand around here! My feathers are getting noodley. Is that a word? Noodley?:_

_:I never said I didn't want to walk, I said I doubt you really want to. But if you insist, we can go. Until you want to stop, that is.:_ The Geezer was getting rather annoying with his "you can't walk but I can" attitude. San was in better shape than that old geezer. Who was he to go saying that Skan couldn't walk far?

_:Let's go.:_ Skan said shortly.

_:If you insist,:_ the Geezer said as they started off.

*           *           *

Well peeps, that's it for now! The second chapter should be coming out some time next week. Till then, have a nice cup of puddin'everybody!


	2. In Which Megami Tries to Fix Things and ...

Chapter Two: In Which Megami Tries to Fix Things and Everyone is Really Confused 

Author's Notes: Aiyaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sorry about this. Six friggin' months to write one chapter… God. This story is never going to end. (The neeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeer eeeeeeeeeending stooooooooooooorrrrrrrrry! Nanananana, nananana!) Anyways, we both hope you enjoy this chapter, and can hopefully understand at least part of it. Our only explanation is Mountain Dew. Lots and lots of it. 

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon. 

*          *          *

Candlemarks later the Skans were only halfway to the palace, and the noodles continued to pour down cheerfully.

"My feet are _killing_ me!" wailed the younger Skan, and the other gryphon laughed maliciously.

"I told you," He responded smugly. "But would you listen? Noooooooo, of course not. You had to be the big tough man-gryphon thing." The baby, as the middle Skan had begun to call him, pouted in distress. 

"I didn't know how haaaaaaaaaaaard it would be," he sulked, glowering. "And I'm _really _getting sick of slipping on the stupid—" here the baby used some language that you probably wouldn't want to use in front of your grandmother, "—all the time!"

"I have to agree with you there," Skan admitted grudgingly. "But you still don't have to complain about it. I'm falling just as much as you are, and do you hear me whining?"

"Well, that's you. I happen to feel the need to complain about every single little discomfort. Just because you don't doesn't mean I shouldn't either. After all, everybody's different."

"Um, we're the same gryphon. We're exactly the same in every way except age and experience."

"Erm, maybe you grew out of it?"  Ha. As if. The little whiner was just trying to find more things to complain about. Skan decided he had put up with enough of the baby's whining, and picked up the pace a few notches, quickly leaving the other gryphon behind.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" he heard the baby whine, and ignored it. Maybe he would get lost. _Yeah, and maybe it'll stop noodling. Or whatever._

And then it did.

And it started raining instead.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried the baby, sitting down on the ground. 

"Oh, quit your whining and hurry up." Skan grumbled, not exactly thrilled with the rain either, but not about to show it in front of the baby. "The faster we walk, the faster we get there."  

*          *          *

"MEEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

I froze.

"Oh crap…." I whispered. Mother was coming. She had found out about the Skans. She was going to kill me, bring me back to life and then ground my sorry carcass for the rest of eternity. My mind ran around in circles inside my skull, screaming in terror while what little rationality I had left told me to RUN, and to run really, really fast. My body didn't really feel like cooperating, however, and cheerfully remained rooted to the ground. My mouth was the only part that was still functional, and gladly filled out my brain's request for movement by utter my new mantra:

"-Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit-"

I was dead. Deader then…something really dead. My mind was still running around in fright, while a small, detached part of me wondered how Mother had figured it out.  _Does it really matter?!? We're still dead! _Shouted the majority of my brain. The other part paused to think this over for a minute, decided the bigger part was right and joined in on the mindless panicking.  Four seconds later the door to my room slammed open and Mother stormed in looking like hell on two legs, effectively scaring the shit out of me. 

"MEGAMI! Do you know what you've done?!" she demanded, as I cowered in fear on the floor. My brain had turned into a quivering mass of jello, and so it answered in the way I was most familiar with when talking to my mother:

I lied. 

"N-no…I don't…"

Hey, I never said it was a _good_ lie.

"Just because you're upset about your punishment does _not_ give you the right to fiddle around with things like this! Megami, if you're mad at me you should not, under any circumstances, punish the mortals! Do you hear me?" Mother stood quivering with anger in my doorway, waiting for…something. An apology perhaps, or maybe she was waiting for me to throw myself at her feet and confess everything.  

I blinked once or twice.

"Okay, you lost me right around the beginning of that." It was really too bad I had no idea what she was talking about. 

Mother glared at me "So you didn't do this?" she asked, giving me a look that would have frozen fire. " I find this hard to believe."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I responded truthfully. And hey, I didn't, so I really was telling the truth. 

"Don't lie to me." Mother snapped.  "A few minutes ago it began to rain noodles all over Valdemar, causing panic all over the country. It had your distinct signature all over it, and unless there's someone else powerful enough with a combination of Sun and Star magic around here you're in _big_ trouble. "

My first impulse was to sit down and laugh hysterically for an hour or two. I had made it rain **NOODLES**. Over Valdemar. This was, quite possibly, one of the funniest things I had ever heard of in my life.

My second desire was to go kill myself. I had just made it rain noodles over Valdemar, and Mother had been the one to find out about it. I didn't even want to think about the punishment she was going to give me.  

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…. That." I said lamely. "Um, yeah, well… See, I was trying to practice without my Scry-pool…and, um…it didn't really work, I guess…" I trailed off.             

Mother's faced hardened, and the softened. "I'm not sure whether to ground you or praise you. On one hand, you actually are practicing of your own free will. On the other, you did something very irresponsible."

"I know…" I mumbled, looking at the floor. Mother sighed.

 "Just make sure it doesn't happen again. If you're going to be practicing, set up some protections, please?" I nodded, mentally congratulating myself on my underhanded sneakiness. Mother turned to walk out the door, and then paused. "Oh, Megami. I'm going be working in the weaving room. Try not to disturb me, okay?" Mother started to walk out once more, and then stopped again. 

"Oh. Almost forgot." she snapped her fingers, and I distantly felt something shatter. "That should take care of the noodles. I know you're practicing, but try not to get into any trouble, dear. I really don't have the time to clean up after you."

"Okay," I agreed, lying through my teeth. Trouble was attracted to me. If you looked the word up in the dictionary, it would say "Trouble = Megami" with my picture underneath it. It was like it sought me out.

Not that I try to pass it up or anything. 

*             *             *                                                                                                                        

"BAWK?! Bawk, bawk baaawk….?" 

Selenay stared blankly at the spot where Talia, the Queen's Own, had just stood. Just. Now there was a plump little chicken, looking rather confused and making lots of noise. 

Oh god… 

Selenay sat down abruptly. This just wasn't her day, now was it? First, Gryphons who _claimed_ they were the 'Great Skandranon' appeared, then it rained, of all things, _noodles,_ and now there was a chicken sitting on her floor. Wonderful. 

"Bawk…BAWKBAWKBAWKBAWK!!" Suddenly, (for no apparent reason as far as Selenay could tell) the chicken got very excited, and started flapping around the room, bawking loudly. 

"No, no! Stop that!" Selenay implored the chicken, which didn't listen to her. Desperately, she lunged at it, missed, and sprawled rather ungainly on the floor. She sighed, and pushed herself back up, wincing slightly as the chicken squawked loudly into her ear.  Moaning, Selenay buried her head in her hands.

"Will you please be quiet?" she mumbled. The chicken ignored her, and continued to flap around the room. Her door creaked open and someone padded across the floor, but she didn't care. It was probably just one of the Heralds reporting, anyway.

_:My, that is a problem, isn't it?:_ thought an unfamiliar voice. _:Do you people have this sort of thing happen all the time here?:_

She sighed, and removed her head from her hands, and looked up…

And up and up and up….

The person talking to her was absolutely huge. In fact, she realized, it wasn't actually a person…

It was a Gryphon. 

_:Hello.:_ somehow, the sight of the unfamiliar Gryphon didn't surprise her at all, even though a tiny part of her was screaming to get the hell outta there. She told it to shut up.

_:Hello.:_ the Gryphon answered back.  _:My name is Skandranon. Who are you?:_

_:I'm Selenay.:_

She resisted the urge to laugh; it felt ridiculously like being the new kid in school all over again. 

_:Oh. Then I'm in the right place. Some Herald-guy named Elden told me to come to find you.: _He peered closely at her, scrutinizing her face. _:You _are_ the queen, right?:_

_:Yes.: _For some reason she was suddenly monosyllable, and her mind drew a complete blank as to why. It wasn't like she had never seen a Gryphon before; she saw Treyven and Hydona often enough around the palace to get used to them. Maybe it was the feeling of a large predator looming over you, who—on pure whim—had decided not to chew you up and spit out the gristle.  _He should meet Kerowyn._

_:Anyway, he said that you already knew all about us but you needed to introduce us to some people…or something like that anyway.:  _He gave a very human-like shrug. _:There was also something about where we were supposed to stay.:_

****

**_POP!_**

"What the hell…?"

"Talia!" Selenay cried. Now that Talia was here, there would be someone levelheaded to help her with all of this. "What happened to you? One minute you were there, and the next there was a chicken instead!"

"Don't know. Suddenly, I--" 

****

**_POP!_**

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"** Selenay screamed in frustration. This wasn't happening. People didn't turn into chickens. It just didn't happen, even if Talia thought it should. People stayed people and chickens stayed chickens. Unless aforementioned person got a curse put on them, or something like that. Or they turned themselves into psychotic swords that decided to meddle in everyone's business until they croaked and were sent up to the Moon Paths. _Great, now I'm completely off subject…_ Irritated, she turned to the Gryphon.

_:Okay. Now, you are going to tell me that Talia didn't turn into a chicken.: _She Mindsent. Twitching psychotically. _:And you are going to be right. Otherwise very, very bad things are going to happen.:_

The Gryphon gave her an 'if-you_-really_-think-I'm-going-to-do-that-you're-insane' type of look, and sat down on the floor.

_:Now, there _is_ a rational explanation for this, I promise you. We just have to figure it out. I'm assuming this isn't normal behavior for you people, so what could cause it?:_

Selenay frowned in concentration. _:Well, if someone put a curse on Talia maybe…or if the heartstone is going haywire…:_

_:Heartstone?:_

_:It's like a big magical rock that cleans magic.:_

_:Oh. Anything else?:_

_:The mage-storms might have something to do with it, but I doubt it. No one else has had anything happen to them.:_

Someone knocked on her door, and automatically she told them to come in. 

"Selenay, someone has TP'ed the bathroom ag—OHIMGOD!" An aghast Daren stood in the doorway, but he soon recovered.  "Selenay, get out of the way! I'll save you!"

"Don't be an idiot Daren," she said irritably, "It's not like you've never seen a Gryphon before. Besides, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. You know that."

"Yes, well-" he started.

"Shut up and help." she interrupted. When Daren didn't budge, she gave him a Royal Glare and he slunk over to stand beside her. 

"What're we doing?"  

"Trying to figure out why Talia-hey, where did she go?" Selenay realized all of a sudden that not a peep [AN: Pun intended] had been heard from Talia in quite some time. Frantically, she swept her gaze around the room, but couldn't see the little chicken anywhere. 

"What?"

"Talia is gone! She was here just a while ago, clucking like mad!"

"Clucking." Daren gave her a skeptical look. 

"Yes. Clucking. Hey, what are you staring at?" She stared defensively at the Gryphon, who had been watching with an amused sort of look during the entire conversation. Annoyed, Selenay sent him a mental message to bugger off.  Daren stared at both of them in confusion.

"Someone want to explain what's going on?"

"Talia turned into a chicken and Skandranon and I--" Selenay was cut short as there was a terrific bang and suddenly she was looking up at Daren. Angrily, she tried to ask what had happened, and found to her surprise that all that came out was a very loud bawk. 

_This,_ she realized, _could be a very big problem…_

*             *             *             

Kerowyn stumbled blearily down the hall to the kitchen, rubbing at her eyes. Gods, she was tired. She had been up all night arguing with some pompous merchant over fishing rights, and all she wanted right now was some hot food, a warm bath, and bed. Her head was throbbing too, cheerfully pounding away in rhythm to the tolling of the afternoon bells. Kerowyn groaned. _I don't think I'll ever get used to those damn things._ She thought irritably. _They should be destroyed. Slowly, with large, blunt objects…_

She finally made her way to the mess hall, straightening up and putting on her 'poker face'. It wouldn't do to let the trainees know that she did have weaknesses. She strode up to the entrance, looking a great deal more energetic then she felt and opened the doors—

Only to find pandemonium abounding everywhere. The room was filled with chickens, dozens upon dozens of them, all squawking and fluttering about, shedding feathers all over the place. Kerowyn stared in horrified fascination as a trainee shouted something, and promptly turned into a fat, white hen, and hastily she glanced around the rest of the room watching as Heralds and trainees alike turned into and out of chickens. She could feel a vein in her forehead begin to pop, and her headache increased enormously as the frightened poultry continued to serenade the palace with loud bawking. Finally, she snapped and roared loudly into the din of the room.

**"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!" **

_Silence._

Kerowyn smirked. "Much better."

*             *             *

**"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!"**

"Owwwww!" wincing, I clapped my hands over my ears. _Next time, _I reminded myself, _don't eavesdrop when Kerowyn is there and has a headache._

"Megami? What is going on in here?" Mother poked her head in through the door, and I spun around hastily to face her.

"Nothing mother," I said blandly, keeping my face as straight as possible, "just listening to some music, that's all." She gave me a suspicious look, scrutinizing my face, but she soon left and I heaved a sigh of relief. I had the feeling that mother would _not_ approve of eavesdropping magically on mortals. I rubbed my aching ear, feeling sorry for myself. That was the last time I was gonna do something that stupid anyway.

Probably.

I sighed, flopping down onto my bed and hugging Tare, my stuffed panda to my chest.  Things weren't exactly working out the way I had planned. I knew that using Words of Power would be difficult, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be. So far I had made it rain noodles, turned everyone into chickens, and had managed to get yelled at by Mother a few dozen more times for interrupting her by making too much noise.  Spiffy. I rolled onto my stomach, resting my head on my folded arms. I knew I had to try again, but I really didn't want to face the consequences at the moment.  I lifted Tare up and held him above my head. "What do you think Tare?" I asked. Tare stared accusingly at me, and I groaned, letting my head fall so my face was smushed against my bed. 

"Great, now even my toys think I'm a total idiot…" I muttered into my covers. Tare continued to glare at me, and finally I gave in. "Alright, alright I'm _going _okay?" Strangely enough, his face seemed to relax into what seemed like a satisfied smirk, and I reminded myself not to hit the magic mushrooms _quite_ so hard next time…

*             *             *                                                                                                                        

Silence reigned over the mess hall, giving Kerowyn a blessed chance to think things over. Chickens and humans alike stared at her in an awed hush as feathers floated slowly down to cover the room in a blanket of white. 

"You. Tell me what happened." Kerowyn pointed to one of the Trainees, who immediately began to babble.

"Dunno marm, suddenly the whole room woz full of chickens an' people popping back and forth between human an' the like. Then all of a sudden I-" with a loud pop, the trainee turned into a chicken, who looked rather disgruntled. Kerowyn shrugged mentally, and moved on to the next person.

After a candlemark of interrogating everyone in the room, Kerowyn had begun to notice a pattern to the chaos. When the person suddenly cut off and turned into a chicken, the last word they had said was 'I'. Always. _But,_ she decided, _better test it out first._

"You know what? I-" 

_Yep._ Kerowyn thought, studying her newly acquired wings. I_ think that's it. _

*             *             *                                                                                                         

Skan stared in amusement at the three chickens that were busily pecking madly at the floor. This had proved to be _very_ entertaining! Who knew that the Valdemaran people spontaneously turned into poultry? Idly he wondered if the Herald-man would get mad if he ate the annoying guy—Daren, he recalled. He thought it over some more and decided he probably would. 

"Hey, what's going on?" a voice startled Skan out of his bloody daydreams, and he turned to face the speaker.

"The Queen and some weird guy turned into chickens. Don't ask me why." He replied as the middle Skan looked curiously at the three chickens who had huddled up into a corner at this point. The youngest one had collapsed against the wall, panting and moaning about his aching feet, and Skan raised an inquiring eyebrow at the other gryphon, who shrugged in response. 

"He's a wimp." He stated, and the young Skan glared and added his two cents to the pot.

"Hey, if everyone is turning into chickens, why haven't we?" he asked.

"Maybe we're like chickens already, so we can't turn into one." Suggested the middle Skan.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" the youngest Skan narrowed his eyes dangerously, giving the middle Skan a look of Doom, and the oldest gryphon backed away, deciding that he was really too old to get into brawls at this point. 

Then the whole world twisted upside down and Skan felt as if he was being wrung like a wet towel and turned inside out at the same time. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt, but he tried to scream anyway but his vocal cords appeared to be floating a few feet away from him…

With a sudden jolt, the world was back in place and Skan was feeling as if he had just walked down to the gates of hell and back. The three humans were sitting on the floor, looking rather confused and the other two gryphons were huddled together in a corner.

"I don't understaaaaand…" wailed the youngest Skan, and the middle one patted his head in sympathy.

*             *             *                                                                                                         

Well, the good news was that I had managed to fix the chicken thing without Mother noticing, but the bad news was that I had absolutely no idea how I had done it.  Typical. Not really in the mood to try again, I wandered over to my stereo to pick something to listen to. _Ah, here's a good one…_

I selected a burned CD I had made a while ago, set it into the stereo and pressed play. Music blared out of the speakers cheerfully, and I began to sing along. 

_ALL THE VEAGANS IN THE HOUSE!_

_THE VEGANS, THE VEGANS!_

_ALL THE VEAGANS IN THE HOUSE!_

_ALL THE VEGANS, THE VEGANS!_

_She's not eatin' bacon, not eatin' sausage_

_And she won't eat eggs, not eatin' chicken_

_Not eatin' turkey, she won't have a steak_

_But I just can't help feelin' sorry _

_For this poor little lettuce head_

I danced crazily around my room, singing along at the top of my lungs. I was groovin'. I was in the zone. I was acting like a total geek and not giving a damn.

In a fit of insanity, I tried to leap over my bed. Unfortunately, I didn't quite make it and landed on Tare instead. I rolled off and grabbed a brush of my dresser, intending to use it as a microphone, and accidentally knocked over a jar of Sprite dust onto the floor. Yeah, go ahead and make all the Tinkerbell comments you want, but Sprite dust packs a pretty powerful punch. 

"Crap." I muttered irritably. The jar only had a small crack in it but some of the dust had spilled out onto the floor. I pointed and it neatly made itself into a small pile, and then made it hover and deposit itself in my hands. Sprite dust was highly unpredictable. Most of the time I just used it for a cleaning spell, which meant that it was used maybe once or twice every few millennia. 

"Megami? Have you seen my staff?" Mother suddenly popped into the room, and I jumped in surprise, scattering the pixie dust all over myself. 

"No." I responded. Mother shrugged. "Okay, if you see it will you let me know?" I nodded, trying to brush the dust off and failing miserably, and then decided just to ignore it and sing some more. It was probably expired anyway; it had been sitting there for a long time. 

You know I can't stop cryin' cause I 

_Know this broccoli's dead_

_Vegetarian, I'm not a vegetarian, vegetarian… she's a  _

I sang along, picking the jar up and placing it back on my dresser and then did a rather bad impression of Michael Jackson by moon walking across my room. The hokey-pokey, the twist, the YMCA, and other random assortments of dances followed this until I finally noticed that I was shedding Sprite dust all over my floor. Deciding I didn't really want to be the human glitter ball, I bounced over to my closet, planning on changing clothes. Then I began to glow brightly, quite effectively scaring me out of my wits. The Sprite dust gathered itself into a cloud above my head and disappeared. I stared, my heart sinking with the feeling of impending disaster. 

_Now_ what had I done?

[AN: The song used was 'Say Ten' by Reel Big Fish. The Flying Rat's don't own in. So nyah.]

*          *          *

Karal closed the door to his room and sighed, rubbing his temples gently. Having a fight with Natoli was never fun, and their latest argument was no exception. All he wanted to do right now was sleep. For a very long time…

_:Oh no you don't!: _Thought Altra sharply, twining around Karal's feet. _:You're not doing anything until you eat.:_

"You shouldn't eavesdrop." Retorted Karal. 

_:I'll do whatever I wish if it will make you stop being so concerned about everyone except yourself.: _replied Altra mildly. 

"Fine. I'll eat." Karal was in no mood to start another argument. Crossing his room carefully, he started making his way over towards the covered dish on the table. 

"Ow! Altra, why were you looking at the wall? You just made me run into the table!" Karal yelled crossly, steadying himself. 

_:Sorry Karal. I thought I felt something funny.: _Altra said apologetically. Karal sat himself down in the chair next to the table, at looked at the dish. Pulling off the cover, he was pleased to discover it was cucumber soup, one of his favorite dishes. There was also a few pieces of cheese, a loaf of bread, and a small glass of wine. Pulling up a chair, he gave a quick prayer of thanks to Vkandis for the food, and picked up his spoon.

"I'MMM A CUCUMBER, I'MMM A CUCUMBER, I'MM A CUCUMBER—"

"AAAAAHHHH!!!" Karal yelled and stood up abruptly, knocking his chair over while his soup continued to sing loudly about its cucumberiness. Altra stared at his bowl incredulously. 

_:Please tell me I'm imagining this,: _he implored.

"Sorry, I don't think you are."

_:Great. First its raining noodles, then people are getting turned into chickens, now we have singing vegtab-: _Altra stopped abruptly. 

The cucumber soup had quieted itself. The silence only lasted for a few minutes, however, before the cheese started up its own tune. 

"IT'S VEL-VEETA! AGAINST CHEDDER! AND VEL-VEETA! IS MUCH BETTER!" the cheese sang.

_:Vkandis help us. Singing food.: _Altra moaned. _:How on earth are we going to be able to eat anything?:_

"Aren't I just like Neil Diamond?" asked the cucumber soup cheerfully.

*          *          *

Selenay walked into the kitchen, looking for a snack. She had woken up a candlemark ago, and hadn't been able to go back to sleep. She looked around, and decided on an apple. She chose one, and went back to her rooms. As she was just about to sink her teeth into the tasty thing, it started singing at her. 

"Apples, apples, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot!" Selenay yelped and threw her apple across the room "OWWWWW! I'm gonna have a coooow!" sang the apple. She swore. Food had no right to sing like that. Especially when a person had just gotten up and was still asleep. However, the apple didn't seem to agree with her, and kept on singing loudly about its fruity self. 

"What the hell is going on here?" Selenay moaned softly to herself. How could a person deal with all this sanely? _I don't think I can..._ she realized. _I'm going to go insane and run away into the Forest of Sorrows, only to be found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs..._ the apple continued to sing cheerfully. She threw a pillow at it. The apple shut up, and Selenay breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down onto the floor. "About time..." she muttered. But what if all food was singing? Was if this wasn't just some freak thing? Dear gods, and everyone would expect _her_ to be able to deal and fix everything! _I need a vacation... _Selenay resisted the urge to scream. Funny, that seemed to happen a lot lately.... _I definitely need a vacation..._ she thought. Maybe she should just go insane. If she were crazy, no one would expect anything from her. Gryphons appearing from nowhere and noodles raining would just be a normal part of life. 

_No! Nononono! _Said a voice. _You can't do that! Mother would kill me if I made the Queen of Valdemar go insane!_

_What? _She asked, as hard as she could. _Who are you, who is mother, and what the _hell _do you think you're doing?_

_Uh…_ said the voice. _How 'bout I get back to you on that one?_

_No! Tell me what's going on! _Demanded Selenay. _What have you been doing to my country?_

_Nothing. Nothing at all. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about whatsoever. Oh, look at the time! I must be going! _The voice replied blandly, and then went quiet. 

_Hey! No! Come back here! _Selenay 'yelled' at nothing in particular. When the voice didn't respond, she resigned herself to the fact that it was gone. Carefully, she went and picked up the apple—which was still singing merrily to itself—placed it on the table, and went to bed. 

*          *          *

Dirk was sitting in the library, looking for a good book to settle down with. Idly, he browsed through the shelves, picking up books and flipping through them.  _Boring, boring, boring! _He thought, tossing them over his shoulder.

"Dirk? Are you up here?" he heard Talia call. "It's time for supper!" Sighing, Dirk put down the book he was holding and went down to the dining hall. 

"Hello, dear." He greeted Talia with a kiss on the cheek.

"Hello," she responded as they sat down at the table. Servants began to come out, laden with trays full of food. Suddenly the hall was filled with a loud singing noise.

"FOOD, GLOURIOUS FOOD! FOOOOOOOOOD! FOOD IS NEAT! FOOD IS GREAT! EAT THE FOOD ON YOUR PLATE!" several people jumped up, while others looked around in confusion.

"What's going on?" he heard a person ask, as the singing continued. There was a huge crash as a servant dropped his platter.

"THE FOOD! It's – it's – IT'S SINGING!" 

Dirk gaped at the basket of fruit, which had suddenly grown itself mouths and vocal chords. Someone screamed, pointing at the food, which continued to sing happily.

"FOOD! THE FOODIEST FOOD AROUND! PICK IT OFF THE TREES AND OUT OF THE GROUND!" Dirk refrained from laughing at the stupidness of the song, and Talia's mouth twitched at the corners. Suddenly the singing cut off and was replaced by manical laughter. _Okay, _thought Dirk, _now this is just getting weird. _Random people who aren't really important began screaming some more. Dirk decided to calm everyone down. He looked at Talia, and decided that she would probably be better at that sort of thing then him. 

"Talia," he said in a confidential whisper, "don't you think you should calm everyone down?" Talia looked at him, blinked, and stood up. She concentrated for a moment, and then sat back down. People stopped screaming and gradually calmed down. The manical laughter suddenly cut off, and Dirk heaved a sigh of relief. All over the room, silence sounded loudly. For about two seconds. Then a loud, squeaky voice started singing again. 

"I'm gonna sing the doom song now. Doom, doom de-doomy doom, doom! Doomy, doomy doom de-doom doom, doom!" It appeared to be a small piece of fish doing the singing. Dirk could tell because people were slowly backing away from it. "Doom de-doom doomy doom!" Just out of curiosity, Dirk Mindsent to the other Heralds to see what was going on in the other parts of the palace. The same song was being sung to everyone. 

"Doomy de-doom doomy doom, doom doomy doom!" People were still calm, apart from backing away; so Talia must have still been working her will on them. She was so smart! "Doomy, doomy doom, doom, doom the end!" The fish stopped singing abruptly. Dirk knew with absolute certainty that singing food would no longer plague them again, and so he fell off his chair in relief. Talia looked at him, shook her head, and started eating.     

*          *          *

At the moment, I was laying on the ground wheezing like an 80 year old who was having a seizure. 

No, I was not dying, despite how many people wish I were.

I was laughing my ass off.

To make a long story short, Mother had come in a little bit earlier and had done her 'Megami you'd better tone down the noise or else' routine. She had found out about the Sprite dust incident, fixed my mistake as usual, and had left me lounging on my bed watching Invader Zim and trying to work up the will power to try again. That's when it happened. 

I had waved my hands at the TV, trying to get it to fast forward to my favorite part. When it didn't work, I had gotten frustrated and yelled some random Words at it, hoping that would get it to do what I wanted it to do. It didn't work, but it did do something else: All through the land of Valdemar Gir could be heard singing the doom song. Hence the laughing on the floor. 

I finally got myself together and got off the floor, figuring I should try again while I still had the will power. _Oh, yeah._ I sent a piece of information into Dirk's brain so that he would know the singing food wouldn't sing anymore. I couldn't really let the whole country of Valdemar starve because they were afraid of their food. _Well, that takes care of that. _Now to attempt to send the gryphons back and fail miserably. Again. 

This time I decided just to concentrate on the Skans; I would worry about erasing memories after I sent them back.  I dug out some prayer beads—a gift from my Father—out of the back of my closet, and held them up in the air. I chanted a few Words and clapped my hands, making the prayer beads glow a bright crimson. I opened my hand, letting the beads fall to the floor as the glow brightened, almost blinding me, and then dimmed and disappeared. _Hope that worked. _I thought, kicking the beads under my bed. _I don't really feel like doing this again._

*          *          *

Skan stared curiously at a bed of flowers. Such colors! He had never seen flowers like these before...

_:Probably because it's 3,000 years in the future and you're in a completely different climate then your used to...:_ he thought sarcastically. _:Stupid gryphon, where did Urtho put your brains?:_

_:In your ass, where else?:_

_:Shuttup:_ Sniggering came from behind a row of bushes, and Skan snarled. He couldn't remember being that disrespectful when he was that age.

_:You know, I'm really actually getting fond of you Geezer!: _the youngest Skan remarked nonchalantly, strolling out of the bush. _:I'm going to miss arguing with you. It's like, well, arguing with myself.:_

_:HA, ha, ha.... Yeah, that took smarts.:_

_:You just can't appreciate good humor when you see it.:_

_:I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying. See, I'm ignoring you.:_

_:I'd like to see you try.:_

_:La, la, la.... Not listening...:_ If anyone had come into the garden at the moment, they would have been surprised, to say the least. One large black gryphon was yelling his head off, while another (seemingly identical) gryphon was parading around with his talons in is ears, singing.

_:STILL NOT LISTENING...LALALALA...:_ Skan was enjoying this! He hadn't had so much fun since…oh, he couldn't remember! Annoying other people was fun, but annoying himself was even better! 

Silence. 

Skan cautiously removed his talons from his ears. It was as quiet as a graveyard, and his other self was nowhere to be seen. 

_:Well, that's odd...:_ he glanced around hastily, but the younger Skan had disappeared. _:Oh, well.:_ Skan grinned. It felt good to triumph over the uppity youngster. His ego inflated even higher then usual (if that was even possible) and he paraded around the garden looking at the flowers. He spotted a particularly interesting one and was bending over to look at it when there was a big flash of light. And then Skan felt like he was being stretched waaaaaaaay out. Or like he was growing.... only he was shrinking at the same time, which felt very funny.

:_Ha, ha! You're a daisy!:_

_:What the hell was that?: _Skan asked in bewilderment. :_Who the hell are you?:_

:_Me! Your very favorite younger self!:_ The younger Skan was leaning against a tree. Although since Skan no longer had eyes, he had no idea how he knew that. The younger Skan smirked in amusement, looking down his beak at Skan, who suddenly realized he had grown quite a bit and was now towering a good six feet above his head.

_:What? How did you get so big?:_

_:I told you, you're a daisy. Can I make it any clearer then that?:_

_:Well, you could, for instance, tell me how this happened.:_

_:No, I don't think I'll do that. This is vastly more amusing.:_ Skan sighed in exasperation. Well, he tried to. Since he no longer had either lungs or a mouth, it was rather hard.

_:You're not very helpful, you know that?:_ Skan asked dryly.

_:Yes, isn't it great! I just love bein--YAAAAAH!!:_ Skan shied away as a bright light engulfed the younger gryphon, and when it finally cleared a majestic brown oak tree was standing in his place.

_:Well isn't this a nice little garden of Skans.:_ The oldest Skan said.

_:Will someone explain what the _hell _is  going on?:_ wailed the middle Skan feeling more then slightly confused.

_:Well, it would appear that you have turned into a daisy, and our young self here has turned into an oak tree.:_ The oldest Skan replied with a hint of Duh. Feeling slightly miffed, Skan asked him just what kind of drugs he was on, anyway.

_:Do I look like a daisy to you?!?:_ he demanded The oldest Skan replied that he should open his eyes and look for himself.

_:I don't seem to have eyes at the moment.: _the middle Skan said stiffly. The older Skan laughed.

_:And you think you're not a daisy. You don't have any sort of sense, besides whatever it is flowers have, and you think you're not a daisy.:_

_:Pretty much: _Skan replied cheerfully.__

_:Well hate to burst your bubble, but you are most certainly a daisy.:_

_:Hold on a minute here,: _the youngest Skan interjected, :just how did we get to be this way?

_:How should I know?:_ The oldest Skan's answer gave the impression of a shrug.

_:Well, it's no use sitting here wondering about it:_ the middle Skan pointed out.

_:Nope, not when I can go somewhere else and wonder abooooooooooooooo-!!:_ There was a giant bang, and smoke filled the garden, hiding the older Skan from view. When it finally drifted away, a pretty blue lady slipper stood in his place. _:All right, what am I?: _he asked. The other Skans snickered.

_:Awww...so pretty! I never knew just how beautiful and delicate you could be! Why didn't you tell us?:_ said the youngest Skan, sounding particularly vengeful.

_:What am I? One of you two had better tell me, or I'll-- I'll-- I'll:_

_:You'll what, step on me with your pretty slippers?:_ the middle Skan snickered

_:I'm not.:_

_:You are.:_

_:But I'm a guy! I can't be a lady slipper! It just doesn't work!:_

_:Sorry, but I'm afraid it does work.:_ the youngest gryphon said with a mental smirk

_:And what's more, it already has worked! Is it just me, or is it getting really hot?:  _the middle Skan added suddenly. __

_:It's not just you, I'm feeling it too.:_ the oldest answered. Suddenly, both of them burst into flame. The youngest Skan stared in shock as his older selves burned up before his eyes. The flames abruptly died out to leave two shocked but completely whole and unburned gryphons standing where the two plants had been.

:Hey, no fair!: he complained. :I wanna burn up too! How come I don't get to change back?:

_:No problem, just get me a fire starter, and I'll me happy to burn you!: _the oldest Skan said.

:Ah, no thanks. I'll just wait.:

About that time, with no warning, the youngest Skan started sprouting leaves, which quickly grew so that all you could see of him was foliage. After a few seconds, the leaves stopped growing leaves, and started sprouting feathers, which fell out as soon as they grew, as if he couldn't decide whether he wanted to be a tree or a gryphon. As the older two Skans stared in mixed shock and amusement, the bundle of feathers and leaves disappeared with a loud pop, and reappeared a hundred feet above their heads. It then started shedding leaves, while floating slowly downward. At about fifty feet up, it popped back into a gryphon, which then followed the law of gravity: What goes up, must come down.  Unfortunately, he only remembered about five seconds after he hit to flap his wings, and proceeded to flap wildly at the other two Skans, yelling profanities that would get him banned from most preschools.  The middle Skan could have sworn he heard someone snicker in his head.

*             *             *

I snickered. The Skans were such dorks. Of course, their dorkiness was my fault, but that was really beyond the point. Although that point could be debated. That wasn't the point either. The point was that I had, typically, failed again. What I needed was inspiration. Something like ice cream. Or a large mallet to whack the Skans with. One of the two... I snapped my fingers and a quart of chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream fell into my lap, shortly followed by a spoon. Ice cream was easier than whacking the Skans anyway. I dug into the sweet creamy junk, and thought hard about what I should try on the Skans next. Maybe if I just sort of told them to go home… I thought offhandedly, savoring the chocolate-raspberryieness of the ice cream. A few minutes later, after finishing my snack, I decided to try out my idea.

"C'ept lo'me'ar gre'snal e'un Va'nche'za," I spoke the words that would—I hoped—make everything I told to happen in the Mortal World come true. I had to say it in the Old Tongue, though, and I wasn't great at that.  "Hauunioes yiaeinoud lemaaonuiif gei-OW!" 

Wham! 

"Crap!"

Let me explain. See, Old Tongue requires some rather large hand motions. I had been doing these, and had accidentally hit a stone basin, knocking it to the floor, where it proceeded to break. 

I looked at the basin, trying to figure out if I really wanted to fix it or not. I decided it was too much trouble and stood on my head instead. The blood began to rush to my head and I soon developed a rather large headache. I wondered why.

_Is this a normal thing? _I asked myself. _Prob'ly. _I answered. It wasn't until I began to black out that I decided I would stop standing on my head and get some Tylenol. I took a couple of pills and went back to my room to sulk. I walked into my room, tripped over the basin and landed flat on my face.

"Stupid piece of sporking shit…" I muttered, getting up. My life sucked. A lot.

I slunk over to my bed, glaring at nothing in particular. I flopped down and picked up Tare. He had a rather bland expression on his face and I resisted the urge to shake him and demand what he was laughing at. I threw him across the room instead.

Minutes ticked slowly by, and I fell into a bored stupor. _I wish I had something to do…_ I thought. The word 'gryphons' wandered through my brain, trying to connect itself to something. I thought hard about his for a few moments, and then realized I hadn't finished sending them home.

Distractedly, I waved my hands at the basin on the floor, and as the pieces floated back together I tried to remember what I had been saying to get the Skans back where they belonged. _Eh, I probably said enough. Something must've happened, anyway. _I thought. _I'll just have to try to listen in for a while to make sure._

*             *             *

Healer Delayn sat at his desk, reading. At a small tap on his door, he looked over to see a small trainee standing in the doorway. 

"Come in, Yuiop. What were you sent for this time?" 

"Nothing much, sir, just A Guide to Human Anatomy."  Delayn sighed and rose creakily from his comfortable seat. He tottered over to the bookshelf against the wall, got the appropriate text, and tossed it to Yuiop.

"There you go, knock yourself out." To his horror, Yuiop caught the book and started whacking himself on the head with it. "What are you doing? Stop that!" Delayn shouted. 

"I don't know, stop me!" The trainee said, panicking, just before collapsing on the floor. Delayn hurried over and checked him out. He seemed to be fine, except for the fact that he had just knocked himself out. 

"Shiiiiiiiiit," Delayn said, rocking back on his heels. That was right about the time that a huge pile of, well, shit landed on his head. Angrily, he got up to go wash it off. Thankfully, the hall was mostly empty. Unfortunately, the one Healer to pass him had to be the one that would greet him as cheerfully as if he didn't have a pile of shit on his head. 

"You know what, Klevra, just go jump off a bridge, okay?" he said, shoving past her. Klevra got a strange, glazed look in her eyes and walked away. Delayn, still angry about his head, ignored her and went to go wash off. A few minutes later he was much cleaner and more cheerful. As he walked back towards his room, he wondered what had made Yuiop knock himself out. He was so engrossed in his pondering that he didn't notice Daren until he ran into him.

*             *             *

Daren walked down the hallway. He was rather tired, and wished those gryphons hadn't made him look quite so stupid.

"I wish they would just fly away." he muttered. A startled squawk brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up out the window to see three black forms getting smaller in the sky. _Cool,_ he thought, _they're flying away! I must be a physic or something! I could make a lot of money with this..._ lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice the Healer coming down the hallway towards him. 

WHAM! 

Rubbing his aching head, Daren glared at the healer. 

"Watch where you're going, dumbass!" he blinked. He could've sworn there was a Healer standing there a moment ago. He must have been mistaken. This was clearly a donkey. Though what it was doing inside he didn't know... the donkey brayed loudly, and fixed Daren with a resentful glare. 

"What? I didn't do anything! Stop that!" the donkey ceased its glaring, and charged at Daren instead. Daren screamed loudly and ran into the wall. 

"Oh, why me?" he moaned, rubbing his head. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about the donkey, which then butted him in the rear. 

"STOPPIT!" he yelled "you stupid pile of --" he stopped, and gave the donkey an interested look and began to giggle. The donkey looked at him rather oddly, which only made him laugh harder.

 "HAHAHAHAHA! I CONTROL YOU!" he cackled. The donkey ran away, its eyes rolling wildly. "Stop! Sit! Roll over!" Daren yelled happily.

"Daren? What are you doing?" Selenay's voice rang through the hallway. Daren froze, and laughed nervously.

"A hahahahaha...funny you should ask that....'cause I don't really know..." he stopped. What was he doing? Why was that donkey over there glaring at him? 

"Someone get that donkey out of here, it's creeping me out." Selenay rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Why don't you do it dear? You are a herald, you know."

"Oh. Of course I know that. How could I not know that? I'll just go take it out then. OW! Hey, that stupid piece of pie bit me!" There was a strange fizzling noise, and the donkey suddenly turned in to a slice of pie. Selenay screamed in exasperation, then turn on her husband.

"What," she asked "Was that piece of pie, before you turned it into a donkey. Or should I say who."

"Um.... some healer..." Daren muttered, trying to avoid her wrathful gaze. Selenay's eye began to twitch repeatedly, and in what was obviously an attempt to stay calm, began to mutter 'peace, love and flowers' over and over again.

"What exactly" she said carefully, "Did you do?"

"I think I turned him into a piece of pie." Daren responded. Selenay got a look as if she was with great difficulty trying not to strangle him.

"You. Are going to tell me exactly what you did to turn that Healer into a piece of pie. Or you will be extremely. Extremely. Not. Happy."

"Allididwassay'thatstupidpeiceofpiebitme." Daren blurted out, cowering behind a statue 20 feet away from Selenay. Selenay looked as if she wanted to scream again.

"And what happened before that?" she asked, as if talking to a frightened six year old. Daren cautiously crept a little bit closer.

"He was trying to kill me...." with a great deal of willpower, Selenay restrained herself from killing him on the spot.

"Why was he trying to kill you, and how exactly was he trying to do it?" she said in the same comforting-a-six-year-old voice. Daren scuttled away nervously. He didn't like to predatorial gleam in Selenay's eye. 

"He was charging at me...and…yeah." Selenay twitched a few times. " DON'T HURT MEEEEEEE!" Daren wailed, throwing himself on the ground in front of her.

"What. Did. You. Do. To. Make. Him. Mad. At. You. And get up, you're not a baby."

"I turned him into a donkey and he got maaaaaaaad at me and was trying to kill me. And I turned him into a donkey by saying 'you dumbass!" he added, not wanting to provoke her any more then he had to. Selenay sighed and deflated. She sat down abruptly on the floor and cradled her head in her hands.

"Why this, why now, _why_, by all the gods, _why me_?" she moaned.

"Er...." said Daren, not really sure how to respond without getting hurt.

"Oh, just shut up. I wasn't talking to you anyway." 

Daren tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn't open. Frustrated, he made a kind of grunting noise instead. Selenay looked up. 

"What are you doing? Stop fooling around and do something useful." Daren blinked a couple of times, and then promptly went down to the bathing rooms and drew Selenay a bath. He then went back to Selenay and tugged her arm until she followed him to the bath. When she saw what he had done, she kissed him on the forehead. 

"Awww, that's so sweet! Thanks honey!" Daren shook his head. He would never understand women.

*             *             *

"MEGAMI!" Mother yelled, right before she stalked into my room. 

I winced. "Y-yes?" I asked although I already knew why she was here.

"Do you know that currently in Valdemar what anyone says becomes true?" she asked, giving me a look that promised pain no matter what I said. Which was really, really bad seeing as I had made it happen. 

"Really?" I decided on a neutral answer.

"Yes. And I don't care how you did it or why, but you are going to fix it. If you don't I'll see that you _never_ get out of this room again." Mother stated flatly. "Don't expect any help from me either, Megami. You're not a child, and I'm not going to pick up your messes anymore. You need to learn how to use your powers."

When I remained silent, Mother turned briskly and walked out the door. I stomped over and slammed it shut angrily, glowering at nothing in particular. I did too know how to use my magic! I would show her…

I searched my limited store of Words of Power and started to cast a spell, determined to succeed. Mother would be sorry for saying that. 

*          *          *

Karal sighed. The pig standing next to him spoke some garbled Kaled'a'in, and the green duck on his other side turned into a pumpkin with a bright pink Mohawk. The fish in the flowerbed saw this, bubbled something incomprehensible, and the pig sprouted wings, turned plaid, and started beeping furiously.

These were, of course, the Skandranons. After they had accidentally flown away, they had returned to Companion's Field where Karal and Natoli had been taking a walk together. The Skans soon discovered that everything that they said out loud became true, and promptly began name-calling. Needless to say, this had completely ruined his evening alone—except for Altra—with Natoli. She did seem to be enjoying herself, though…

"Yeah? Well, you're a peg-legged, talking, green and purple polka dotted cocker spaniel with nine ears!" Natoli told the fish. She had seen that it was an unfair two against one, and took the side of what Karal thought was the youngest Skan. She was currently a bright blue, six feet and eleven inches high (counting the ears) floating donkey with oversized wings. Karal, on the other hand, could now see without the aid of Altra. Abruptly, he was startled out of his thoughts by the undeniable fact that he had just turned into a sparrow.

"Hey!" he cried indignantly. "What did I do? You could at least warn a person before they turn into a bird! And all of you, talk in Valdemaran, yeesh!" 

"You think too much!" the pig shouted back through it's beeping. "I had to do something to get you to stop!" 

"Well then, you are a maroon blaze orange striped talking frog the size of a pin, with cat ears coming out of your toes, six squirrel tails and fifty-nine bat ears." Karal replied evilly. 

"Jerk!" the frog protested.

"You stupid!" Natoli cried. "Think before you say something like that! You just made Karal into a jerk!" 

"Aw, Cr-Fu-Sh-Da-Fudge!" said the frog loudly, just before he got buried in a pile of fudge. The dog hurried over to eat the chocolate, while the pumpkin looked on mournfully because he didn't have legs.

"Ow! You bit me!" the frog shouted out of the fudge. The dog made a rather rude remark about the frog's mother, and Natoli groaned.

"Honestly! Can't you two be civil to each other for three seconds?" she snapped. The dog and the frog [AN: Meehee! It rhymes! We're POETS!] looked at each other.   

"I'm terribly sorry about all that, my dear old chap." Apologized the dog.

"Pish and posh. Think nothing of it." The frog replied airily, and then promptly launched himself at the dog. The dog shook his head, flinging the frog into the flowerbed. Karal laughed happily and Natoli turned on him.

"You can just shut your mouth, mister." She said angrily. Karal's beak snapped shut, which actually kind of hurt. 

"Um, you're not very happy right now, are you?" the pumpkin asked timidly. "'Cause I'm not a pumpkin anymore." At this point, he popped into some kind of strange creature that looked like it couldn't decide whether it was a butt or a monkey. Natoli tried to throw her hands up in exasperation, forgot that she was still a monkey, and fell over. 

"What the hell am I?!" the creature said panickedly.

"I think you're a buttmonkey." The dog snickered. 

Karal laughed evilly. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! YOU WILL BE A BUTTMONKEY FOREVER!!!" 

"Karal!" shouted Natoli. "Don't say that! He will not, he's going to turn back into a gryphon sometime!" 

"Screw you." Karal said evilly. 

Silence.

**"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE JUST SAID??!?!" **Natoli said shrilly. Karal thought about this for a moment, realized what she was talking about, remembered he was still a sparrow and his wing didn't bend that way, and fell over. 

"Can a sparrow screw a donkey?" the frog asked.

"I don't know, but it should be interesting." The dog answered.

Karal and Natoli were slowly sliding towards each other, each desperately scrabbling to go the other way. Just when they were about a foot apart, Karal found himself rising into the air, spinning wildly. When he got above the tallest tower of the palace, he stopped spinning and began to fall. The next thing he knew, he was on the ground, human and blind once more.

"What the hell?!?" Natoli shouted. There were some crashing noise, followed by various curses. 

"Altra!" Karal hissed.

_:Sorry.: _the Firecat said distractedly, letting Karal see through his eyes. The three gryphons were piled in a heap, and Natoli was standing next to them, shaking her head. 

"You'd think that three grown gryphons would know enough to get out of the way when a mini tornado is coming at them." Natoli told them while Altra translated. 

_:We aren't exactly known for our common sense, you know.: _One of the gryphons said defensively.   ****

"It doesn't take much sense to move out of the way of a tornado." Natoli retorted. "It's more of a survival thing, and I have been told several times that you've managed to survive your stupidity."

_:Tornados and makaar are completely different things.: _Another Skan said, sounding as dignified as the situation permitted. 

Feeling guilty, Karal walked up to Natoli. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"It's all right, I understand." She replied softly. "But what I don't understand is why these idiots can't get out of the way of a tornado!" she continued to argue merrily with the Skans.      

*          *          *

Slowly, I opened my eyes. Nothing seemed out of place in my room, and nothing felt out of place as far as I could tell, and when Mother didn't come barging in after a few minutes I figured I had finally done it. 

"HaHA! Take that, Mother! I can use my magic…" I flopped down onto my bed, sticking my tongue out at the ceiling. Mission accomplished, I thought smugly. 

Wait. 

I sat up abruptly, clutching my pillow to my chest. What if she had been watching me from the weaving room? What if she was watching me right now? Oh Bob, what if she _knew?_

_PANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC!!!!! Screamed part of my brain. The other half smacked it around a bit and then told it to shut up and be rational, for Bob's sake. _

Okay, it was unlikely that mother had done that. She had been weaving the tapestry, and usually she didn't pay much attention to anything else when weaving. In fact, I could typically run a stampede of elephants through the house when she was weaving and mother wouldn't even notice. 

_But mother kept on coming in and yelling at you…whispered my mind. __She was obviously not as focused. Who knows what she could have been doing in there? _

Craaaaaaaaaap.

Well, I suppose before I get too far I should explain what the tapestry really is. 'The tapestry' is actually the fabric of time that all four of Mother's forms weave. It basically is a magical drapery, where every thread represented something that had happened in the Mortal Realm. Needless to say, there are hundreds of millions of threads, reporting everything from the Cataclysm to the death of a daisy. __

_Okay Megami, I thought, __don't panic! All you have to do is go check up on mother in the tapestry room… You'll be able to tell if she was up to something.  I calmed down somewhat. Get in, take a look, and get out. As easy as that. Feeling slightly as if I was in some bad spy movie, I snuck down the hallway to the room where the tapestry was. The door was open, but Mother wasn't in. I crept into the room and stood in front of the tapestry; it didn't feel like any magic had been done recently, so I relaxed. Mother wouldn't have been able to hide her magical signs from me; I was better then she was at tracking traces of magical residue. Besides, I could see the new part of the tapestry she had been weaving. Absentmindedly, I bent closer to study the tapestry; it was very beautiful to look at, if a bit boring in content._

That was when I noticed it. A thread that seemed to shift randomly, almost as if it couldn't decide what it wanted to be. I leaned in so I was about a centimeter away from the tapestry.

"Hel-LO big boy!" the thread chirruped, and—I swear I'm not lying—winked flirtatiously at me. 

"Exc-cuse me?" I choked, then immediately grew angry. "What the hell are you talking about? I'm a _girl, goddammit!" Privately, I wondered how I was going to explain this to Mother. Okay, I know she isn't always the most observant of people, but there was no way in hell she was going to miss a talking thread.  _

"Are you sure?" asked the thread, sounding disappointed. "I could have sworn you were a guy…"

"I-I…yo-you…"I spluttered angrily, not able to form a comprehensible sentence.

The thread brightened visibly, turning a bright pink. "I could make you into a guy. You'd make a very cute boy, lovey," it added, and it winked again. Don't ask me how.

I don't know what I looked like, but the thread tacked on hastily, "That is, if you want to be turned into a boy…" 

"NO!"  I shouted furiously. "NO! THAT'S-THAT'S JUST _WRONG_! NOT TO MENTION **EXTREMELY _DISTURBING!"_**

The thread managed to look sullen, turning a gray/blue color. "You don't have to get all riled up. Just think about the possibilities it would give yo-"

I turned red. "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU NASTY, _NASTY_PERVERTED**_… THING!_**

"Hey, hey, hey!" the thread managed to sound miffed. "I'm a chaos thread. Get it right."

I nearly fell over. "No. Nononono. You can't be. It's not possible."

"Sorry, lovey. I am." the thread replied smugly. 

"You don't understand." I said, my hands shaking. "See, the last time one of you showed up, the second Cataclysm happened. If Mother missed weaving you, something bad is going to happen." I carefully didn't mention the part that I had woven in the last chaos thread, figuring the perverted piece of string didn't really need to know.  

"Your mother didn't weave me."

This time, I did fall over.

"That's not possible." I stated flatly. "You're lying. You have to be."

"No, lovey, I'm not." the thread answered. "Sorry to disappoint you. Must be awful shocking."

I suppose I should back up and explain a little. See, when a chaos thread is woven into the tapestry, it means that something bad is going to happen, it's going to happen soon, and Mother can't find out what it is. A chaos thread makes thing shift, so that she can see what _might happen, but not what will. We have to leave everything up to the mortals, which doesn't always turn out the best. And if Mother hadn't seen it that meant something was really wrong. Mother wouldn't miss something like that._

"If Mother didn't weave you in," I said suspiciously, "then how did you get in there?"

"You put me in here, of course!" the thread replied happily. "What else do you think happened?"

Here curses that probably can't be described with a PG-13 rating came pouring out of my mouth.  The thread wrinkled up its nose in disapproval, although how it achieved this without having a nose I can't really tell you. 

"Naughty, naughty, naughty!" It scolded. 

"Why meeeeeeeeeeeee?" I wailed head buried in my hands, "I didn't weave you in! I couldn't have put you in if I didn't weave anything! I was supposed to have fixed things, goddammit!"

"Oh, is that all you're upset about?" the thread asked. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it! I'll be leaving soon anyway." 

I perked up. "Really? YEEEES! Then I did fix things!" I did a small victory dance around the room.

"I'm just here to make sure that the insanity threads will fit in the appointed space."

I stopped. "Come again?"

"I said," the thread repeated patiently, "that I'm just here to make sure that the insanity threads will fit in the appointed space." Dread filled me. 

"And what," I asked carefully, "exactly is a 'insanity thread'?"

The thread gave the impression of a shrug. "It's a thread, that when woven into the tapestry makes…well, improbable, highly insane things happen. Ever read the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy?" I nodded numbly. "It's like the improbability drive for the tapestry."

"Great. Just spifferific. Now I've got to deal with threads of insanity…" I muttered under my breath. "What next, gryphons doing stripteases?"

"Yes, well life is full of surprises." the thread replied. "And I can probably arrange the last comment, if you wish."

"**_EW! HELL no! Okay, just for even __thinking about having a gryphon do that makes you a perverted fiend." I responded, shaking in disgust. _**

"Does your Mother know about what kind of language you use?" it inquired. I resisted the urge to chop it up into tiny pieces with a pair of scissors. 

"We're getting off subject here." I growled in response. "Why don't you be a good little thread and help me out here?" The thread pulled off a befuddled expression. "Now why on earth would I want to do that?" Forget scissors, this thread was headed for a good wham with a large, blunt object. Or two. "Besides," it added, "What could you possibly need my help with?"

"How 'bout this: how do you get rid of them?" I retorted angrily. 

The thread cleared its nonexistent throat. "Um. Well, see a improbability thread can't be removed until it feels like leaving…" 

"You're impossible, you know that?"

"Uh...let me think,"thread paused, looking thoughtful. "Yeah-no wait…yeah."

"I hate you."

"Can't we all just get along?" the thread cried plaintively. _Not as long as you're here…_ I thought, envisioning the thread being woven into a pair of underwear. Nononono, Megami. Focus. Get rid of the problem. Then kill the thread.

"Are you _sure_ they can't be removed?" I pressed. "Are you absolutely positive?"

"Yes, I'm sure. But it doesn't really matter all that much; you're not going to remember this anyway." the thread replied offhandedly.

"What?" I asked a bit stupidly.

"Oh yes," the thread chattered happily, "As soon as the improbability threads get here you're not going to remember a thing! Can't have something like that happen, of course."

"Tell. Me. What. You. Are. Talking. About." I spat out between gritted teeth.

"Or what?" taunted the thread.

 "Or I'll have to use… THESE!" I whipped out a pair of scissors from behind my back and pointed them threateningly at the chaos thread. "Spill it, you ego-inflated piece of string!" 

The thread eyed me with some misgiving. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with scissors?" I made a funny growling noise. "Okay, okay! As soon as the insanity threads get here, you're going to lose all memory of this conversation and knowledge of me." I jabbed the scissors at it. 

"More! What exactly are theses threads going to do?"

"Well, basically their going to look at the least probable things that would happen in this situation, and then make them take place. Kind of like you only multiplied by ten and on steroids." The last comment took a moment to minute to register in my brain. 

"Hey!" I frowned. "Don't push your luck, buddy. Now, when are these things going to get here again?"

"Right about…now!" it grinned. "It was nice talking to you, dearie! Toodles!" The thread glowed brightly, and then disappeared.

"Wha-? What? Hey, no, come back here! I'm not done with you yet!" I yelled at nothing in particular. "You just can't leave me hanging like that!" When nobody answered me I deflated and glared irritably at the tapestry.

"Crap." I muttered. Funny, that seemed to be one of my favorite words lately. "Now what's going to happen?"

**_Us._**

The voices echoed creepily in my head and I jerked in surprise. Whatever I had been expecting, it most definitely had not been that. 

"Us…?" I repeated.

**_Yes. We are happening now._**

"And who exactly are you again?" I asked, although I had a niggling little feeling that I already knew who it was.

**_We are the Threads of Insanity. We hope you have a nice day. _**The voices added.

Then everything went black, and the last thing I remember thinking was that this whole thing was _way_ to clichéd for it's own good.

*             *             *

Okay. There it is. Like it? Hate it? Want to burn it slowly and/or chuck it at a wall? Review, peoples! We live on those things :P  


	3. In Which Megami Makes an Entrance

**Chapter Three: In Which Megami Makes an Entrance **

AN: Umm…Yes. This has actually been done for a while, but WE ARE LAZY, so we didn't put it up. Feel free to fling rotten vegetation at us now.

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

Off in a small room, two voices suddenly started to talk, echoing strangely. They were quiet, barely noticeable, seeming to come from a tapestry hanging on the wall. In fact, no one probably would have been able to hear them unless they had been standing right next to the hanging.

_**Improbability factor?**_

_**Thirty-three million, thirty five hundred thousand, four hundred forty-five to one. **_

_**Sounds good to me.**_

Insane giggling suddenly sounded from nowhere, shortly followed by a flash of purple light.

The room was silent once more.

--

I woke up in my room, with absolutely no memory of what I had just been doing. Blearily, I tried to think of something to do that would not involve getting my mom mad at me. My mind drew a complete and utter blank, so I started thinking of the next best thing. Something to do that would be fun enough that it wouldn't matter that Mother was mad at me. I thought about it for a minute, before the most utterly brilliant and insane idea hit me like a four-ton truck. I would go to the mortal world! A small part of me screamed in terror, but I managed to squash it down by reasoning that it would probably help me send the Skandranons back. Maybe. But even if it didn't, it would be the most fun I'd had since I put the frogs in everyone's soup! The small part of me pointed out that pulling that prank had gotten me grounded for two decades, but I ignored it.

Now, how to go about this in a way that wouldn't immediately scream to Mother what I had done? I could always just pop myself in...but that was not nearly interesting enough. But it was probably the only way mother wouldn't notice me leaving. I started thinking of the most impressive pop-in entrance I could make without Mother noticing. I could add smoke...and laser lights...and MUSIC! I began to plan, making my entrance more and more elaborate. I thought about the music. Star Wars, maybe... Or the Batman theme!

Or maybe Mister Rogers' song! But that might be a bit too scary. Definitely too scary, I decided. Maybe a disco song...? No, I decided, stick with

Star Wars or Batman. I started to laugh, as I thought of the perfect song to accompany my entrance. The Darth Vader theme!

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled evilly. But there was no reason to show myself right away, I decided as I popped out, carefully making myself invisible. This could, quite possibly, be the most fun I had ever had!

--

Selenay refrained from sighing. She was sick and tired of council meetings that went on forever and ever. Halfheartedly, she wished something urgent would come up so the council meeting would have to stop. She wanted to spend some more time with the twins. Lately, she had been neglecting to spend time with them. _I wonder how long they were chickens..._ she thought randomly_. Oh well, it doesn't matter. They're okay now._

"Your majesty, Bramben Cornal the merchant has a problem he wishes to discuss with you," one of the pages announced.

"Yes, yes. Send him in." Selenay replied tiredly. _Great. More complaints to listen to._

"Your highness, I am standing before you today-" Here was where Selenay tuned out. A half a candlemark later the merchant finally got to his point. Selenay nearly cried with relief. She said a few sentences from her stash of useful phrases, and the merchant left. Yay.

"THHEEEEEEEEE SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" The doors to the council room burst open, and a young man dressed in blue came running in, screaming about utensils.

"What's this about spoons?" asked Selenay.

"I was standing there and there was a spoon and it went 'wham!' and it hit me on the heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" the man babbled. Selenay rolled her eyes in exasperation. Why were there so many completely idiotic wusses in the palace?

"Who was holding the spoon, and why did they hit you?" she asked patiently

"I didn't do anything and a big metal spoon appeared in mid air and whacked me on the heaaaaaaaaaad!"

"Did anything else happen?" Selenay prodded. The man thought.

"Um... There was some fiendish cackling..."

"WHAM!"

"OOOOWWWWWW!"

"HEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"What the f-" Kerowyn broke off as Selenay glared at her.

"The spoon whacked me bum!" Selenay fell off her chair whilst Kerowyn tried to cover up her laughter by having a very fake coughing attack. "It did! It appeared in mid air and whacked me bum!"

"Of course it did." Selenay soothed the frightened man, struggling to get back into her chair.

"WHAM!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"Stop it right now! And whoever or whatever is doing this get your...butt out here this instant!" Kerowyn bellowed.

"Help me." muttered Selenay, slumping forward in her chair. "Dear gods, please help me..."

"Really?" the voice came from nowhere, and was obviously the same as the laughter's. "Just don't ask certain gods to help you. If you do, I might have to kill you."

"What?" was Selenay's oh-so-clever reply. The voice sighed in exasperation.

"Neeever mind. Honestly, mortals are so stupid."

"Hey!" Selenay exclaimed in surprise. "You're the voice who was talking to me about going insane!"

"Don't know what you're talking about." the voice replied. "Absolutely no idea whatsoever."

"Are you going to show yourself or not?" Kerowyn asked testily.

"Oh, I suppose I'll have to eventually, but for now I think this is much more fun. Don't you? Think I'll be going now though. Toodles!"

Talia blinked in surprise. "Well," she remarked to no one in particular, "That was interesting."

Happy voices filled the air, chattering aimlessly about this and that. The Skans stood around talking with the happy birthday boy,

Elden.

_:And that's how we defeated Ma'ar: _finished the oldest Skan triumphantly.

_:No, no, you've got it all wrong:_ Protested the middle one. _:This is how it really happened—:_

_:GAAAA! I can't stand you people arguing about my future! Talk about someone else's future for a change:_ the youngest yelled.

_:Er, we defeated Falconsbane..:_ Elden offered hesitantly._ :And Falconsbane was Ma'ar, I think...:_

_:How could he be Ma'ar? I killed Ma'ar:_ huffed the oldest Skan.

_:What, so now its gone from 'we' to 'I':_ asked the youngest Skan in annoyance.

_:Well, I am the oldest...:_ reminded the gryphon.

_:Yes, but that doesn't make you the only one who killed him.:_ the middle Skan huffed.

_:I was the first one to kill him.:_ said the old Skan in a way that hinted at his superiority.

"Fuck you." retorted the middle Skan in Kaled'a'in.

--

"Kiiior'io Hin'ich'i!" one of the gryphon said scathingly in a language Elden didn't understand. He blinked a couple times, shrugged, and decided not to ask.

:_It was very nice talking to all of you.:_ he said politely, and then quickly left.

He strolled though his party, nodding at the losers trying to suck up to him. They should get a life. He thought, finally making his way up to where Kerowyn was seated.

"Hello dear." he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Isn't this a wonderful party? Everything is going perfectly. No surprises at this party!" AN: Nooo, we're not being obvious at all. We are so subtle you wouldn't even believe it... Kerowyn smiled up at him.

"Yes." she said simply.

--

_:SKANDRANON:_ Yelled a 'voice', very, very loudly.

"AYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" All of them yelled together.

_:What:_ the youngest yelped.

"You again?" Kero shouted. "Will you either go away or be visible?" Suddenly the room was filled with dark, eerie music, and smoke rose up from the floor. Strange lights flashed strangely in bright colors. The smoke started to clear, revealing a teenagish girl wearing an odd mixture of Tayladras, Shin'a'in and Karsite clothing. Her hair was a bright, almost glowing yellow and Elden was shocked to notice that her eyes were the same type of star spangled darkness that the Goddess had. A large metal spoon and a sword were strapped across her back.

"W-who are you?' he asked, dreading the answer. The girl turned slowly, rotating in place until she was facing him. Her eyes burned holes in his skull.

"I. Am. BATMAN!" the music grew louder with each word, and hen suddenly cut off as the words echoed strangely around the room. Elden and the girl stood there, frozen in place for a long time. The silence stretched unbearably, and Elden could see the girl's eyes crinkling up as her mouth twitched slightly at the corners.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the girl burst out laughing, doubling over and Elden fell over in surprise. The girl made a visible effort to get a hold of herself, look around, and seemed to notice for the first time that everyone was staring at her.

"What? You all look as if you've never seen a Goddess before! Happy birthday, by the way." Elden blinked a few times, and then realized that the last part was directed at him.

"Um, thanks?" The total silence that had filled the room suddenly turned into an uproar of noise. The girl clapped her hands over her ears.

"Aiii!" Elden heard her say. "Shit, mortals sure are loud."

"Um, Batman?" he inquired hesitantly. "Did you say you were...a goddess?"

"Uh, yeah." She said Duhly. "What else would I be? And by the way, the name's

Megami. I was just kidding about the whole Batman thing."

"R-riiiiiiiight." replied Daren. "If you say so, your Holiness."

"Whom exactly," Selenay cut in before Megami could say any more, "Is Mother, anyway?" At this the girl actually looked sheepish.

"Ah, haha. Let's not get into that, shall we? And you. Call me 'Holiness' again and you die. Maybe twice." Elden decided to shut up and let Kerowyn deal with this...complication.

"Megami-it is Megami, right? Ah, good-what exactly do you want from us?" Selenay asked, remaining remarkably calm.

"Oh, right." Megami slapped her forehead. "I forgot! And I had a whole rant planned too... Eh, well. I'm here for these idiots." she gestured offhandedly at the Skans, who were huddled together in a ball on the floor.

_:Ah, what about us:_ ventured the youngest.

"You are going to leave. As soon as possible. Or when I feel like it. Whichever comes first. Until then, I'll just hang around here and do whatever I want." she grinned. "Fun, huh!"

Kero slumped in her seat and buried her head in her hands. "Gods help us all..." she muttered. "We're going to need it."

--

Karal stared at the strange girl through Altra's eyes. He wondered who she was. She kind of reminded him of Vkandis.

"I. Am. BATMAN!"

_Oh_. He thought. _Never mind, then._

_:She's not Batman. She had better turn around this instant and get her sorry butt back where it belongs right now.:_ Altra did not sound very happy about this at all. _:I will kill her. And then I'll tell her father, and he'll kill her. And then he--:_

"Altra!" Karal cut in. "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen!" The girl was now saying something about the Skans and making them go back or some such nonsense -- Karal couldn't understand very well because he was at the back of the room.

_:I KNEW it:_ Altra growled. _:I knew I had felt some Sun power, but I thought I was losing my senses because Vkandis would never do something like that. Ohhh, her father is going to kill her, and then bring her back and kill her again, and then her mother is going to kill her several times and I'm going to kill her too --: _Altra was beginning to dig his claws into Karal's lap (he was sitting at a table with a few Heralds) and it hurt.

"If you're through plotting her untimely demises" he hissed through gritted teeth, "Why don't you go make Skif into a pincushion, hmmm?"

_:Sorry.: _Altra said, not very convincingly, and let go. _:But she is going to be so sorry that any inkling of a thought entered her--:_ Altra continued ranting, getting steadily louder until Karal was certain that anyone with Mindspeech could hear him. At this point, Altra had been raving on for about fifteen minutes, and had yet to tell Karal why he was so pissed off at the girl. Karal had quite enough of it, and he suspected the only way to get Altra to stop was to get him to actually talk to the girl. He muttered a quick prayer to Vkandis, and then stood up, dropping Altra ungracefully onto the floor. Which actually served him right, and Karal walked over to the girl. He grabbed her wrist, and she started, saw Altra, rolled her eyes, and allowed herself to be pulled to the nearest exit.

"Here you go Altra," said Karal, shutting the door of the council room. "Now you can chew this girl out. Happy?"

"Well, thanks a lot, Karal." she said sarcastically, making him sit down in surprise. "And weren't you listening? I'm Megami!"

_:YOU:_ Altra burst out suddenly, _:YOU—YOU IDIOT! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT_

_YOU'VE DONE:_

"Uh, yeah. Duh. I sent three Skans to the future, tried to send them back, failed miserably and decided to would be easier from here. Duuuh!"

_:YOU WILL BE KILLED! I WILL KILL YOU! AND THEN I'LL TELL YOUR_

_FATHER! AND HE WILL KILL YOU MANY, MANY TIMES:_

"Don't forget about Mother." Megami added.

_:YES! AND SHE WILL KILL YOU TOO! AND, AND...and...:_ Altra faltered.

"Niiiiiiiice." Megami commented, sitting down onto one of the council tables. "Yup, I'm really scared now." She snapped her fingers, and a steaming cup fell out of the air and landed in her hand. Calmly she lifted it up to her lips and sipped at it, somehow making it seem like she was sitting on a throne in a grand chamber, not sitting on a dusty table in a cold stone room.

"Oh, and by the way Altra, you're not telling Father. I happen to know about a few things you've done that Father would be quite...happy to know about." she said smugly between sips. Altra edged closer to Karal, seeming almost sheepish.

_:I suppose you'll be found out and killed no matter what I do.:_ Altra grumped. Megami smiled, and Karal resisted the urge to back away from her. The grin she wore took up half her face, and she was smiling in a somewhat frightening way. He noticed nervously that she looked rather like a cat that had gotten away with something.

"Good. Now if you two gentlemen will excuse me, my adoring fans are waiting." Megami said regally before disappearing.

"So. Who is she? Exactly?" Karal asked. Altra sighed pathetically.

_:She's the daughter of Vkandis and the Star Eyed...:_

Silence.

"You're joking, right?" Karal asked dazedly.

_:I wish I was. Unfortunately, she is most definitely their daughter. I've had to baby-sit her before.:_

"Aren't Gods supposed to be more...Godlike?" he asked rather stupidly.

_:Yes, but she's fifteen. What do you expect:_ Altra replied, and Karal could hear his tail swishing across the floor in annoyance.

"So we're stuck with a teenage goddess. What fun. When did she say she was leaving?" Altra sighed.

_:Either when one of her parents finds out where she is, or when she gets bored and decides that somewhere else would be more interesting.:_

"What about the Skans?"

_:Oh, she'll probably do something about them eventually. But then again, she might not.:_

"Goody."

_:Yup.:_

--

I needed to sleep. More to the point, I needed somewhere to sleep. I could of course have the nicest room in it palace if I chose, but that seemed way too boring. Besides, that meant that I wouldn't have anyone to annoy. I thought hard about this for a few moments. Who would be the funnest? Why, Altra, of course! But I couldn't just move into his room, because that wouldn't be nearly as fun. I thought a little more, then decided on his closet. Waitaminute. I frowned. Altra was a cat, albeit a magical one. He didn't have a room. But he did have that kid he'd been with, and the kid would probably have a room. And that meant he would have a closet too! I would have to remodel a little, of course, and I'd have to put his stuff somewhere, but it would be perfect! Now I just had to find out where his room was... I decided to ask someone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a herald trainee round the corner. Good enough, I decided.

"Hey! You!" I shouted at him. The trainee looked around nervously.

"Who? Me?" he asked.

"Yeah." I told him "where's Altra's kid's room?"

"Karal's room?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Um... I think it's over by the library somewhere." he responded helpfully.

"And that's... where?" I asked impatiently. Honestly, mortals can be so dumb!

"Down the hall and to the left."

"'Kay, great." I muttered as I walked away. The trainee blinked once or twice, trying to figure out whom the heck he had just talked to and why her hair was glowing. I smirked.

An hour later I was still wandering around the palace trying to find Karal's room, and out of a lack of food had began to hallucinate.

"Hello," I said to a passing rhinoceros. "Would you happen to know where a goddess can get some food and Karal's room around this place?" The rhinoceros snorted at me, turned into a penguin and flew away. I smiled at it, and walked straight into the monstrous petunia that had sprouted in front of me. "Hi, what's your name?" I asked it. The petunia gave me a weird look.

"Yuiop," it said, as if I was the weirdest thing it had seen in its life.

"YOU'RE SO KIYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" I squealed, latching onto the petunia and hugging it. The petunia turned an interesting shade of blue.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" it shouted in surprise.

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I gave the petunia a noogie. Suddenly it sprouted bright yellow tentacles and started stuffing them in my ears. I giggled, thinking it was playing some sort of obscure petunia game with me. The tentacles were kind of ugly though, so I waved my hand and turned them into blaze orange bunny slippers.

_Much better!_ I thought cheerfully, turned to walk away and ran into a rather large stonewall. This rather hurt, so I decided to fall over. I contemplated passing out a little bit, but decided against it. The wall chose that exact moment to fall down on me. I reconsidered passing out. This time I decided it would be a good idea. When I came to, I hurt, and I was very hungry. I was basically a big hungry bruise.

I decided to get something to eat.

I called up a bowl of pasta, and dug in. "Megami?" I looked up to see Karal and Altra walk around the corner.

"Hi!" I said cheerfully. "How is my head?"

"What?" Asked Karal, looking confused.

"My head," I explained. "It feels like it's a balloon. How big does it look?"

"It looks normal to me." he said. "What did you do to make it feel like that?"

"I ran into the wall and it fell on me." I replied, gesturing vaguely at the wall, which was, strangely, still standing. I frowned at it.

_:Reaaaaaaaaaaally.: _said Altra, giving me this look. _:The wall fell on you.:_

"Yup!" I nodded furiously. "That was right after I ran into the big cute petunia!"

_:A petunia.:_ Altra stated flatly. _:You ran into a petunia in the hallway:_

"Uh huh! It was really big and cute, but then it sprouted tentacles so I turned them into bunny slippers. Then the wall fell on me so I passed out. It seemed like the polite thing to do," I explained.

"Here, Megami." Karal gave me a hand up. "I think you need to lie down and rest for a while."

"Rest? That means sleep, right? Yeeeeeeeaaah, that's what I was gonna do, but then there was this rhino and…Yeah," I finished, seeing the weird looks both Karal and Altra were giving me.

"What's a rhino?' Karal asked. "Is it some kind of bird?"

"No, its sort of a big... thing. Like an elephant, only smaller, and with a horn on its nose."

"Oh... Of course." Karal nodded his head, pretending he knew what I was talking about. I looked at him skeptically, and then decided it didn't matter anyway. "You mentioned sleep, right?" I asked.

"Yes." He took my arm gently and began to lead me down the hallway. "You can go rest in the Healer's Dorm."

"The whata what?" I asked, slightly alarmed. "Don't I get a room? You got one, right? So where's mine?"

"Um..." Karal blinked. "Well, I guess we never really figured you would need a room, being a goddess and all."

"Like hell!" I answered. "Helloooooo, why would I not want someplace I can get decent stuff without making mother kill me for corrupting your precious culture or whatever she's always going on about when I try to give you people something civilized?"

"Don't worry, I'll get you a room." Karal assured me hastily.

"Good. Where is it?"

"Well, I haven't got it yet, but if you'd like to go sleep for a while, I can get you one by the time you wake up." He explained patiently.

"If I can't sleep in my own room I'll have to sleep in yours," I informed him pleasantly. "So where is your room, anyway?" Karal looked like he would never want someone as insane as me anywhere near his room, but then started walking. "This way," he said over his shoulder. Several hallways and a few doors later, we reached a room.

"Eeeyuk!" I exclaimed, making a face. "Who would want to live in here?" Karal gave me a deadpan look.

"That would be my room." he responded dryly.

"Aha! Ahahahaha..." I laughed guiltily. "Did I say that? 'Cuz what I really meant was, um, who wouldn't want to live in this room?" Karal cast his eyes heavenward and walked into the room, Altra padding along beside him. I trailed in after him, creeping around the room. "Hey, I like that altar. That is a niiice altar." I piped up hopefully, trying to recover my lost graces.

"My bed is in there," Karal told me. "I'm going to take care of getting you a room. You can move into your own room as soon as I get back."

I waited until he and Altra had left, and then went into the next room. It was depressingly boring, but there was a bed, and I decided to go to sleep before I passed out. I woke up to Altra was sitting on my stomach.

_:Karal's in the other room waiting for you to wake up.:_ he informed me in a way that made it obvious that he would have just woken me and kicked me out.

"Thanks a bunch," I muttered blearily, still half asleep.

:_You are quite welcome.: _Altra replied primly. _:Now go let Karal show you your own room.:_

"Mmmmmm." I mumbled, stood up, fell over, and decided to stay where I was. The floor was awfully cold, though.

_:Come on:_ Altra snapped annoyingly. _:Karal's waiting:_

"Sure." I muttered. "I'll fix it mom, I swear."

_:Stop muttering that nonsense and come on:_ Altra told me, poking my hand with his claws.

"All right, all right! Jeez." I stumbled over to the door and threw it open. Altra slithered around my feet and ran over next to Karal.

Karal looked over at me. "Do you always look like that when you get up?" he asked skeptically.

"No. Sometimes I actually look alive." I retorted sharply. "Where do you people keep the coffee around here?"

"Coffee?" Karal asked blankly.

I stared at him in disbelief. "You don't have COFFEE!" I shrieked. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!"

"It was your choice to come here you know. You could have just stayed where you do have coffee," Karal told me. "But if you'd like, I can get you some chava, and you can actually try something different."

I frowned at him. "No."

He shrugged. "Have it your way."

I growled at him, turned, growled at Altra, and stomped back into his room.

_:Megami:_ Altra shouted at me._ :GET BACK HERE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO_

_GO TO YOUR ROOM: _

Oops. I opened the door, stomped back out and sat down on the floor. Altra gave me a weird look_. :What was the point of that:_ he asked. _:Did you have a point there at all:_

I looked away. "Keh. Stupid mortals." I muttered irritably. So damn nosy all the time.

Karal blinked confusedly. "Would you like to go to your room?" he asked slowly.

I thought about this for a moment. "Shuuuuuuuuuur," I decided.

"This way." Karal escorted me down a hall and to the left. We stopped in front of an extremely expensive looking door, and I opened it cautiously. Inside was probably the most expensive suite in the palace.

I found it depressingly, horrendously boring.

The whole thing was decked out in velvet and silk, all in bright, festive colors that clashed horrendously. Experimentally, I sat down on the bed and immediately sunk into the middle of it. I bounced a bit, but it was too cushy to be very springy. Karal watched for a bit, then left.

"Waitaminute" I wailed, upon discovering I couldn't get out. "HELP ME!" The door was already shut though, and no sound could get through it. I yelled a bit more, then gave up and went back to sleep.

--

Um…Yeah.


	4. In Which Megami is Mean to Eskanaba and ...

**Chapter Four: In Which Megami is Mean to Eskanaba and Moves Out of Her Room**

AN: It's official. We suck. A lot. Long story short: Krissy's computer ate everything, and then we wept SALTY TEARS OF WOE. And Julie moved a kajillion miles (read: like, forty hundred and fifty) away to Bemidji. And Krissy cried salty tears of woe. Again.

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

I was asleep. It was rather nice. But then I woke up. Which really wasn't so nice.

"Hello." Someone said.

"Whaaa...?" I replied intelligently, still trying to figure out why I wasn't asleep.

"Are you Megami?" the person inquired politely.

"Yeees," I replied, trying to figure out why they would care. "Why?"

"My name is Eskanaba, and I'm going to be your servant for the rest of your stay here." The person replied, and I blinked at him fuzzily.

"Eskabana?"

"Eskanaba." He corrected.

"Eskanaaaaaaaaaaaaaba!" I replied happily.

"Yes. That's right."

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaba!" "Mmhmm." Eskanaba responded tolerantly, as one might a happy drunk.

"I can't get up," I told him conversationally, trying to sit up and sinking into the bed.

"Let me help you," He offered, extending a hand. I blinked at if a few times, then grabbed it. He pulled me rather quickly, and I fell over. I landed on the floor rather than the bed though, so I was able to get up by myself, ignoring the hand that Eskanaba had once again extended.

"Thaaaaaaaaaaaaanks buddy. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ya got any coffee?"

"No..." he replied, looking a bit unsure. "But I might be able to get some..."

"Cool! Go, fast, now! Now! Go!" I made shooing motions at him with my hands, pushing him towards the door. "You're losing time--HOOOOOOOOLY CRAP."

As he opened the door, I saw the people outside of it. Lots of them.

Once they saw me, a great cry went up and they all fell to the ground on their knees and began to pray. Or at least, that's what it looked like. A mild feeling that was something akin to panic over took me.

"What the hell?" I demanded, glaring at Eskanaba, who couldn't get through the mass of people to get my coffee. "Who the hells are these people?"

"Um. I don't know."

"Well get them to go away! Or get me coffee. Whichever comes first."

"Good. Go. Now. Run. Faster." I shoved him out into the mass of people, and slammed the door shut. There arose a great cry from the people outside. "A SACRIFICE TO THE GODDESS!" I heard someone yell, shortly followed by Eskanaba asking politely if they could please not point the sword at his throat because it was making him rather uncomfortable. I wondered if I should maybe go see if this would delay my coffee, but decided that Eskanaba was probably getting the people to go away first. Several screams, muted grumbling, loud cursing and five minutes later Eskanaba appeared with a tray, looking slightly harassed.

"I told them I was your priest." He said, setting the tray down. "I hope you don't mind."

"That depends, did you get rid of them?" I asked, peering suspiciously at the tray.

"Yeah. I said that if they didn't leave, you were going to turn them all into green mold."

"Oooh, are there any still out there? That would be fun!"

"Um..." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe one or two. I'm not sure."

"Yay!" I ran out the door, looking for any leftover people that I could turn into mold. Sure enough, there was a skanky looking guy lurking outside of my doorway. "WOOT!" I shouted at him, trying to turn him into green mold. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work, and he made a sort of strangled popping noise before turning into a pile of blue and yellow mushrooms.

"Dammit." I muttered.

"Eep!" Eskanaba, who had followed me out, squeaked from behind me.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," I assured him. "I was trying to turn him into mold."

Eskanaba eeped again, and started to tun an interesting shade of yellow.

"Coffee now!" I declared, and swept back into my room. I took the cup that was on top of the tray, and took a drink. "Bleeaaaaaaaaah..." I made a face, and spat it onto the floor. "What the hell is this? It's not coffee!"

"It's coffee!" Eskanaba looked slightly frightened.

"Is it really?" I stared at him. " ARE YOU SURE?"

"Yees..."

I shrugged. "Whatever then." He gave me an odd look, and I chugged down the rest of the so-called coffee.

"Let's go destroy something!" I declared randomly, pointing out the window.

"I really don't think that's such a good idea..."

"But why not? It would be fun!"

"I have...other stuff I need to do."

I frowned at him. "I thought you were supposed to be my servant!"

"Yes. Well..."

"Well what! Are you mine or not?"

"That was a mildly disturbing sentence in more ways then one." He remarked serenely.

"Shut up! Jerk. I'm gonna go destroy something." I stuck my tongue out at him and stalked out through the wall.

"Try not to kill anyone!" I heard him call faintly.

Ha. Fat chance.

"Megami!" someone called.

"Whatsit?"

"I AM A RANDOM PERSON!" they declared, and ran away.

"WOOO!" I yelled, running after them.

"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH!" They sang happily.

I twitched, and a pair of teeth fell on their head.

"Yay!"

Having done my good deed for this person, I went off to find something to destroy.

"Heh heh heh." I cackled to myself.

"Your Holiness!" Someone else yelled at me.

"Wha...buh?" I turned around. "Me?"

The person looked slightly confused. "Of course you," he said. "Who else would be referred to as 'Holiness?'"

"My mom."

"But your mom isn't here!"

"Yeah, well...so?"

Since the guy had first yelled at me, a thought had been trying to push its way into my head. "HEY!" I yelled as it finally made it in. "Didn't you hear me when I said that if people called me 'Holiness' I would kill them? Maybe twice?"

"No!"

"Oh." I considered this. "Well I did. So now I have to kill you. Twice."

"Well, crap." the guy said.

"Don't worry." I told him reassuringly. "I'll bring you back afterwards. Probably."

"Okay then!"

"Well, as long as you're okay with that..." I twitched an elbow, causing a giant bunny rabbit to fall on the guy. SQUOOSH! Went the guy. I snickered at the funny sound. The bunny then hopped away and disappeared, and I brought the guy back to life. "Wasn't that fun?" I asked him.

The guy looked at me. "Not really..." he said uncertainly.

"Of course it was! Let's do it again." I responded, completely ignoring the guy.

The guy looked frightened, and started backing away slowly.

"Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad!"

"But I have to, ah..." He looked over his shoulder. "My mom is calling me!"

"Oh. Well. Fine then." I made shooing gestures at him. "Go away."

He bolted, almost falling over as he tried to run one way when his feet were still pointing the other.

"Moms are absolutely nutters. Time for more coffee!" I declared, looking around to see if any was immediately available. Unfortunately, there wasn't, so I waltzed back to my room to see if Eskanaba still had some. When I got there however, Eskanaba was missing.

"...dammit." Maybe I could find him somewhere. Or at least find some coffee. I decided to go look.

Maybe if I went to the kitchens I could find some coffee! I wondered where the kitchens were.

Getting frustrated with my lack of knowledge about everything, I swore at a nearby wall. The wall ignored me.

"FINE." I said and walked through it. Just because I could. Amazingly enough, on the other side of the wall was a kitchen.

"Yay!" I clapped my hands together in excitement. A cook type person gave me a strange, slightly frightened look

"Hullo!" I said. "Do you have any coffee? And if not, have you seen Eskanaba?"

"I... think I can get you some coffee..."

"Fer reals?"

"Y-yeesss"

"Okay then. Go go quick like a bunny!"

The cook type person gave me one last weird look, then turned around and wandered off.

I followed him, for a lack of anything better to do.

He went over to a random counter, putzed around for a bit, then went somewhere else and got a cup.

"Is that for me?" I asked with interest.

"It's so SHINNNY."

"Yes." he informed me, going back to the first place.

"Oh goodie!"

The chef guy poured something into the cup that looked vaguely coffee-like and smelled vaugely coffee-like and handed it to me. "Here you go." he said.

"COFFEE!" I shrieked, grabbing it away from him and chugging it down.

"WOOOOOoooo yeah thanks!" I handed the cup back to him. "MORE NOW!" He looked rather like he wanted to run away, but took the cup back and refilled it.

"Hee hee heeeeeee..." I cackled. "Coffeeeeeee...hey, that rhymes!"

"Um... yes it does?" the chef cook replied uncertainly.

"Well, thanks. Pal. Buddy. Friend o' me heart." I patted him on the back. "Laddy."

"Megami? What are you doing in here?" Eskanaba asked, walking through a door that I hadn't noticed.

"I'm getting acquainted with Laddy here. I think I'm going to adopt him."

Laddy made an eeping noise.

"He likes me!" I exclaimed happily. "See? He's wetting himself with joy!"

"Megami, maybe you should think about not adopting him." Eskanaba suggested.

"Okay!" I agreed and nanced away.

"Why are you walking funny?"

"Because it's national talk like a pirate day!"

"I don't think it is... and what does talking like a pirate have to do with walking funny?"

"Well, nothing really." I admitted. "But that's not the point!"

"I see..." Eskanaba nodded sagely.

"Do you think we could take a pot of coffee back with us to my room?" I asked wistfully.

"I suppose."

"YAY!"

I snatched the pot of coffee and headed back through the wall towards my room.

I heard Eskanaba sigh behind me.

I briefly wondered why, but decided it wasn't important and waltzed down the hall to my room.

A little while later he showed up, looking mildly disgruntled.

"What's the matter Eskie?" I asked him interestedly

"Nothing. And don't call me Eskie."

"Whyever not?"

"Because.

"Because why? C'mon, nobbie, you can tell me!"

"I. Don't. Like. Nicknames."

"Oh. Well why didn't you just say so?"

He grunted. "Here's your coffee."

"Thank you ever so much!"

"So. Uh." I rubbed my hands together. "I was thinking about, oh...y'know...moving into Karal's closet."

Eskanaba blinked at me. "Why?"

"I don't like this room. And I like his. So. Yeah."

"But isn't his closet kind of... small?"

"Well, I can fix that, silly."

"Ah. And how does he feel about this?"

"I'm sure he'll love it."

"Well I guess I can't stop you then, can I?" Eskanaba looked as if he might want to panic.

"Nope." I agreed. "Isn't that just great?"

"Oh, it's wonderful. Do you need me, or can I go lie down?"

"I need you more than anything ever." I informed him. "Let's go." He groaned a bit, but followed me out into the hall. "So, where am I going again?" I asked. "This way?"

"Krms thswy," Eskanaba answered, pointing the other direction.

"What was that?"

"It's this way," he told me sullenly.

"ONWARDS!" I cried. I set off down the hall, Eskanaba trailing along behind me. It was a long, arduous journey where I fell down a lot and Eskanaba tried to delay things by talking to everyone he saw. Finally though, we arrived at Karal's room.

"Ta-da!"

"Ta-da? Ta-da what?"

"Ta-da we're here!"

"Oh. Does that mean we can leave?"

"No. Silly." I gave him a noogie.

He winced. "Can you just get this over with then?"

"OHOHOHOHO." I bellowed, and walked through the door.

There was no one inside, so I went directly to the closet to see what I should do with it.

_:Hey:_

"What?" At least I had thought there was no one in the room...

Altra appeared out of nowhere!

"What are you doing?" Karal asked, stepping out from behind a large wooden thing.

"Oh. Uh. Moving into your closet?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Beeecause?"

_:And what are you going to do with the stuff already in there:_ Altra demanded, glaring at me.

I shrugged. "Put it somewhere else, I guess."

_:Where:_

"In my old room!"

_:That's an awfully long way for Karal to walk whenever he wants his things.:_

I waved my hand irritably. "Then I'll make a door to it, okay? Geez."

"But why my closet?" Karal asked plaintively

"It's a very nice closet. And it's blue!"

"What does the color have to do with it? It's tiny!"

"I just happen to like the color blue. A lot."

"It's still tiny!"

"Didn't we go over this already? I can fix that."

"But it's my closet!"

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!"

"Well it is..."

"Okay, executive decision: I am taking your closet. End of story."

"That's hardly fair!"

"Nyah nyah." I stuck out my tongue. "Sucks to be you!"

"But do you have to just take it? Couldn't you at least ask or something?"

"Hmmm. I suppose. Karal, can I please, please, PLEASE have your closet?"

"I guess you can..."

"YAAAAAY!"

I ran into the closet, and promptly transformed it into a room. With a fuzzy blue squishy thing in it. Because it's cute.

"Geh." Karal said piteously.

I turned around and smiled at him. "Problem?"

_:Golly gee wiz, no.:_ Altra answered for him sarcastically.

"Good." I turned around to consider my new room. It needed a bed. And some coffee!

The bed was fairly easy, but the coffee needed something to be in. Like a mug!

"Mug mug." I chanted, and one appeared in my hand shortly followed by some coffee. I drank it, then squinted at the mug to see if there would be more. Obligingly, it filled again.

"You are so weird." Eskanaba commented.

"No, YOU'RE so weird!" I told him.

"I suppose so."

"Hey! Jerk!"

Eskanaba smiled and shook his head.

"What's that supposed to mean!" I demanded.

"Nothing." He raised his hands in defense. "Doesn't your room need something else? Like, oh, a window?"

I scowled at him, and waved my hand, causing one of my walls to be completely covered in windows.

_:That's just lovely.:_

I turned to look at it. "It is, isn't it?"

"Just...just don't do anything you can't fix, okay?" Karal asked desperately.

"What should i name my new hamster?" I asked him.

"Um?"

_:...what's a hamster:_ asked Altra.

"THIS!" I popped one into being and shoved it in his face. "And no eating her!"

"Ah. Uhm. Keina?"

I frowned a bit. "No."

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"A girl! Duh! That's why I told Altra not to eat HER!"

"Oh. Right."

"Soooo, what should I name her?"

Altra said something rude, which I ignored.

"How about Gertrude?" Eskanaba suggested.

"You have got to be joking."

"Oh." he looked rather depressed about it for some reason.

"What's your problem?"

"Nothing." he muttered, looking at his feet and turning bright red.

"LIAR!" I poked him. "TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!"

"Eep!"

"Come on! We're practically best buddies!"

"Since when?"

"Since now. Spill!"

"Aren't you forgetting about your hamster?" He asked desperately.

"Meh. We'll worry about that later." I said dismissively.

"Why not now"

"Because we're worrying about you!"

"You don't have to worry about me! I'm fine!"

"Fine. FINE."

"Are you quite done with my closet now?" Karal asked.

"You may go."

"What?"

"You can go away now."

"And what if I don't want to?"

I frowned. "Then you can stay, of course. But it's not going to be very interesting."

"What are you going to do?" He asked suspiciously.

"Sleep."

_:Like bloody hell you're going to sleep:_ Altra said, glaring at me.

"Damn, you caught me."

_:So what are you going to do about it:_

"Nothing." I shrugged. "Let's go somewhere else."

He peered suspiciously at me. _:Where:_

"Well, she hasn't seen any of the other parts of the palace yet." Karal said. "You know, like the healers collegium."

Eskanaba raised a hesitant hand.

"You!" I pointed at him. "Say whatever you have to say!"

"Am I really needed for this? Or can I go now?"

"I suppose not. Away, my minion!"

He nearly fell over, then turned and ran out the door.

Completely ignoring everything that had just happened, Karal continued talking. "Would that be okay? Or

do you want to go to somewhere else?"

I stared at him for a few seconds. "Let's go."

--

All right, stayed tuned for MORE WACKY ADVENTURES. Or, y'know, don't. Whichever you prefer.


	5. In Which Megami Simplifies Things Immens...

**Chapter Four (part two): In Which Megami Simplifies Things Immensely And Everyone is Afraid of Fangryphons**

AN: Okay, we had to post this chapter in two parts because apparently hates Krissy. So we're not amazingly productive or anything. Sorry.

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

The youngest Skan posed heroically while the two gryphons looked on in adoration. The male gryphon looked up at Skan with adoration in his eyes. "Did you really kill five hundred makaar at once?"

Skan stared down imperiously at him. "Of course. Would I lie to you?"

"Of course not!" Treyvan hastily assured him. "It's just so amazing!"

Skan preened. "You are forgiven."

"Oh thank you, Great Skandranon! Ruler of the Skies, Slayer of Makaar, Conqueror of, ah... Everything!"

"Are you talking about me?" inquired another Skan, casually waltzing up to the three gryphons.

"Of course!" the Treyvan replied, sounding confused.

"Of course what?" asked the third and final Skan, popping up behind the non-Skan gryphons.

"Ah... Of course you are the Ruler of the Skies?" Treyvan said, looking uneasily from one Skan to the next.

"What are you doing?" demanded the youngest Skan. "These are MY fangryphons! Get your own!"

"There aren't any others, genius." The eldest told him in a patronizing tone.

"I SMITE YOU!" Skan shouted in reply.

"Oooh, I'm so scared I could cry." The other Skan said Sarcastically.

"Well...Umm...gr!"

"There you are!" The goddess from the night before declared loudly, walking into the room with Karal and Altra straggling behind. "I've been looking all OVER for you three!"

"Why would you want us?" the middle Skan asked nervously, hiding behind the oldest. The goddess rolled her eyes.

"You three are so thick. Isn't it obvious?"

"Ah... no?" Young Skan said, backing away. She frowned.

"Fine. Guess."

"You... want to admire my beautiful black body?"

"Ew. No"

"I think it's a good idea," the female gryphon put in. The cat suddenly spoke up.

_:Hydona. You...frighten me.:_

The goddess nodded in agreement. "How 'bout if you two go somewhere else for a while. You can worship these dopes later."

Treyvan looked at her with big watery eyes. "But..." he protested, "They're the SKANDRANON!"

"Yes," the goddess agreed. "And I'm Megami, and whatever I say happens. And I say shoo." Treyvan promptly burst into tears. Karal got a pained look, and said something to the goddess in a disapproving tone. "Whaaaaaaaaaat? It's not my fault he's a baby." She protested, which only made Treyvan bawl louder.

"You made me fangryphon cry!" Skan accused her. Megami shrugged.

"Ummm...oops?"

"YOUR fangryphon! Don't you mean OUR fangryphon?" the middle Skan demanded.

"No. He was obviously admiring me the most."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"PEOPLE!" Megami shouted. "SHUT UP!" The two arguing gryphons looked at her in surprise. Skan considered a moment, and then decided that the risk of losing an argument to himself was worse than the risk of angering the goddess.

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

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"Was not a thousand million gazillion times!"

"Was too infinity times!"

"Was not infinity plus one times!"

"You can't add to infinity!"

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"Nuh-uh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Ha! I win!" Skan turned to Megami. "So what did you want?" Megami rolled her eyes, but before she could say anything, Altra cut in.

_:Has it occurred to you that Karal just might want to know what's going on:_

"No. Should it have?" Megami replied with a confused look.

_:Yes. Now why don't you do something about this:_

"Such as...?"

_:I don't know, you're the goddess! Make them speak Valdemaran or something:_ Altra replied testily, flicking his ears toward the Skans.

"Fine." Megami muttered, twitching her finger.

"No, really, that's quite alright," The oldest Skan assured her, backing away. A few seconds later, all three gryphons simultaneously realized that he had spoken in clicks and grunts, and the other two had understood. This caused them all to begin shrieking wildly and flapping around the room. They did this for about ten minutes, until the three gryphons to freeze mid shrieks. Megami considered them for a moment, then twitched another finger.

"Talk." she ordered.

"Why should I?" Middle Skan asked.

"Why should you what?" Karal wanted to know.

"Whoa!" Young Skan yelled. "DUDE! I just understood what you said! And what I said too! Wait. That doesn't make sense, does it?"

"Happy now?" Megami asked Altra, ignoring Skan completely.

"I am." Karal put in, giving all the gryphons a slightly odd look.

"Good. Now that we're done with that, you two can leave." The goddess said, glaring at Treyvan and Hydona, who were huddled in the corner, hoping to be forgotten.

"Or they could stay...?" Old Skan put in hopefully.

"Um, let's see here no." Megami replied. "Bye bye."

"Are you sure we couldn't stay just a little longer?" Treyvan sniffed through his tears.

"Yup. Sorry," Megami informed him, not sounding sorry at all. With one last look at their hero's beautiful body, Treyvan and Hydona made their sorrowful way out of the room.

"Was that really necessary?" Middle Skan asked, eyeing the door as if he wanted to leave with the other two. "They could have provided... emotional support."

"You never did tell us why you were looking for us," Old Skan added, as Skan nodded in agreement.

"She wasn't." Karal told them dryly. "She's been saying that in every room she's gone into. You three just proved more entertaining than anyone else so far."

"Oh, good. I'm sooo grateful you think we're entertaining." Skan drawled.

"I never said that!" Megami protested.

_:You only complained about how boring everyone else was:_ Altra said dryly. Megami sniffed.

"Well, if you two would have taken me somewhere interesting in the first place, I wouldn't've had to." Karal looked pained.

"You!" Kero bellowed, stalking into the room.

"I have been dealing with people jumping out of trees, and hiding in the bathhouses, and trying to climb the palace walls, and who knows what else all day, and I bet anything that you are behind it! Now what do you have to say for yourself?" The three Skans all gave Megami interested looks.

"What?" Megami whined. "I made there pathetic existences a little more interesting. It made them happier! You can't yell at me for that!"

Kero stared at the goddess, then shook her head. "No, I suppose not, but I will tell you not to make anyone else's life 'more interesting'. And to fix what you've done already. Interesting weapon, by the way." she said, nodding at the spoon strapped onto Megami's back.

"It is, isn't it?" Megami replied cheerily. "It turns people into stuffed pandas."

"Why would you want to do something like that?" Skan demanded.

"It's fun! Would you like a demonstration? Yo! Altra! Get your fuzzy kitty butt over here!"

_:Ohh, no.:_ The Firecat said, backing away and hiding behind Karal. _:You're not getting me with that thing again. Do you remember how long it took to turn me back the last time:_

"Yes," Megami said, somehow managing an innocent look and an evil grin at the same time. "Is there a problem with that?" She abruptly lunged at Altra, and chased him around the room a few times before cornering him behind a chair.

_:Karaaaal:_ he moaned. _:Heeeeelp meeeeee:_

"Megami," Karal sighed. "I would really like you to not turn Altra into a stuffed panda."

"Are you sure?" Megami wanted to know.

"I think it would be fun," Middle Skan put in.

_:Thank you so much.:_ the Cat said, glaring at him.

"Well why not?" Old Skan wanted to know.

"I'm sorry, but I don't really want to find out if I can see through the eyes of a stuffed panda. Besides, having your eyes run around the room while you stand still is just weird." Karal responded.

_:Glad to know you care, Karal.:_ Altra sulked_. :And you can stop that snickering.:_

"Oh, fine." Megami sighed, lowering the spoon that had somehow appeared in her hand while she was chasing Altra. "You people are no fun at all."

"So sorry to disappoint you," Kero said dryly. "How did you happen to get such a... unique weapon?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I have a thing about that! Can I tell you? CanIcanIcanI?"

"Oookay," Karal said, giving her a weird look.

Megami got a slightly insane look on her face, then began. "Forged in the fiery deeps of Who-The-Hell-Knows-What-The-Damn-Place-Is-Called, its vengeful wrath leaves millions of aching heads and stuffed pandas in its wake, and all tremble when they hear its terrible scream."

"Whoa, whoa, where did you say it was forged?" Kero interjected.

Megami frowned. "It was forged in Who-The-Hell-Knows-What-The-Damn-Place-Is-Called," She told Kero. "Not to be confused with Whatever-The-Damn-Place-Is-Called, Who-Really-Cares-What-The-Damn-Place-Is-Called-Anyway, or Lets-Just-Burn-The-Damn-Place-To-The-Ground-And-Then-We-Won't-Have-To-Call-It-Anything. Those are all completely different. Now, as I was saying—"

"Who would give places names like that?" Skan protested.

"How the hell should I know?"

"Well you don't have to be so rude about it."

"No, that's the guy's name. How-The-Hell Should-I-Know."

"You people have the weirdest names," the middle Skan told me, shaking his head.

"No, not people," Megami informed him. "Gods. Goddesses. Sprites, imps, demons. A whole ton of other things. But not people. Never people."

"If you say so…" Middle Skan sounded skeptical.

"You know," Megami said thoughtfully. "It's really way too much trouble to go around calling you Old Skan, Middle Skan, and Young Skan."

"She has a point," Kero informed them. "It would be much simpler if you all had separate names."

"And that," Megami said triumphantly. "Is exactly my point! From now on, you" she pointed to Old Skan. "Will be known as Skan. You" she pointed at Middle Skan. "Are Dra, and you" she gestured at Young Skan. "Can be Non."

"What!" Non yelled, as Dra looked rather unsure and Skan nodded in satisfaction.

"Works for me." Skan said.

"NO!" Non yelled. "I refuse to be called by that stupid idea! It's horrendous! I hate it! I won't stand for it! I'll sue!"

"Who's Sue?" Dra asked curiously. "And what are you doing to her?"

"I'm not exactly sure," Non admitted. "But Megami said it, so it must make sense."

"That," Kero informed him, "Is the weirdest piece of logic I have ever heard. Since when does what Megami says make sense?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Megami demanded, then out of nowhere: "I'm really tired. Which is weird, because I only got up, like, three hours ago." And she disappeared off to bed.

--

THE END.

ROCKS FALL.

EVERYONE DIES.

Seriously though, don't be sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for the next update.


	6. In Which Megami Meets Sid and Tells And ...

**Chapter Five: In Which Megami Meets Sid and Tells an Extremely Interesting Story**

AN: In a fit of productivity, we somewhat proudly present the fifth chapter!

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

_:Megami? Megami:_

Someone's talking to me.

_:Megami:_

Meh.

_:MEGAMI:_

zzzz…

_:Damn you Megami! Wake up: _Growling, I sot out my arm and grabbed Altra roughly by the scruff of his neck, hauling him off my stomach.

"Why are you still talking?" I demanded blearily.

_:You have to got up:_ Altra yelled, flailing his paws around. _:Right now:_

"No." I muttered, dropping him on the floor and rolling over. Stupid cat.

…

…

_CHOMP!_

"Owwwwwwww! Bloody hell! What was that for?" I glared at Altra angrily, rubbing the spot on my arm where he had bitten me.

_:Get—:_

"Why! Why in the seven hells would you need me to get up at—" I checked my watch. "Six o'clock in the morning?"

_:Because some crazy man with a big sword is in Karal's room threatening to run him though if he doesn't make you appear! So you are going to get out of your bed and haul your ass in there and make him GO AWAY:_ Altra yelled in frustration.

"Oh. Okay. Why didn't you tell me that before?" I asked, swinging my legs over the side of my bed. Altra twitched.

_:GO: _he roared. I stuck out my tongue at him.

"Alright, alright! Don't get your knickers in a twist…"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAANGRYCATANGRYCATANGRYCATGETOUTOFMYWAY!" I ran out of the closet into a man with a rather large pointy thing, and fell over. "Oof!" I muttered, pushing at the man. "Gerroff! I can't —AUGGGH!" I found myself suddenly looking at the end of a sword.

"Silence, heathen deceiver!" the man bellowed, causing his sword to vibrate a little bit. I began to go cross-eyed from looking at it.

"Could you—" I started, but was interrupted again.

"Do not talk, evil demon! I, High Priest Ghee Antonio Lucien DeMero shall rid you of this earth!" he stated, waving the sword around in my face. "You shall—"

"Yeah, um, hi." I interrupted. "If you don't move your sword in about three seconds, I'm gonna toast it, okay?"

The man blinked at me, but quickly recovered. "Silence! Do not threaten me with your evil pagan tricks! You cannot fool me with your tricks! I, High Priest Ghee Antonio Lucien DeMero—"

"Oh, shut the fuck up." I said irritably. "I've never heard someone babble so much shit."

"You DARE to insult me?" the man bellowed, turning an interesting shade of red. "You shall regret the day you dared to…" I tuned the man out, and twitched my finger so his sword suddenly and inexplicably caught fire. This, I realized, was a very bad idea, seeing as I now had a large, pointy, FLAMING object in my face.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHH!" I yelled in panic. "PutitoutputitoutputitOOOOUT!" Meanwhile, ol' what'shisbutt was staring at his sword in stupefied surprise, and I couldn't help feeling satisfied.

_:May I remind you that you ARE A GODDESS:_ Altra yelled, tail twitching madly. _:You put out the fire:_

"Oh. Yeah." I blinked and waved my hand, and a small gray cloud appeared over the guy's head and began raining on him.

He glared at me.

"Thank you." Karal said weakly. "I think."

"What?" I demanded. "You got a problem with the way I saved you from certain death by crazyweirdguy?"

"No, I'm really quite grateful for that." He replied. "But now I have an angry, wet, and quote 'crazyweirdguy' in my room. Who is angry at me. And you. But probably more at you."

I glanced at the guy. He was still glaring at me. "And your point is...?"

"Maybe you should put him somewhere else now."

"Oh." I pointed the rather soggy person, who was now looking faintly purple. "Go away, would you?" I requested politely.

"I will not! Foul, heartless hellbeast who is the spawn of hell--"

"Right then." I looked back at Karal and Altra. "Do you think a dung heap somewhere would be a good place?" I asked them.

_:YES.:_

"Righty then." I waved lazily at the guy, who inexplicably was not whisked off to the dung heap.

Karal buried his face in his hands and groaned.

"THERE! You see! Proof that she is no more than a heathen fake trying to corrupt our souls!" the guy

yelled triumphantly at Karal.

"What the hoo-ha?" I demanded to no one in particular, and tried again. Irritatingly enough, things remained the same, except that now Karal's bed was a rather largish llama. Getting frustrated now, I began waving wildly, attempting to get rid of the stupid creep. Unfortunately, this resulted in Ghee, Karal, Altra, me, and a very confused armadillo sitting in an otherwise empty room. Everything else was now in various dung heaps.

"Um?" I said. Altra glared at me some more."I don't know what happened!" I wailed. "You think I'm doing this on purpose?

This was met with another glare. I promptly burst into tears.

Karal sighed. "Megami..."

There was a pathetic snivel from somewhere in my general area as a reply.

_:Oh stop that:_ Altra snapped. _:You know you could do this easily if you were actually trying:_

"I AM TRYING!"

_:It looks like you're sulking to me.:_ He sniffed.

"Memgr." I blubbered.

"I'm sure if you try just one more time it would work," Karal told me comfortingly

"Okay." I waved my hand.

Ghee promptly merged with the armadillo, and after rolling around the room a couple times, disappeared with a pop.

"Well, that certainly wasn't supposed to happen," I muttered before Ghee tried to run me through with his sword. Again. "Waugh!"

"Fiend! You DARE to insult me?" Ghee shouted as I repetedly dodged his rather clumsy attempts to kill me.

"Yeeaaah."

This seemed to confuse him, as he stopped trying to skewer me and gave me a rather blank look. "What?"

"I'm so happy you agree!"

"..."

"OKAY!" I grabbed Ghee by the shoulders and began to push him out the door. "Bye scary evil priest man!"

"Unhand me you heathen imposter!" Ghee protested.

"No!" And I slammed to door in his face.

"Right then." Karal commented.

"I got rid of him, didn't I? And I am so going back to bed now."

_:Why: _Altra demanded_. :You're already up, why not stay that way:_

But I didn't answer, because I was already asleep. On my feet. Then I fell over.

But of course I was asleep, so I didn't fully realize I was falling over until I hit my head on the floor. The rather hard floor.

"OWFUCKZZzzzzzzz..."

I yelled at it as I fell back to sleep.

_:You are utterly impossible.:_ Altra muttered, and LEVIATED ME WITH HIS MAGICAL POWERS BACK TO MY BED.

"Zzzzfubichzzz" I mumbled back at him.

_:Yeah, I love you too.:_ He responded sarcastically, and dumped me on top of my sheets. _:Idiot.:_

I conjured a teapot and dropped it on his head.

I woke up again at a much more reasonable hour of the afternoon, and stumbled tout of my room in search of coffee.

Karal and Altra weren't there, which didn't really bother me because they probably just would have ended up yelling at me anyway. They seemed to like doing that. Especially Altra.

"THEY CAN'T HOLD ME BACK!" I pointed triumphantly in the general direction of the horizon. "HA HA HA!"I marched in the direction I was pointing in just in case there was something interesting over there. Or coffee. Which there was none, but I certainly didn't let _that_ hold me back. I wondered briefly what it wasn't holding me back from, then decided it didn't really matter, and went in search of something interesting to do.

Out the door I went, into the wild blue yonder! It wasn't very blue, actually. In fact, it was kind of brown. But that was hardly important. Except that it wasn't interesting. I decided to find someplace bluer and see if that was interesting. I wandered around for a while. Again.

"Megami! Dew drop of my heart, I have found you!'

I recoiled in horror. "Whozzat?" I demanded.

yeah well.

"It is I, your loving Sid!"

"Sid who? I've never even met you before!"

I peered at the guy who had talked, just to make sure I hadn't seen him. I hadn't.

He fluttered his eyelashes at me in a disturbing manner.

"Ew! Go away. I'm busy!" I tried to find something to do to look busy.

I made a hammer out of nothing and began slamming it into a nearby wall. "See? See how busy I am?"

"My love is working! I must take this work from you so you do not soil your precious hands!"

I ran away.

"Wait! You forgot to leave me the hammer!" The guy called, running after me.

I hurled it at his head. Just when a servant-type person stepped out of nowhere and got hit by the hammer and knocked out!

"DAAAAAAAMMIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I wailed, and ran faster. There was no more comments from behind me, so I turned into the nearest door and stopped running. It was the bathroom. I walked through it and into the room on the other side of the opposite wall. Which was also a bathroom. The men's bathroom.

There was a guy in it who looked a lot like Ghee.

I turned around and walked out because Ew Fer Reals. I wondered where to go next. I decided to go find a companion. They would probably be outside, so I went through a bunch of random walls until I got there.

"HELLO HORSIES! " I waved frantically and made smoogling noises in their general direction. " 3 3 3!" They gave me withering glares and walked away. "No! Sadface! Come baaaaaaaaack!"

A little baby one came up to me and stepped on my foot, looking cute and abused.

I made a noise that sounded a lot like "ghek!"

The baby stuck its nose in my face. "You're not a very nice horse." It snorted at me. I poked it in the ear. It bit me. "Ow!" I smacked its nose. It kicked me across the clearing and into the fence.

Someone behind me snickered.

"Gnraar." I replied.

"What's your problem?" The someone asked.

"Nothing! Everything is fine! Except for the fact that those stupid horses don't like me."

"I don't see how that's possible!" the person told me sarcastically.

"Shuttup...you!"

"Or what, you'll turn me into a llama?"

"WHO ARE YOU!"

"Who do you think?"

"My mom?"

"No."

"Oh good."

"I am...a...old person." I turned around to look at them. It was definitely a person of the old-ish variety. It was also a guy.

"Hello." I said.

"Hello." He replied.

"What's your name, mister fister bo bister?"

"Al!"

"That's a nice name." The baby Companion chose this moment to come up behind me and shove its nose into my back. It was very wet. And large. I made a noise that sounded a great deal like "Ouchywawa!" Al snickered at me again.

"You're not a very nice old man." I informed him.

"I'm sorry." he apologized, not looking sorry at all. The companion kicked him in the leg. Al glared at it and it hid behind a tree.

"You're a scary old man!"

He cackled at me.

A goat flew through the air! It landed on Al's head, and I took this opportunity to run like hell. I sang a song while I ran. After running for a while I decided I should figure out where I was going.

"OH WHERE OH WERE CAN I BE GOING?" I sang to myself. Loudly.

"Away from here?" a random person suggested.

"God, there are too many random people in this castle. Palace. Thing. Whatever!"

"We're the ones who live here!" the random person replied.

"Hush you!" And I ran on.

Into a wall.

"Ow!" I kicked the wall, and then ran through it. Into a room. With four walls. And people. It appeared to be a classroom A few kids in grey stared at me, looking rather frightened.

"Hi. Um. I'm going to leave now." I ran out through the opposite wall. And out onto fields of green! I had just ran all the way through the palace and returned to the place where Sid was still hammering the wall! "…oh crap."

"Megami, my love!" Sid gushed at me.

"Um! Hi!" I started backing away slowly.

"Megami, my dearest jeweldrop, where are you going?"

"I'm going...this way!"

"Won't you stay with me?" He fluttered his eyelashes in an extremely disturbing manner.

"Um. Maybe?" I continued to back away. He started to run towards me.

"AHH!" I screamed at him, ducking and curling up in a ball.

"Let me comfort you, my sweetest sweet!"

"NO! I mean, um... sit down over there and I'll tell you a story?"

"Whatever you say, apple of my eye!"

"Okay. Good. Umm..." I pummeled my brain for something that would make him leave me alone.

"Okay, so there once was this fish." I began as he watched me raptly. "The fish went 'blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub."

FIVE HOURS LATER

"And then the fish went blub blub blub."

FIVE MORE HOURS LATER

"And then the fish ran into a rock! And then the fish went home and went 'blub blub blub! And the fish went to bed and went blub blub blub! And then the fish woke up and went 'blub blub blub! Except not really because he was dead so he went blub blub bluaaaaaeeeegh. Wasn't that a great story?" And then I realized I had killed Sid from sheer boredom. After cheering, I wondered if anyone would notice and want me to bring him back. Probably not, I decided. I wandered off in search of something more interesting.

It was then I realized that, HOLY CRAP--They had awesome clothes in this place! I could go get some and be all... GANGSTER! This called for a spontaneous dance! I quickly did this, then popped off into the city to find the nearest gangster cloths.

Instead, I arrived in a cornfield.

Frustrated, i tried again.

And landed in a rice field.

I flipped to a bunch of random points until I ended up in a city. "All right. Gangsta. Let's go." I wandered the streets until I found a shop with clothes in it. "AHA!" I said in triumph. Some guy gave me a strange look, and I bopped him on the head in greeting. "Do you know where I could buy some clothes?" I asked more or less politely.

He blinked at me. "Here." He told me, pointing at the clothes in the shop.

"Thanks--uh, I mean, fo'shizzle, man."

--

Karal looked around suspiciously. Megami had been absent for far too long now, and the palace was deceptively quiet. Any moment now, he was sure, he was going to hear that everyone in Haven had been turned into rutabagas, or that all the trees had suddenly begun to square dance.

_:Karal:_ Altra asked. _:Are you all right? You seem worried.:_

"I'm fine." He hastily assured the Cat. "It's just that I haven't seen Megami all day…"

_:I think she went shopping down in the marketplace.:_

"And this doesn't worry you!" Karal exclaimed.

Altra blinked serenely_. :No. You just worry too much. I'm sure Haven will survive.:_

Karal sighed. "You're probably right. I mean, she always brings the people she kills back to life…" He decided not to worry about it.

--

"Yo yo yo! Megami in da house — er, palace! Thing!" Megami's voice echoed through the palace loudly, alerting Karal from his seat in the library. Hurriedly, he put down his book. "Wachoo lookin' at, bitch? 'Choo got a problem with me!"

Sensing trouble, Karal rushed off to find Megami, and had the luck of running smack dab into her.

"Heeeeeeeeeeey! Karal, my home dog! Waz up, g?" Megami turned and cheerfully slapped him on the back.

"Oh…fine." He stumbled a bit, but stood back up. "What was all the yelling about?"

"Dat bitch over there wuz starin' at me." Megami glowered at a small, dark haired servant girl, who shrank up against the wall. "Choo know I don't like no people starin' at me. Messes up my groove, and I ain't down wit dat."

Karal nodded in an understanding way, since he had no idea what she just said. Altra stared at her in disgust.

"Wachoo—" Megami started, glaring at the cat.

"Bless you." Karal said automatically.

Megami turned to glare at him. "Wachoo—"

"Bless you." He said again, causing Megami to twitch a bit.

"Hey!" she said indignantly. "Wachoo think you're doin', foo?

"Foo?" he asked, a little bit confused.

"FOOOOOO. F-O-O. FOO." Megami stated exasperatedly.

"Sure." Karal agreed, having absolutely no idea what she was talking about whatsoever. "Foo. Right."

Megami seemed satisfied with this, because she turned her attention back to Altra and began to rant at him.

"Now, I dunno what your problem is, foo, but I dun like it when peoples are starin' at me. So 'choo can just knock that smirk offa ya face, or I'll knock it off for ya. 'Choo understand me?"

Altra blinked at her serenely.

"I saaaid, 'choo understand me?" Megami began to turn an interesting shade of red. "Yo! 'Choo understand what is comin' outta my mouth, boy! 'Choo better knock that off! KNOCK IT OFF, Y'HEAR!"

Altra calmly began to wash himself.

"HEY!" Megami yelled at him. "'Choo even LISTENIN' to me? 'Choo'd betta listen, boy, or I'll wipe your smirky little face on the FLOOR!"

"Um?" said Karal. Then, for an apparent lack of anything better to do, he said it again. "Um?"

"And wha'd'you want, bitch?" Megami demanded, glaring at him

"I hardly think I qualify as a 'bitch'."

"Whachoo talkin' 'bout? Why not?"

"Because I happen to be a male. In case you haven't noticed."

"Sooooooo?"

"Geh!"

"Dat's Whut I THOUGHT!"

"Altra?" Karal said rather desperately.

_:I rather think she's beyond help:_ the Cat replied, cocking his head at the goddess.

"Shall we run, then?"

_:That may be a good idea.:_

They ran like little girls.

"Hey! Where d'you think yur goin', foo?" Megami shouted after them.

Karal yelled something that sounded like "MARGLE BLARGLE" and ran faster.

"FINE!" He heard Megami yell from somewhere behind him. "I'll just stay here and get down wit my bad self!"

And so she did.

But thankfully, Karal had escaped and was not present to see the horror.

--

Karal ran into the kitchen and collided with the wall. "Urgh!" He told it.

The wall maintained a regal silence. Karal frowned at it, wondering why Altra wasn't seeing it.

And why Altra was instead seeing a large purple bear.

And, for that matter, just where Altra was.

This, he decided, was a Very Big Problem. Unfortunately, not being able to see, he didn't know just what he could do about it. Or rather, not being able to see anything but a large purple bear.

"Altra?" He tried. There was no response. "Ngurk." He said, which meant Well, crap. But Karal was too polite to say something like that, and had to settle for making funny noises instead. He decided to follow the wall he had run into, just in case it led to Altra. Or to someone who knew where Altra was.

And then he ran into the stove.

Which happened to be rather hot.

"WAUGH!" Karal yelled, and fell over. He lay on the floor for a few minutes, and then decided he should get up. But he didn't know exactly where the stove was anymore. This was another problem. Maybe, he thought, I should just stay here until someone finds me. He wondered how long that would take. Probably forever. He got up. And ran into the stove again. "Ow!"

He yelled at it, backing up so he wouldn't fall over again and ran into a person.

"Oof!" Said the person.

"Waugh!" said Karal. Again.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so very sorry!"

"Who are you?" Karal asked politely.

"I am...your mom!"

"Megami?"

"...dammit."

"I'm sorry."

"I swear to god, you must be psychic or something."

"Just a lucky guess. Where's Altra?"

"Heh heh heh he--uh. I mean...I have no idea!"

"HE'S BEING DEVOURED BY PURPLE TEDDY BEARS AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY!"

"He is not being eaten, he's just being bu...uh..."

"Well he LOOKS like he's being eaten!"

"Hey, why don't we go...uh, ride some horses!"

"Not without Altra!"

There was several seconds of silence.

"Is he really necessary?"

"If I want to see anything, yes. And I do. Want to see things, I mean."

"I could show you?" Megami asked hopefully.

"No."

There was more silence.

"Megami, you are being absolutely ridiculous. Please return Altra right now."

"But what if he doesn't want to be returned?"

Karal somehow managed to pull off a pointed look in Megami's direction.

"Fiiiiiiiine."

And poof! Karal could no longer see Altra not being devoured by purple teddy bears!

Instead, he was looking at Megami's large, purple boot clad feet. And shortly after that, at Megami's blood spattered arm, which was currently clamped in Altra's teeth and waving around wildly trying with absolutely no success to dislodge him.

_:YARGLEBLARGEKILLYOU:_

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHIDIDN'TMEANITLEMMEGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And then the people walked in.

They were holding large pointy objects. They were tall, and on fire. They pointed their pointy objects at Altra, and beeped at him a few times. Altra hissed. The people beeped more, then attempted to pull him off of Megami.

_:CHEATER! CHEATING CHEATING CHEATER MCCHEATALOT:_

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOw!" was Megami's

"Megami! Altra! Stop this at once!" Karal said sharply.

The people winked out of existence, and Altra dropped onto the floor and began washing himself vigorously.

"Oh, come on! I don't taste that bad."

_:Hmph.:_

"Pooface." Altra snarled at her.

"Stop that!"

"Awww, do we have to?"

"Yes."

_:She started it.:_

"Well, that was real mature."

_:Yes and YOU'RE one to talk about mature:_

"So?"

_:So...there:_

"Haha, I totally win."

Altra grumbled about this for a few seconds, then calmly stuck a claw into Megami's boot. "OWOWHOLYCRAP!" She kicked him across the room.

"Stop that! Both of you!" Said Karal sharply.

They stared at him as if he had just popped out of nowhere.

"I mean it."

More stares.

"..." Said Karal, picked up Altra, and walked out calmly.

_:Hey now! what are you doing that for? I would have won:_

"Of course you would have."

_:What was that supposed to mean? I don't like it when you take that tone with me young man:_

"Sorry, sorry. Let's go find Natoli now, please."

_:Fine. Have it your way.:_

They sallied forth into the afternoon.

They searched high and low for Natoli and finally found her doing some weird math thing in her room.

"Hi." said Natoli.

"Hey," Karal responded.

"Yo!" said Megami cheerfully. "What's all this, then?"

_:GAH:_ Altra shouted. _:What is _SHE_ doing here:_

"I don't know."

"Why are you here, Megami?" Natoli asked, peering suspiciously at her.

"Hm. That's a good question." She looked thoughtful. "No idea."

Karal smacked himself in the head repeatedly. "Augh!"

"Why are you doing that?" Megami asked curiously. "Ngnggr." He replied.

"Awwww, Karal-poo is sad!" Megami ran up and gave him a hugely wet and sloppy kiss, but he turned his head at the last second and it landed on his ear. "Eugh!" said Megami. "Gross!"

_:HAH:_ Altra put in. Natoli tried to look disapproving and failed utterly.

Megami gave her a very hurt look, then morphed the wall into a large cushion and sat on it. And then, in a burst of light and sound, Sid appeared in the window.

With a lute.

Wearing a codpiece.

Megami screamed.

"?" Said Karal, who was still recovering from his near-death experience.

"I &#!()&# KILLED HIM!"

"Wow." said Natoli. No one was really sure as to what she was referring to.

"Did my love miss me?" Sid asked from the window.

"NO!"

"Megami?" Karal asked weakly. "Exactly who is he?" "SOMEGUYWHOISSTALKINGMEANDHE'SREALLYCREEPYANDMAKEHIMGOAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Was the answer.

"...Oh."

_:Heh heh heh--uh, I mean...that's not funny at all.:_

Megami jumped at the Cat and would have started pounding him into the floor had Natoli not scooped him up and deposited him out of Megami's reach. Meanwhile, in the background, Sid strummed his lute thoughtfully and began to hum. Karal was beginning to feel rather alarmed by all of this. He briefly wondered if he had any chance of returning the situation to normalcy, but decided that with Megami involved, the very idea was laughable.

"This is a little ditty called--" Sid paused dramatically. "Megami is the Bomby."

Megami started moaning in agony, Altra glared at her and hissed, and Natoli sighed and gave up on her weird math thing. Karal wondered exactly what she was planning, but assumed she had something in mind that would make Sid, if not Megami, go away because Natoli was just simply That Amazing. Taking great care so Karal wouldn't trip over his own feet, she walked over to Sid, who was just beginning the chorus of his so-called song. "Hey." She said conversationally, and pushed him out the window. She then proceeded to shut the window before shoving several large heavy objects in front of it.

"Oh my god, you're awesome." said Megami reverently from the corner.

"...Thanks..." Natoli replied, looking unsure about whether she really wanted to hear that from Megami.

Which she probably didn't, but that was beyond the point.

Karal turned to the next problem: Megami.

"...why are you looking at me like that?"

"Don't you have anywhere better to be? We're not very interesting..."

Megami looked thoughtful. "This is true."

And then the world turned upside down.

Literally.

Karal made a vague panicky noise and tried to see if Natoli was okay, which was mildly difficult at the time. Natoli was nowhere in sight. Neither was anything, for that matter. Karal attempted to yell in terror but it came out as "Swankified, baby!" instead. _Improbability factor of four billion, six hundred twenty-nine million, seven thousand, two hundred eighty-one._ He heard a quiet voice say, just before he fell from nothing into a pile of stuffed pandas.

--


	7. In Which Megami Multiplies

**Chapter Six: In Which Megami Multiplies**

AN: Holy schmoley, a chapter? Is the world ending?

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Thump.

Crash.

Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump.

"God DAMN!"

Thump.

"Shit."

"Megami? Are you all right?" Karal called from his room, sounding worried.

"Yeah." I called back. Or at least, that's what I tried to say. It came out as more of 'Ymgh' because half of my face was smushed against the floor. The very cold floor, I might add. I guess I didn't sound so very convincing, because my door opened and Karal -- plus Altra -- padded in.

"Are you sure?" he asked. Then: "Oh. My."

To give you a description of what he saw: I was sprawled halfway on the floor, half of my face resting on the cold granite. The other half of my body was still on my bed, twisted in such a way that my knees were facing the ceiling. My covers had somehow managed to wrap themselves up in this mess so that most of them were on the floor with me.

"Hi." I mumbled, blinking a bit stupidly. I'm not a morning person. So sue me.

_:Do I want to know what happened:_ Altra asked.

"Well, basically someone turned my alarm on-" I gestured vaguely at the clock, "So when it went off I nearly jumped outta my skin, and hit my head on the canopy. Soo, then I tried to pick up the alarm clock to turn it off, 'cept I forgot I had moved the table with it a few more feet away, so I fell off my bed. Then I managed to drag myself far enough to grab onto the table, but I was too heavy so I tipped it over. My lamp fell over an' broke, my crap fell off my table and onto me and THEN the frickin' alarm clock decided to fall on my head."

"Oh. I... see." Karal looked disgustingly awake and cheerful for this unholy hour of the morning.

"Have I ever mentioned that I hate mornings?" I mumbled, getting up. "Because I really, really hate mornings."

_:Yes, I do believe so.:_ responded Altra, in a way that made me want to smack him.

"Go jump off a cliff." I retorted sharply. "You too, Karal."

"Me? Why?"

"Because you're too damn awake for this time of the morning. And if you don't want to get turned into a frog or something, I suggest you leave."

_:Well excuse us, miss cheerful.:_ Altra said sarcastically as they walked out. Oh mortals that cat gets on my nerves sometimes. But what the hey. I called myself some coffee, gulped it down, and called some more. About fifteen or sixteen cups later I was sufficiently awake—and wired. I bounced into Karal's room cheerfully.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOORNIIIING!" I shouted, running around the small table in the middle of the room

CRASH!

THUMP!

Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle...

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!" I whooped, bouncing around energetically in a circle.

"Megami?" Karal poked his head out of his new closet, Altra's eyes peering out from below.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeees? Whachawant?" I sang while attempting to do flips and utterly failing.

"Are you... sure you're all right?"

"Yeesiree, I'm fiiiiiiiiineanddandy!"

CRASH!

"Ow! Whydyaask?" He hesitated.

"You seem a bit more... lively then usual."

"Me? Noooooooooooo, I'mjustspifferiffic! AbsolutelygreatandHAPPY!" I said, hanging upside down from the lamp on the ceiling.

Whump.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" I yelled happily, waving my arms and legs around, "Thatwuzfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!"

"Megami?" asked Karal hoarsely, "Could you please... GET OFF ME?"

"Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure." I slurred drunkenly, and then, deciding I liked that word, did it again. "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE!" I giggled insanely. Karal poked me in the side. I giggled hysterically for a while, rolling around on the floor. I stopped, decided it was fun, and did it again. This continued for another candlemark or so. Somehow, Karal had managed to wiggle out from underneath me and was currently huddled in a corner, whilst I was lying on the floor slurring random things and giggling. I sat up.

"Gimme!" I yelled. "I! NeedaDONUT!" happy with this, I repeated it few times. "DODODODONUT!" I started waving my arms making every kind of donut appear so I could choose.

_:WHAT ARE YOU DOING:_ yelled Altra, buried under a three foot layer of donuts. I dived into the pastries, pulled him out, and promptly shoved a cream filled long john in his face.

"Donut!" I exclaimed happily, waving it tantalizingly in front of his face. "NUMMY! EAT!" Altra paled visibly, which looked very interesting, considering he was a cat at the time.

_:Ah, no. I'm not really hun—:_

"Eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat ittttttt..." I replied, shoving the donut up his nose.

_:Nonono. Noooooooo donuts for the kitty.:_ Altra pleaded.

"Eeaat!" I gurgled happily. "Eat! Eatiteatiteatit!" Altra muttered something incomprehensible about coffee and me, which made me drop the long john immediately.

"COFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I squealed, squeezing him tightly. "GIVEMECOFFEE!"

:_I don't have any:_ Altra wailed pathetically. However, this did not convince me whatsoever that Altra had coffee and was hiding it from me.

"GIVEIT!" I shouted, turning the cat upside down and shaking him enthusiastically. "GIVEITYOUEVILCOFFEESTEALINGFIEND!"

_:Kaaaaaaraaaaaaaaaaaaal:_ Altra moaned helplessly. _:heeeeeeeeeeeeeleeeeeep meeeeeeeeeeeee:_ I continued shaking, trying to get at the coffee I knew was hidden somewhere in his fur. Maybe if he didn't have fur anymore... I waved my hand, and Altra's fur disappeared. This made Karal emit a strangled squawk and Altra moan piteously.

"Hey!" feeling slightly cheated, I glared at Altra. "WHERE. IS. THE. COFFEE?" I said, punctuating each word with a rough shake. Suddenly, I had an idea. "Niiiiiiiice kiiiiiity," I crooned, a crazed gleam in my eye, slowly creeping the hand that wasn't holding Altra closer and closer to his rumpus, " Niiiiiiiice, niiiiiiiiiiiiice kiiiiiiiiiiitieeeeeeee..."

_:NONONONONONONONO:_ Altra yelled. _:NO TOUCHÉ THE CAT'S BEHIND:_

"Megami." Karal stated in a flat voice. "Please tell me that you're not trying to pull coffee out of Altra's butt." I thought for a moment.

"Nope!" I said happily. "I'm trying to pull it outta his ASS! ASSASSASSAAAAASS!" At this point, Altra wiggled furiously, managed to get away from me, and hid behind Karal. I was advancing menacingly on the two of them when someone knocked.

"Karal? Are you in there? It's Natoli, I - OH MY DEAR LORD!"

"Do yoouuu have my coffeeee?" I asked, slightly insanely. "Giiiive me the coooooffeee! GIMMENOW!"

_:RAKMAKSADBI:_

TWOCK!

Temporarily distracted, I had forgotten about Altra's jumping powers.

In a desperate attempt to save his life, he had managed to Fetch a large rock, and infuse it with a paralysis spell. Then he dropped it on my head. It hurt. A really, really lot. I decided to fall over.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" I screamed as I fell on the table I had knocked over earlier. Unfortunately, the paralysis spell decided to kick in right then, so I was frozen in a splatted position on top of the table.

_:Comfy:_ Altra asked smugly.

_:The edge of the table is digging into my boob and it hurts.:_ had also frozen my vocal chords.

_:EW! EWEWEWEWEWWWWWWW! I so did not need to know that:_ Altra yelled in disgust. _:Keep those kind of things to your self:_

_:You asked.:_ I pointed out.

_:Shut up.:_

_:I'm full of donut.:_ I remarked randomly, right before a troop of Heralds -- lead by Natoli -- came rushing into the room. They surrounded me, glaring at the donuts, me, and everything else in the room.

_:I suppose this means I can't have any more coffee.:_ I thought plaintively. The Heralds glared some more. Damn.

--

Elden came in, frowning. "Bad news. Kerowyn has the flu and won't be able to teach weapons training today."

"What about Alberich?" Talia asked.

"He's out with the Skans, briefing them on how to get around without attracting attention."

"Hmm… That is a problem. Who can we get to do it on such short notice?"

"I'll do it!" I jumped up eagerly, waving my hand back and forth. I would do anything I was so bored.

"What about Skif?" Talia asked. "He could do it; I'm pretty sure he's free."

"I'm free!"

Elden raised an eloquent eyebrow. "Do you remember the 'Genghis Khan' incident? Alberich would kill us slowly and painfully, with blunt objects." Talia winced.

"Guess not. Owen?"

"I can do it!"

"He's out on patrol."

"Jeri?"

"She's visiting her folks down in Rethwellan."

"I'm not visiting anyone! Well, except for you people, but that doesn't count!"

Talia sighed, shaking her head. "We'll have to call off the class then. I really wish we could find someone to do it, because missing weapons training is something we can't really afford."

"Me! Me! Pick Me!"

"I know, but there isn't anything we can really do. I'll go tell everyone."

"HELLOOOOO! ARE YOU PEOPLE DEAF! I CAN TEACH THE FRICKIN'CLASS, OKAY?" I glared at the Heralds, trying my best to emulate mother's Glare of Doom.

"Well Megami, why didn't you say so?" Talia said reproachfully. "It would have saved us a lot of trouble."

I resisted the urge to strangle both of them, but only by the barest of fractions.

--

"Um. Hi. I'm Megami, teenage goddess, and I'll be subbing for Kerowyn today. Any questions?"

A bunch of Herald trainees stared slack-jawed at me, looking like total idiots and I sniggered mentally. This was definitely going to be more fun then I thought it would be. This could even be…entertaining! All of mother's lessons had finally paid off.

Well, time to get down to business. "You." I pointed to a boy on the left, and he squeaked. "And you." I pointed to another boy next to him, who turned a lovely shade of green. "You two are going to spar against each other and, um…stuff. Stand on your heads until you can't feel your toes, and then run around barking like a cow."

"W-w-why?" One of them stuttered out, and then promptly tried to hide himself behind a girl in front of him.

"Because it'll get the astatically soviets in your brain pumping. Now GO!" Inwardly, I cackled. I didn't really think that they would do it, but hey, if they were I sure wasn't going to stop them.

After a bit of watching them make fools of themselves, I decided it was probably time to actually time to get started. I walked over to a wall with weapons hanging all over, trying to pick one to use. As I scanned across the wall I spotted two long thin poles; perfect for what I was going to do. I lifted one off, and attempted to do the same to the other.

Attempted.

The pole felt like it was stuck to the wall, and I tried in vain to pull it off.

"Stupidfrickin'peiceofshit—" I muttered under my breath, and tugged harder. Finally, I gave one big pull—And it broke it half.

I stared at the two pieces in my hands, trying frantically to think of something to do. I could always use a bit of magic and seal it back together, but then mother would know where I was, so that was out. What to do, what to do…?

"Miss Goddess-person-thing, are we going to start soon? Hamlin and Teri are going hoarse…"

"Uhhh…yeah, I'm coming!" I'll just have to play it cool, that's all… I thought. I walked over to where the trainees were standing and faced the two boys I had chosen. An: Megami? A Companion? I can see it now. 'Hi. I've chosen you now, so you're a Herald, which means you get to go and try to kill yourself repeatedly. Oh, yeah, and you get me, the big white horse who can't be disguised in any way, so evil people can always recognize you wherever you go. Any questions?' "Here." I tossed the unbroken pole to one of them, and handed the two pieces of the broken one to the other. "Now, um, try to whack each other with your sticky-things."

They stared at me.

"Did you hear me! Attack!"

The one with the whole stick gingerly took a swing at the other's knees.

"Nagh!" The boy cowered!

"No, no! You're supposed to attack him! Maim kill die and all that!"

He abruptly burst into tears.

"GAAAH!" I screamed in frustration.

Which only succeeded in making him cry harder.

I looked at the other trainee type people to see what they thought about all this.

They gave me looks of complete and utter loathing, much as if I had just killed a puppy right in front of them. "What?" I asked.

Someone in the back of the group muttered something about ear mites.

"That's what I thought."

They glared at me some more.

"ATTAAAAAAAACK!"

They attacked. Me.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I proclaimed loudly, and ran away like a little girl.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR" They screamed, chasing me.

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, YOU KNOW!"

They didn't seem to have any newfound appreciation.

Which was unfortunate.

Because they now started throwing things at me.

"DIE!"

"YAH!"

"RRRGGG!"

"OW!"

I fell over.

Onto something pointy.

"Glrk!" I commented in surprise.

"GRRR!" the trainees responded.

And then Skan appeared. "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" He screeched.

The trainees looked unsure of what they were supposed to do now. Skan made a threatening eating type of motion in their general direction, and they looked like they were very seriously considering running away.

Then Dra and Non came swooping down out of the sky in a blaze of glory! Or at least a blaze of something. I wasn't quite sure if it was glory or just the sun reflecting off of their egos.

_:Back off.:_

"Yeah!" I emphasized my agreement with Dra by shaking my very fearsome fist at the trainees. They scattered like a flock of sheep.

"HAH!" I yelled after them. "Yeah! That's what you get when you mess with ME!"

The three gryphons turned their attention on me, glaring all the while. Not that it was really possible for them to not glare, but that was beyond the point.

"Hi!" I said brightly.

_:SEND. US. BACK.:_ said Dra.

"Oh."

_:Yes, oh.:_ he replied sarcastically.

"Are you sure you want to go now?" I asked hopefully.

_:YES.:_

"Why?"

_:Because I miss Zhaneel:_

_:And Amberdrake:_

_:And my kids:_

"She can wait, can't she? They?"

_:Wait, we have kids:_

_:Yes, we have kids! What else would we have:_

_:I - I can't think of anything to say to that.:_

I began to creep away slowly, hoping they wouldn't notice.

_:HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.:_

"YA!"

Suddenly I had three large gryphons sqooshing me into the ground. Which was not a pretty thing. I tried to say something and ingested about a pound of dirt. _:YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH:_ I screamed in Mindspeech instead.

_:Shut up! Take us home:_

_:I CAN'T YOU IDIOTS:_

_:Why not:_

_:I...don't know how:_

_:I don't:_

The Skans stared at me in a way that suggested they were seriously considering ripping my head off

_:Whyyyyyyy does everyone haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate me:_ I moaned to myself.

More staring. Six pairs of extremely sharp talons dug into my back.

_:Oooooooooww...:_ I commented.

_:Figure it out, then.:_

_:I CAN'T when you're SITTING ON ME:_

They got off.

I got up.

Glare, glare, glare went the Skans.

"Look, I tried this before, and all you got was noodles." I told them reasonably.

_:And why was that, exactly:_

"Because it didn't work!"

_:Make it work:_

"I tried that! You got talking food!"

Non made a noise of impatience. _:It's not our fault you can't focus properly:_

"I focus just fine!"

_:Are you even hearing yourself? I don't think talking food and noodles qualify as "just fine".:_

"...SO?"

_:You're impossible.:_

I beamed at them. "Thanks!"

Skan placed a not so friendly claw on my shoulder and squeezed._ :You're welcome.: _His beak was uncomfortably close to my face.

"I'll just go work on getting you back, shall I? In my room..."

_:I don't think so.:_

"Shit."

_:You could at least try, you know:_

"FINE!" I waved my hand in a "go home" sort of way.

POP!

"Uh." I said. "Um, well...it's sorta like home if you think about it."

They glared.

_:It's a crater and it's not even in the right year:_

"Yes, but it's the right_ place_. That's better than I was doing before!"

Glare, glare, glare said the Skans, which I properly translated as 'yes, but you're an idiot.'

"Well what do you want _me_ to do about it?"

_:Something! Anything:_

"FINE!" I waved again, and the entire Valdemaran court appeared in front of us. Non made a muffled screaming noise and went for the jugular. I ducked, which resulted in him landing squarely on my back instead of my neck.

Let's review this. Point a: One large male gryphon. Point b: My back. Point c: LARGE HEAVY MALE GRYPHON TRYING TO KILL ME. Needless to say, it was far from comfortable.

I screamed. Loudly.

Several people in the crowd cheered and one burst into tears of joy. I would have glared at them, but I was too busy screaming in pain.

"AUUUUUUUUUUGH!" I added for emphasis.

The cheering people began to look a bit unsure.

"I cannot believe this," said Karal.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" I screamed in agreement

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Non agreed.

"NON!" Karal said sharply. "Get off! You're not doing anyone any good by killing her. As much as we all might appreciate it."

_:Hmmphgh.:_

"If you get off she might be more inclined to send you home."

Non did not dignify this with a response, but got off anyway.

"Gee, thanks Karal. Thanks a lot." I commented as I brushed myself off. "Oh, and by the way, Non?" I pointed at him, causing him to turn into a platypus.

Non made a platypus type noise of anger, which somehow managed to promised painful revenge. Soon.

I patted him on the head.

He bit me. This seemed to happen a lot.

I yelled again, and Altra snickered at me.

This also seemed to happen a lot. I took a moment to briefly ponder why my life sucked so bad. I came to the conclusion that it was all the Skans' fault(s?), and decided to make their lives suck just as much as mine.

"SUFFER, MISERABLE WRETCHES!" I cackled more or less randomly in the abyss and did some sort of complicated magic type thing.

I felt little pieces of my personality separate from the rest of me and form their own bodies, and grinned. The complication level guaranteed that there would be at least thirty Megamis by the time I was done. That would show the bastards.

--

Karal felt vaguely nauseous. Not that this was particularly new or exciting, but he felt it deserved some attention nonetheless.

There were now seven Megamis standing around glaring at people, and more were still separating. And three others had run off, one screaming, one sticking her tongue out, and the third covering her bright red face with her hands.

"What just happened?" He asked Altra.

Altra made a sound of disgust. _:You know how the Goddess has four aspects? Well Megami is splitting into hers.:_

"...oh goodness gracious no."

_:Yup. Only she's never done it before so no one knows how many she has or what they are.:_

"..." Said Karal in abstract horror.

"EEEHEEEHEEEHEEE!" Shrieked the latest Megami, running up to Karal and giving him a hug.

"Aljdf!" Karal was not sure if humans were meant to make noises like that but it seemed appropriate at the moment.

"AWWWW!" The Megami squealed. "IT TALKS! You're just like a puppy!"

"I... am?" Karal asked, trying to find a way to escape. The sort-of-Megami squished him tightly in response.

Altra squinted at her_. :What_ are _you:_

"KITTY!" She exclaimed happily. He hissed. She hugged him anyway.

While Karal had been hoping she would release him, this, he felt was not an improvement. He felt rather pathetic. Which was only marginally better than feeling squished.

"Glrk." He commented sadly.

"Awwww, is little puppy person sad?" The Megami Aspect squealed. "It must need another HUG!"

In a fit of desperation, Altra dug his claws into her shoulders and bit her on the face.

"OWIE!" She yelled. "BAD kitty!"

It was then that Natoli, lovely, intelligent, Megami-defeating Natoli appeared.

"What is that Megamithing doing?" She asked interestedly.

"AGUH." Said Karal.

"Ah." Natoli said as if this explained everything. "LOOK! A PUPPY!"

The Megami whipped her head around in excitement. "PUPPY!" She exclaimed happily and ran off in the other direction. Altra shook himself and looked at Natoli in undying gratitude.

"Thank you." Said Karal.

"No problem. Did you notice she stopped dividing?"

"No. Is that good or bad?"

"I really don't know. One of them is trying to shoot Skan and Dra, and ten of the others are watching and cheering her on."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" A Megami popped out of nowhere!

"GAAH!" Karal yelled.

"ATTACK'D TO THE FAAAAAAAAAACE!" She proclaimed and ran off cackling.

"What was that, The Insane?"

_:Probably.:_ said Altra. _:But with Megami, who can tell:_

Karal felt a strong urge to slump to the ground and cry for a while.

"Poor Karal." said Natoli soothingly, and gave him a hug.

"So what are we supposed to do about all of this?" He gestured at the scene around them, where one Megami was doing cartwheels while another advanced threateningly on a group of courtiers and a third chased pigeons being tossed into the air by a fourth. Karal only hoped that the pigeons had not recently been human.

Natoli looked considering. "Maybe we should find the real Megami." She suggested, remaining calm even as something pointy went hurtling past her ear.

_:She'd probably be watching the Archer Megami try to kill the two Skans. She seemed upset with them for some reason...:_ Altra put in.

Off they went into the wild, Megami infested, blue yonder!

By following the sound of indignant squawks, they were able to find the group currently being entertained by Skan and Dra.

"Skan?"

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Skan moaned, flapping past them with a Megami close behind.

She looked particularly bent on destruction. Even more so than usual, which was slightly worrisome.

"Um, Megami?" Karal inquired. "Could you maybe not kill anyone please?"

"PHWROAR!" She said and danced a tribal dance of doom. And death. And other scary things that begin with 'D' like destruction and dirt and so on.

Karal took a step back, then realized that this would probably not accomplish anything, and stepped forward firmly.

"Er." He said. "Stop that, or I'm never going to...give you coffee again?" Karal decided that this statement was probably not firm enough to go with the previous step of firmness and revised it immediately. "Yes. Yes, I will definitely never give you coffee again."

The Megami stopped her tribal dance and stuck her nose in Karal's face. "CROOOOOOOFSHMICK!"

"Er." said Karal uncertainly.

Non squawked in the distance, and the Megami made several guttural noises and ran off towards the noise.

There was a pause.

"Well," said Natoli, "that certainly did not go as well as I hoped it would."

_:Gee, you think: _Altra asked her politely.

Natoli gave him the most withering glare that ever existed, somehow managing to imply that if he did not become helpful in the next thirty seconds he would probably die. Painfully. With a blunt instrument.

_:But maybe the real Megami is over there somewhere:_ Altra continued brightly, starting off towards a group of screaming people and narrowly avoiding being squished by one of the large rocks that had stared hurling themselves through the air.

"Better." Natoli muttered, grabbed Karal, and stalked off after him.

Off they stalked! Through trials and tribulations and triplets of terrible Megamis!

Natoli ground her teeth together. It was perhaps the most frightening noise Karal had ever heard, and made several of the Megamis nearby stop what they were doing and cower in fear. _That will probably be useful later, _he thought hysterically, and then: _Oh god I've lost my mind._

"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!" Natoli yelled, making every Megami within hearing distance cower even more, except the one who was currently threatening a particularly obnoxious courtier with a large dull knife. "Now. Whichever of you is the real Megami or can help me find her, get your sorry little butt over hear right now," Natoli continued in a pleasant tone. It was the sort of tone that implied death was coming to those who weren't listening.

A Megami came forward timidly. "I'm supposed to be the Helpful one..." She said uncertainly.

"Good." snapped Natoli.

"...But I don't know where Megami would be."

"And why, exactly, is that?"

"Because I'm not the Smart one. And the Smart one probably wouldn't help you because when we're all in one body she doesn't get used much."

"Just...get her. Please."

The Helper gulped nervously and ran off in the direction of a small group of cowering Megamis.

Natoli made a noise that sounded remarkably like 'fnanrrufhrhgag'. Karal, for a lack of anything more comforting to do, held her hand. She didn't seem to mind. A few long minutes later, The Helper returned, another Megami in tow. What was presumably the Smart Megami was looking at them with a strange expression.

"What?" Natoli demanded. "You got a problem?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just not used to being...well, talked too. It's unusual."

"If you help us find the real Megami we'll talk to you more!" Karal told her hopefully.

The Smart Megami began to tear up. "R-really? You mean it?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"I'LL DO IT!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaay!" Natoli cheered, at which the cowering Megamis evidently decided it was safe to stop cowering and began to make up for lost time.

Smart Megami made a sniffling noise and pulled herself together. "What can I do to help?"

_:Tell us where Megami would be:_

"Well. Huh." She suddenly pulled out a chalkboard seemingly from mid air and began to scribble rapidly. "Factoring in the time of separation..." She trailed into incomprehensible mutterings for a while, and then looked up. "I've got it!"

"Yes?" Prompted Natoli encouragingly.

"The Real Megami, does not, in fact, exist anymore."

Silence.

It extended.

For a very long time.

"What?"

"She doesn't exist?" the Smart One was looking a bit frightened.

"Could you explain a little more, please?" Natoli asked.

"When she split into us, the aspects, each portion of the Megami personality was made into a separate person, leaving none of the root Megami left."

"Ah." said Karal. He could feel a headache coming on. "And how can we make her, um...together again?"

"Well. Um..." The Smart One looked rather embarrassed. "I'm not sure you can."

"What." said Natoli. It was not a question.

"It would require the absolute cooperation of all the Aspects, most of whom are, by nature, uncooperative."

_:That much is true.:_

Natoli glared at the Firecat. "You could try saying something useful once in a while you know."

He considered this gravely. _:Shakalabbits.:_

"I fail to see how this helps."

_:Well, it made me feel better.:_

Natoli gave him a look that suggested that he might want to do something that made her feel better if he valued all his limbs.

_:I...could...maybe call them all over:_

"Fine. And get them to agree to do whatever to go away again."

_:Er.:_ said Altra. _:Heh heh. Well see. OH MOST ILLUSTRIOUSLY UGLY AND SMELLY DEMI GODDESS! PLEASE GO AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE:_

"Himisterfunnycatwhachawantustodothatfor?Heyyou'rereallyfunnylookinghowcomethegirlovertherelooksre

allymadhowcomeshe'ssomadmaybeyoushoulddosomethingtomakeherfeelbetterlikegiveheracookiecookiesma

keeveryonefeelbetterlikewheni'mreallydepressedijusteatacookieandifeelbetterexceptinevergetdepressedbeca

usetheresTheGothforthatandsomeoneelsetooiforgetbuttheywon'tletmegivethemcookiesan..." said a Megami, popping up beside Altra.

"Wagh!" Said Karal in surprise. Sometimes it was a pain seeing through the eyes of a someone who was the favorite torturing object of goddesses. Altra moaned.

"I'll kill you." said another one. "Lovely, lovely blood. Mhneee hee eheee heee."

"Now Murderess," Another put in coaxingly. "You have to find the love! Peace. Flowers are much prettier without blood on them."

"Shut up, Serenity."

"Has that been prophesized?" Asked yet another Megami.

"KITTY!"

"Kill it."

"Murdereeeeeeeeeeeess!" wailed a very small child in brightly colored socks. "You're a meanie poo head!"

"Get over it. I could kill you, too."

"Maturiiiiiiiiiiiiiity, make her stop!"

"Yes dear."

"I...oh dear." said Karal. "What on earth are we supposed to do now?"

--

And now, an ACTUAL CONVERSATION had between Krissy and Julie while writing this story.

Krissy: man, i don't know if anyone else finds the story amusing

Krissy: but i sure do

Krissy: i'm sitting here cracking up right now

Julie: heh.

Julie: i laugh at you

Krissy: it's FUNNY

Krissy: mostly because we're so laaaaaaaaaaaame

Julie: yeah

Julie: that part greatly amuses me

Krissy: ...you mean the whole thing?

Julie: no, the part where we're stupid

Julie: kay yeah, the whole thing.

Krissy: it's so true

Next update will appear whenever!


	8. In Which Everyone Cries, and Megami is G

**Chapter Seven: In Which Everyone Cries, and Megami is Grounded**

AN: HOLY SHIT MONKEYS, BATMAN! We have actually come to the end of the story. That's right, folks, this is the last chapter of actual plot (or what passes for plot, anyway). There will be on final chapter after this, filled with what we couldn't put in the story—yes, even we have standards, although they are mostly non-existent and prefer frolicking in fields of green than actually hanging around when we write.

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

Murderess prowled around restlessly while the Archer cheerfully tried to make one of the Skans into a pincushion. The Goth was hiding somewhere in the shadows, making sarcastic comments and death threats, Child running around shrieking like, well, a child and the Priestess was staring at a blank wall. If anyone asked her what she was doing, she would turn at look and him or her, and say in a monotone: "It has been prophesied." Usually the questioner would back away at this point, and go run and hide behind one of Megami's other forms. Not that this helped.

Karal had a headache.

So far all attempts to get the various aspects to cooperate had failed spectacularly and had so far set three people, six rocks, and Altra on fire. This was not including the various things The Pyro had burned, which had thankfully thus far been inanimate, with the exception of a small rabbit who had chosen a very unfortunate time to come out of it's burrow. One of the younger Megamis was currently sobbing over the charred remains of its body.

Natoli had entirely given up on the Megamis and gone to go punch a brick wall for a while. Or the closest to a brick wall she could find in the middle of the Dhorisha plains.

"What are we going to do?" Kerowyn asked.

_:Kill them all:_ Altra suggested brightly, his fur still smoldering.

"No." said Karal.

_:Oh. Phooey:_

"Well, what do you suggest then?" Demanded Kerowyn, gesturing angrily. "None of them will even stay still long enough for us to do anything."

"We could..." Karal trailed off, at a loss for anything to suggest.

"Exactly."

"Well, killing them isn't even practical!" Karal protested. "Do goddesses even die?"

_:...no.:_ Altra admitted_. :What's your point:_

"Trying to kill them wouldn't accomplish anything!"

_:It'd make me feel better.:_

"But that's not the point! The point is to get them... consolidated. And to get them out of here."

Kerowyn pinched her nose, trying to ward off an oncoming headache. "Where's Selenay?" she asked. "And Darren? I know we're in the middle of nowhere, but she's still my queen, dammit, and I'd feel better if I knew where she was."

"I think they're somewhere over there..." Karal gestured vaguely in the direction Altra had last seen someone who might have been the Queen. Indeed, there was a small cluster of people who generally accompanied her standing a few yards away; seeing as nothing was being accomplished anyway, Kero decided to go over to join them.

"Hello, Selenay. Caryo."

"Oh, hello Kero."

"I don't suppose you know how to fix this, do you?"

"No. We've been trying."

Kerowyn slumped. "Ye gods and little monkeys. This certainly is a mess."

Caryo gave her a look that said an idiot could have figured that out.

"I don't see you coming up with any brilliant ideas," she snapped.

Caryo's look now said quite clearly that she was busy helping her Chosen. Kerowyn told herself quite firmly that she was not, under any circumstances, going to argue with a horse (even if it was a Companion).

"Where's Darren, then?"

Selenay looked particularly distressed at this. "He went to go see if he could convince the Megamis to at least stop killing people."

"What on earth possessed him to do that?"

"I don't know! He went off muttering something about donkeys and spoons and such!"

"The man is obviously off his rocker." This statement caused Selenay to look a bit more put out.

Kerowyn sighed. Everyone was, understandably, a tad emotionally unstable at the moment, and insulting

Darren wouldn't improve anything except maybe her own mood. She tried valiantly to keep this in mind. "So what do we do now?"

"Hello Mother." Elspeth popped up behind Selenay, smiling.

"Hello Elspeth, I don't suppose you have any ideas for getting rid of these goddesses?"

"Hmm. Well, yes. But I don't think you'll like it."

--THIRTY SECONDS LATER--

"WHAT?"

"I did tell you that you wouldn't like it, you know." Elspeth said mildly.

"Yes but..." Selenay trailed off weakly.

Her daughter shrugged. "To get rid of Megami, you have to do something like Megami would do. It's fairly simple."

"Besides" Kero put in. "Nothing else has worked. We've tried all the logical ways, why not try something completely illogical?"

"Fine. Go collect everyone, then."

Elspeth gave a little nod and set off, stopping to talk to people and point in the direction of her mother as she went.

--

WHAM!

A MEGAMI FELL OUT OF THE SKY!

People screamed!

There was mass chaos!

In short, it was a pretty typical occurrence in the life of Karal.

Karal sighed. "I really, really need you to stand over there, sir." He said to a young man, gesturing. "We need every one to cooperate if this is going to work." Elspeth, in her infinite kindness, had explained her plan to Karal and asked him to help with getting everyone together.

Sometimes, Karal was not very fond of Elspeth.

He pointed another person over to the growing group surrounding the queen. "Fanfnals?" Said the man. Or what he said as far as Karal could tell anyway. He appeared to be drunk. Karal briefly wondered where he had gotten the alcohol, and then decided it really didn't matter. "Sir. Please."

"Wassat?" The man demanded.

_:Should I claw him:_ Altra asked, looking far to eager. _:I could, you know. I'm really quite good at it.:_

"No," Karal told him regretfully. "He might cry, and it's to soon for that."

_:Phooey.:_

At this point, the man Karal had been trying to round up fell over. Again.

"Whosabuggrit" He muttered from the ground. Kerowyn, in a fit of spasmodic rage, picked him up and threw him in the general direction of the mob, who began to cheer wildly and dance around the body. "Arhghfhd!" She muttered, and stamped off. Altra seemed satisfied with this, and he and Karal went on to the next person.

"Hello." said Karal.

The person stared at him

This seemed to happen a great deal more than Karal would have liked, and he patiently began to explain the need for the man to move. Again. The man stared at him some more, and then ambled off--but in the wrong direction.

"Sir!" Karal flailed his arms frantically. "Sir, you need to go that way!"

He was ignored.

"...Altra?"

_:What do you think _I _can do about it:  
_

"Bite him."

:_Much as I would like to, I don't see what it would accomplish.:_

"Nothing, but it will make me feel better."

Altra considered this_. :Okay then.:_ He launched himself at the uncooperative man, who yelled "YARGLEBLARGLE!" and went down like a stone. Karal smiled in satisfaction and moved on to the next person. Things continued in this manner for some time, until everyone was gathered in a group near the Queen.

Elspeth rubbed her hands together. "Everyone ready?"

There was some noncommittal mumbling.

"Fantastic."

"Well. Let's begin."

"Begin what?" asked a man testily.

Elspeth glared. "It."

"Yes, but what is it?"

"You'll see."

"See WHAT?"

"What it is."

"BUT WHAT IS IT?"

"That's what you're going to find out!"

"ARGH!" said the man.

Elspeth gave him a little smile. "Okay. Now, when I start—"

"WHAT'S THAT?"

"It's a DUCK." said Kerowyn. "Now shut up and listen to Elspeth."

"But Elspeth's not talking! She's busy glowing!"

"Augh! Start crying!"

--

A nearby bard plucked at the strings of his lute, and then began to sing. "Ahem, now--A RIVER OF TEAAAAAAAAARS CAME AND WASHED THEM AWAAAAAAAAAAY

IT WAS SO SAAAAAAAD

THAT THEY COULDN'T STAY ANOTHER DAAAAAAAAAAY

OH WHAAAAAAAAAAAT WILL WE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WITHOUT THOSE CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY GODDESSES MAKING SUCH A STOOOOOOOO!

What did they do that was so BAAAAAAAAAAD?

BESIDES ALL THAT STUFF LIKE, OOOOOOOOOOOH

CHICKENS SQUAWKING

AND VEGTABLES TAAAAALKING

AND PEOPLE DYING

AND CHILDREN CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING!

OOOOOH WHAT A FATEFUL DAY

THE MEGAMIS WILL GO AWAY

AND ALL THE PEOPLE CRIED

ON THE DAY THAT LAVAN DIED."

Karal wondered why the bard was singing about someone named Lavan. He also wondered why the Bard was the only one not crying.

"Less thinking, more tears!" sobbed Kerowyn. Karal obligingly cried as hard as he could.

"I think it's working!" someone said. Karal looked up. There was indeed, a river of tears forming.

The plan, for those of you in the dark--i.e. everyone--went something like this: Elspeth would do her magic mojo, causing the entire Valdemaran court to cry a river of tears, which would wash the Megamis away. It was not the clever, brilliant plan that many had hoped for, but it worked, which was more important than things like, oh, logic. Because really, who uses logic these days?

The bard warbled on.

The people cried on.

And the Megamis washed away.

Eventually, Elspeth let everyone stop crying, and a group of people who have already been in this story headed over in the direction the Megamis had gone. Just to be sure.

"Well," one of them said hopefully. "It looks like they're all gone."

"But are they gone for good?" Another asked worriedly.

"That's a good question."

"I wonder if anyone has an answer."

"Probably not."

And they wandered away.

--

I woke up. I was somehow one person again. This made me very angry, mostly because I just felt like being angry. I decided to swear revenge on the jerkfaces who had done this to me. Which meant, more or less, everyone in the world. Good. I should do something to them. Like... Burn them! Yes! Burn everything!

I set to it at once, burning the first thing I could see: a rock. I pointed at it, telling it to burn. It didn't.  
So I blew it up instead. "HAHAHAHA!" I laughed triumphantly, and set upon the next helpless object.  
It was another rock. There didn't seem to be much else around here. Okay, I decided, maybe not so much with the burning of the world, seeing as there wasn't really anything very burn-able lying around. But I could still do something else. Something evil. Something cruel. Something like... Platypuses!

"HO HO HO!" I cackled, waved my hands, and poof! All the people of the world were transformed into platypuses! My evil plan was complete!

And then my mom showed up.

"MEGAMI."

"Eep."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING EXACTLY?"

"...Nothing!"

"MEGAMI."

_Shit._ Maybe if I put everything back now she would think she was imagining things! My mother was never a very reasonable person. I decided to try it.

"HAHAHA!" I laughed hysterically. "WHY, WHATEVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MOTHER? SEE, EVERYTHING IS NORMAL!" I could feel her glaring at me, though I still couldn't see her. "ER." I said. Panic had made me extra loud for some reason. "I just though I'd visit for a little peace and quiet?" I tried.

"SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU EVER LIKE PEACE AND QUIET?" she boomed.

I eeped again.

"MEGAMI, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST FOUND IN MY TAPESTRY?"

"Er...no?"

"DON'T LIE TO ME, YOUNG LADY."

I decided to try an old standard. "I didn't do it, I swear!"

"I FIND THAT RATHER DOUBTFUL, SEEING AS THE _CHAOS THREAD _TOLD ME YOU WOVE IT IN."

"Oh, um..." I pummeled my brain for another tactic. "What chaos thread?"

"NICE TRY. MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHY THERE ARE INSANITY THREADS THERE INSTEAD?"

I drew a complete blank on this one. "Maybe not?"

"I DIDN'T THINK SO. WE'RE LEAVING NOW. AND OH, BY THE WAY--YOU'RE GROUNDED."

"Shit."

--

Deep inside wherever the heck Megami and her mom lived, the two insanity threads started up a conversation.

_**Well, that was entertaining**,_ said one.

_**Indeed**_ The other answered._  
_

_**Well, it's time to leave now, I think.**  
_

_**Yes. We have other places to be.**_**  
**

And then they were gone.

--

THE END.

OR IS IT?

…

Yeah, it is.


	9. In Which The Authors Write Stuff That Ma

**THE LAST CHAPTER: In Which The Authors Write Stuff That Make Them Look Like They're On Crack**

WOOT! This is it people! The last chapter! The retarded one! More retarded than usual, that is. Erm. Yeah.

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

I was bored. I decided to throw a light switch rave. Now all I needed to do was find a light switch... I decided to look for one in the city. People have all kinds of stuff, there must be at least one light switch out there I could have! I would hug it and play with it and feed it and call it George. I wondered offhandedly what light switches eat. Probably cake! Chocolate cake! That meant I should go get some cake, too! I went to go find the kitchens. An hour later, I still hadn't found them. And I hadn't found a light switch either, dammit. "Hey!" I grabbed a passing servant-type person. "Where do you keep your light switches in this place?"

He blinked. "Dur?"

"Light switches." I told him. "Where are they."

"Light switches." He said. "What are they?"

I smacked myself in the forehead. "HOW could you not know what a LIGHT SWITCH is?"

"I'm stupid!" He stated cheerfully

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I screamed in horror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He screamed back.

"EEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I cackled at him, not wanting to be outdone.

"I'm a cucumber." He informed me calmly. "And there's a spider on your head."

"AAAHH!" I shrieked, smacking my head wildly.

"BALEETED!" He commented, waltzing off down the hallway.

"WAIT!" I yelled, doing back flips at him. "YOU FORGOT ABOUT MY LIGHT SWITCH!"

"Witchy witch witch! Which witch is which? YEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEHEIO#$(&!$U)(!O(EU#ROU#$!($)$#!" Was his ever so helpful reply.

"Rrrgmblemnmbler" I muttered, walking off to find another servant-type person to ask.

"Megami? What are doing?" Kero asked, approaching me with a large pointy sword type thing.

"Looking for a servant-type person." I informed her. "Why? What are YOU doing?"

"I'm going to go teach some trainees the class that I teach them." She responded.

"Ooh!" I yelled. "Can I help? Huh, huh, can I can I?"

"No."

"Awwwwwwwww, why not?"

"Because you'll blow something or someone up. Eventually."

"So? I'll bring it back!"

"Mmhmm." Kero said, obviously not buying it.

"No really! I will! See, watch." I twitched my finger, and the hallway we were currently in exploded.

"AAAAHHHH!" Kero shrieked. "What the HELL ARE YOU THINKING?"

"Thinking?" I asked innocently.

Kero twitched once or twice. I wondered if I should pretend I couldn't fix the hall, just to freak her out.

"FIX. THIS. NOW." She growled at me, hefting the sword thing. I decided maybe this would be a bad idea. I waved my hand and the hall appeared un-exploded, and Kero heaved a sigh of relief. "Never. Do that again." She told me, pointing the sword-type thing at my face.

"Okay. Where's a light switch?" I asked, having absolutely no intention of actually doing any such thing.

"I--what? What the hell is a light switch?" Kero demanded.

I frowned. "Don' tell me you people don't even have light switches here."

"Okay... but not telling you doesn't change the facts." She informed me, giving me a weird look.

"This country is really dumb, you know that?"

"I happen to like it."

"Well, I don't."

She shrugged. "Then leave."

"No! That's no fun." I told her, not really sure if my logic was making sense.

"Are you having fun now?"

"Er.gah..Dur..SHUTTUP!"

"So how do you know you won't have more fun if you leave?"

"Stooooooooop it..." I wailed. "Stop making so much sense!"

Kero smirked.

"I'm going away now." I announced. "I'm gonna go find Altra. He never makes sense."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that you think so."

"I know he will." I walked away down the hallway, wondering where Altra would be. Probably with Karal, I decided, because Karal really had some problems seeing without him. Now I only needed to find Karal. I considered finding another servant-type person, but considering how helpful the last one had been, decided against it. Karal would probably be with Natoli… so… if I could find her, I could find Karal, and I could find Altra! Okay… soooo, where was Natoli? Maybe she was in the kitchen! No, Natoli didn't like to cook. Maybe outside somewhere then? It was worth a try, anyway. I headed outside through the nearest wall and began my search. However, after scaring the shit out of about sixty zillion gardeners, I was no closer to finding her.

"NAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIII!" I yelled cheerfully. "STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING WITH KARAL AND COME HERE!" I saw someone stand up and make some sort of gesture at me on the other side of the garden I was currently in, so I went over to see if it was Natoli. It was actually another crotchety old gardener, much to my disappointment. I scowled at him, and went on to the next garden. Natoli had to be in one of them!

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatoooooooooooooliiiiii…" I whined. No one answered, so I went on to yet another garden. Was there no end of them? No. There was not. I wandered through garden after garden, searching in vain for Natoli.

"Megami?" someone asked me curiously. "What are you _doing_?"

I spun around to see who it was, but accidentally spun in a full circle, so didn't see anything. "I'm looking for Natoli!" I told the person.

"Well, you found her." The person replied in amusement.

"I did?" I asked in confusion. "Where?"

"Here." The person said.

I turned around, more carefully this time, and looked at Natoli. Without Karal. Dammit! "Where's Karal?" I asked.

"Inside… at a meeting…" Natoli replied, giving me a strange look.

"Oh. Can I break it up?"

"No."

"Awwwwwwwww…" I said sadly. "When is it going to be over, then?"

"It just started, and considering the people he's meeting with, it could go on for a looong time. Why do you want him?"

"I just want to annoy Altra, actually."

"Ah." Natoli nodded as if she had just been told something that explained her entire life. "So sorry to disappoint you."

"Nah, it's okay." I shrugged. "I'll just find someone else to bother."

"You do that." Natoli told me. "I have to go to my class."

I brightened. "Are there people to annoy in you class? Huh huh huh TELL ME TELL ME!"

"No—" Natoli started, then appeared to change her mind. "Mayyybe… there are certainly people…"

"Well, that's a start!" I said cheerfully.

Natoli shrugged and started walking off. "If you want to annoy them you'll have to come now. If I wait any longer I'll be late."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" I trotted after Natoli, happily singing random songs about fluffy bunny slippers. Several minutes later we arrived at Natoli's class, which appeared to be geography. I jumped onto a desk and started tap-dancing, while the occupant of said desk stared at me with a 'What-the-Hell?' expression.

"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg." I replied. The kid turned white and jumped out of the desk. Unfortunately, this caused the desk to get severely unbalanced and fall over.

"That wasn't very smart." I chastised him severely. "You made me fall over."

"Oh." He replied, backing away. "Sorry... won't happen again..." He turned and ran away, hiding behind one of the other people in the room.

"Ow." I added as an afterthought.

Natoli cleared her throat. "Everyone, this is Megami. She's the goddess everyone's been talking about."

"I'm famous!" I chirruped happily, twirling around in place. "Like Michael Jackson! Wait...ew. No."

This got me blank looks from everyone in the room. "Whaaaaat?" I whined. "Just 'cause YOU don't have anything remotely entertaining doesn't mean I can't!

"Megami." Natoli said patiently.

"Yes?" I inquired.

"Sit down, shut up, and read."

"Read what?"

"The textbook, perhaps?" She responded dryly.

"WHERE? KILL IT!" I flipped over a couple more desks, looking for the hated thing so I could burn it or something.

"Calm down, it's just full of maps. And stuff about reading maps." She added thoughtfully, "Which I doubt you'll understand anyway. So stop that."

"Oh." I stopped flipping desks, and sat on one. Which happened to be upside-down at the time, so it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world. "OK then. You can do you map thingys. I'll just sit here and annoy people, 'kay?"

"Alright." Natoli sighed. "Just...keep control of yourself, okay?"

"No problem!" I responded cheerfully. "Are you going to eat that?"

She gave me a deadpan look. "If you really want to eat my quill, you can."

"Nonono, not that! I was talking about the banana in your ear."

"..." She commented thoughtfully. "No, I'm not going to eat it."

"Oh good. I can stuff it in someone else's ear then!"

"Okay, Megami. You do that."

"Okay!" I exclaimed happily, transferring the banana to the ear of the kid I had scared before.

"Oowwwwwwwwww..." He said.

"Sorry." I said, giving him a piece of a chocolate lime to make him feel better.

He blinked at in surprise, then suspiciously nibbled at it. "Yummy!" He declared, and attempted to swallow it whole.

"No no no," I told him, taking it and breaking it up. "The point isn't to choke yourself to death, it's to forget about the banana in your ear!"

"Oh." He responded, and off in the corner Natoli buried her head in her hands.

I went over to her. "What's your problem?" I asked. "Do you need some chocolate too?" I twitched, causing a five-pound bag of chocolate pieces to fall from the ceiling and fall on her foot.

"Thanks." She mumbled. "Where is our teacher, anyway?"

"Is he the guy hiding behind the desk over there?"

"Possibly."

"Or maybe he's the guy I accidentally squished with the giant squid..." I continued thoughtfully.

"Please tell me you're joking."

"Okay," I shrugged, making the squid disappear. "He shouldn't be too squished..."

"This was a very, very bad idea." Natoli informed herself.

"Probably," I agreed, since Natoli didn't seem to be replying.

"Well, you know what? I think Karal's meeting is over now!" She said suddenly, looking hopeful. "Which means that Altra is free to annoy!"

I considered this for a moment. "Okay! Lets go see!" Grabbing Natoli's hand, I started towards the door.

"Perhaps that was a bad idea as well," she muttered..

"No, You just have to show me where the meeting was so we can make sure that if it isn't already over it will be shortly after we get there!" I assured her, tugging impatiently.

"I suppose." She said.

"Good. Show me"

"Alright, follow me." She gently tugged her hand out of my iron-like grasp and started down a hallway.

"Yaaaaaay!" I yelled, frolicking after her.

After several more long, boring hallways we came to a door. A really, really, really big door.

"Ooooooooh!" I said, staring up at it.

"Karal should be in there. Or possibly he has already left from there." Natoli informed me, pointing at the door.

"OKAY!" I patted her head a couple times, then walked on through the door.

"Bye..." I heard her call feebly. I absently waved, forgetting that she couldn't see me anymore, and turned my attention to more important things.

"Altraaaaaa-pooooooooo..." I called. "Where are you, my sweetie dumpling?"

The people sitting at the table in the room stared at me.

"Oh dear gods..." Karal muttered from the far end. "Megami, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to annoy Altra!" I told him cheerfully.

_:Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...:_ Altra moaned pathetically.

"Because I luuuuuuuuuuuuuurv you!"

_:Kill me now, please.:_ He responded, glaring.

"Kay!" I sent a fireball shooting towards the Firecat, incinerating him.

"Megami." Karal said, looking slightly annoyed. "Did it ever occur to you that if Altra died I would no longer be able to see?"

"No!" I responded, happily picking at my thumbnail.

"I didn't think so. But it's a good thing that he can't die," he pointed to the rather singed looking cat now sitting on the table, "Or I would find a way to banish you back to where ever you came from, no matter what it took."

"You couldn't" I told him with confidence.

"I could too."

_:Ow.:_ Altra commented thoughtfully.

"Could not! And you shut up, you wanted it!"

_:I was being rhetorical.:_ He sniffed haughtily._ :And you've never seen Karal when he's really mad and I have and I say he could. And would. So there.:_

"Where?"

_:anfliwe934903#$#$asd:_ He responded.

"Oooooooh, that's baaaad!" I told him. "You ought to have your head washed out with soap!"

One of the old farts sitting at the table gave me a weird look. However, I had grown quite used to this and was able to ignore it. Instead of paying the fart any attention whatsoever, I went and sat in his lap. Just to see what he would do. "I wants a dolly, and a horsy, and a bunny and a REALLY BIG GUN and a tea set..." I singsonged happily, kicking my legs. The fart made a sort of strangled burping noise, his face turning a fascinating shade of purple.

"That's disgusting." I informed him seriously. He made another noise, this one somewhere between a meep and a yodel.

Karal slumped in his chair wearily. "I think we should just end this meeting, before she really starts to get going." I looked up at whoever appeared that they might be in charge, hoping they would agree.

"I agree." agreed the oldest of the old farts. "Let us depart."

"Aw I dunno," I said, not wanting to appear too eager for them to go. "We were having so much fun!"

Quick as bunnies, they filed out of the room leaving me, Karal, and Altra alone. However, they all included the fart on whose lap I was still sitting, and his getting up caused me to fall on my butt. Which rather hurt.

_:Haha.:_ Altra said smugly._ :Serves you right.:_

I stuck my tongue out at him, and stood up. Then fell over again just for the hellofit.

--------------

"Eskabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." I called, wandering through the hallway. "WHERE ARE YOU, MY SERVY-POO? No one answered, so I went into a random room. It was empty. And boring. I decided to try a different one. "Bamphf!" I muttered to myself. "Bamphf! Snickt! Bamphf!" This caused a nearby servant-type-person to look at me strangely. "BAMPHF!" I repeated, louder and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "SNICKT!" I reappeared in a room elsewhere, right in front of a startled looking Altra. "ALTRA-POO!" I shrieked._ :Naugh:_ he replied.

"What's the matter?" I asked, grabbing him and hugging tightly. "Don't you luuuuurv me?"

_:NO.:_ He yowled and tried to bite my face._ :Unless you mean "love" in the sense of "I want to disembowel you and then eat your innards".:_

"Awww..." I dropped him on the floor and turned around. "Well how 'bout pie? Do you lurv that?"

_:What's that got to do with anything:_ He asked suspiciously.

"Well see there's this giant pie over there." I explained. "And I'm not sure if I can eat it all myself!"

_:There isn't a giant pie over th--UHA:_

"Uha?" I asked skeptically. "What kind of a word is that?"

_:Why is there a giant pie? WHY IS THERE A GIANT PIE:_

I shrugged. "I dunno, what kind is it? That could give us a clue!"

_:This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I refuse to participate in this utterly ridiculous...thing. Whatever it is.:_

"Your loss!" I went over to the pie, intent on seeing if it was a kind that was yummy to eat. IT WAS AN APPLE PIE. "YURCH!" I screamed at it.

Karal spoke up from a corner that had not previously existed! "HELLO." he boomed menacingly.

"EEEEK!" I shrieked at him.

"HEH HEH HEH." He replied. Altra rolled his eyes as only a cat can.

_:WILL YOU STOP MESSING AROUND:_ He jumped onto Karal and clung onto his front. Karal looked rather surprised and fell over.

"Hello cat." He said cheerfully. "Hello Megami."

"Hi!" I informed him brightly.

He looked around with interest at the room. "What's all this then?"

"I made a pie for Altra. He doesn't seem to like it though."

Karal frowned. "That's not very nice."

"That's what I thought!" I agreed, giving Altra a dirty look.

_:I hate you all.:_

"What did I do?" Karal demanded, sounding hurt.

------------------------

I walked off down the hall, randomly going into rooms to see if Altra was in them. Much to my disgust, he seemed to have turned into a very large pumpkin and was currently residing in the dining room. "What are you doing, Altra?" I asked the pumpkin, much to the amusement of the other people in the room.

_:I don't know.:_ He remarked, sauntering in behind me._ :What am I doing:_

"What?" I asked, confused. "There's two of you!"

Altra looked at me blankly, I smacked myself in the forehead, and fell over. repeatedly.

_:I'm going to pretend I don't know you now.: _

I ran over and hugged him. "I love you to, Altra-poo!"

_:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:_ Altra yelled, falling over and twitching repeatedly.

"You're so cuuuuuuute!"

_:Get AWAY FROM ME:_ He yelped.

"Awww, doesn't the kitty wove me anymore?

_:No.:_ He responded darkly, attempting to skewer me with his claws.

"Whyever not?" I asked innocently. Altra called me a word I had never heard before, but I suspected that it was probably something not very nice.

"PANDA!" I screamed at him.

"Megami, let Altra go." Karal said with the tone of one long used to such events.

"Aw Karal, do I haave to?" I whined.

"Yes."

Grumbling, I released the Cat.

"Thank you. "

"Grmbgrlegbr" I grumbled. Altra hissed at me from underneath Karal's chair. I hissed back at him.

"Stop that." Commanded Karal. "Both of you."

"/But Karaaaal"/ we both whined.

"Stop it." He repeated firmly.

"Meanie." I muttered, sticking my tongue out at him.

"If you would stop abusing my Cat I wouldn't have to be so mean all the time." Karal pointed out.

"He started it!" I protested, pointing at Altra.

_:I did not:_ Altra protested.

"Well you could've!" I told him. "And besides, you talked to me before I talked to you, so that means you started it!" Altra blinked at me once or twice. "WHAAAT?" I shrieked. "STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!" I twitched, causing a pair of dark sunglasses to plaster themselves to Altra's head.

_:Ow.:_ He commented. _:Karal, can I DEVOUR HER CORRUPT HEATHEN SOUL now:_

"No..." Karal replied, though he didn't sound entirely sure.

_:Awww. You're no fun.:_

"Sorry. I just don't think it would work very well. She might turn you into a platypus or something."

_:Well, then can I get some pirates to DEVOUR HER INNARDS instead:_

Karal thought about this for a few seconds. "Well, if you can find some pirates, and then get them back here, and then get them to devour her innards without harming anything else, be my guest." He told the Cat.

"Thanks Karal," I said darkly. "How do you feel about being a platypus?"

Altra squealed in delight and ran into a stone pillar. Karal looked at him, blinked a few times, and fell over

_:Are you a pirate:_ Altra asked the pillar expectantly_. :No. Well, do you know where I could find one:_

"Um, Altra?" Karal asked him from his new position on the floor. "Are you quite alright?"

_:I'm not really sure, but I'm sure Mr. Lawnchair could tell you:_ He responded cheerfully.

"Ah." Karal nodded, then promptly got up and stared at me. "Did you put the pickles in the microwave?" He asked accusingly.

"Does it look like I have a banana on my head?" I replied contemptuously.

_:WHAT: _Altra squealed, chasing his tail wildly_. :WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T TELL ME WHERE THE PIRATES ARE? WHEN I CATCH YOU I SWEAR I'LL—:_ he was cut off abruptly as a giant bowl of pudding fell on him.

"Whoops!" I commented.

A passing servant-type person looked at the pudding, then dipped his finger in and tasted it. "WOOOOOOO! YUMMY YUMYUM!" he yelled happily. Karal blinked at him. The servant-type person picked up the bowl, and shoved it in Karal's face. "IT BE NUUUMMY! EATIT!" He yelled.

"Me no like vanilla pudding!" He objected.

Abruptly, Altra stopped trying to get his tail to tell him where the pirates were, and looked up. _:WHOSAT:_ he yelled, before passing out.

"I BE ESKANABA!" the servant-type person squealed.

"I am Gred. But you can call me Forge." I stated helpfully.

"I'm the little green munchkin in the sky!" Karal told us all happily.

Eskanaba looked at him. "I've always wanted to meet you!" he said calmly, doing backflips. I peered at him suspiciously, thinking I recognized him.

"HEY!" I yelled realizing who he was. "You're the servant-type person who was acting all weird in the hall! What are you doing here?"

"Yup!" Eskanaba meeped happily. "I'm STALKINGYOU!"

"WHY!" I demanded.

He got a glazed look in his eyes, and knelt on the floor in front of me. "The Spooooon," He said in a monotone. "The Spoon is my master. I must worship The Spoon for its awesome powers." Eskanaba plastered himself to the floor as much as he could while still kneeling. He then looked up at me, the glazed look in his eyes replaced by a slightly crazed one. "GIVEITTOMENOW!" He shrieked, and I watched in curiosity as he launched himself at me, his eyes never leaving The Spoon. As soon as he was near enough, he grabbed it in both hands, and promptly flew across the room. He crashed into the far wall, and slumped, temporarily stunned, on the floor.

"What, you think I wouldn't protect my own Spoon from insane mortals like you?" I asked as he started to stir. Eskanaba blinked a few times, then stared at me.

"We will get The Spoon from you." He said, speaking in monotone once more. "For we are the Holy Cult of The Spoon! And if we can't get it from you while you're alive, we'll kill you and get it that way!" He stared at me a few seconds longer, the started laughing hysterically and ran out the door. I stared in confusion in the direction that the kid and run off in.

"What?" I asked Karal intelligently.

"I don't really know." He responded.

"Ah." I said, nodding like I understood. "So does he believe himself?"

"Um." He commented helpfully. "That's a good question."

"Alrighty then. Lets go do stuff now. This is boring?"

Karal looked at me oddly. "Alright."

"YAAY!" I clapped my hands and jumped up and down a few times.

_:I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts:_ Altra stated randomly.

"Really?" Karal asked interestedly, before having a completely real coughing attack. "CoughcoughWEIRDOcoughcough! So what are we doing again?"

"I have no idea!" I replied cheerfully. "I forgot."

_:Lets go swimming:_ Altra suggested happily, chasing his tail.

"Let's not." Karal said dryly. "And stop that, you're making me dizzy."

_:But mommyyy:_ the Firecat protested, starting to walk over to me and Karal and falling on his face.

"Mommy? Exuse a moi?" Asked Karal.

"CoughcoughYOUCANTTALKRIGHTcough!" I put in, poking Karal in the nose.

"So I've never taken a French class in my life. Exuuuuuuse me"' he retorted. "Wait! What am I talking about? And what the hell is French?"

Altra peeled his face off of the floor and peered suspiciously at us. _:This conversation reminds me of something...:_ He muttered. If you can mutter mentally. Which I'm sure you can... especially if you happen to be a cat at the time...

"It does?" I replied. "Well, it shouldn't."

:_Are you sure:_ he inpuired_. :Cuz I keep getting this word 'Noipe ' in my head... but I can't IMAGINE where it's coming from...:_

"What on earth are you inpuiring about?"

_:So Julie cant type! You leave that out of hits! This. Whatever I can't help it if she's stupid.:_

"This is true." Karal commented thoughtfully.

"Waitaminute!" I protested. "Who the hell is Julie?"

"I don't know." He said. "Maybe you could ask Krissy."

"What? Who the hell is Krissy? I'm so confused..." I decided that going somewhere else would get me less confused, so went through the nearest wall to see what was on the other side. It was a house! Of cherries! I quickly got a little thinger of whipped cream, and started covering the house with it. As I was working, a thought popped into my head. It was a little blue thought, and when I caught it, it only said two words: Last chapter...

------------------------

"Happy birthday dear Daaaaaaaaren! Happy birthday tooo yoooouuuuu!"

Bang! Bam! Wham! "SHIT!" or "GOD DAAAAMNIT!"

Karal fell down the stairs, screaming curses at Altra that probably would have made old ladies keel over. Altra ran over, apologizing profoundly with every step.

"Yes, well apologies don't help me up. Honestly Altra, you'd think by know you'd learn to look where I'm going!" Karal snapped. He hated when things like this happened. He always felt so stupid.

"Karal, are you alright?" Natoli rushed over to his side, kicking Altra out of the way.

"I'm fine." he replied. "Not thanks to that cat, however."

_:Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it.: _Altra replied indifferently. One of the Skans waltzed up to the threesome. (Which was a very interesting sight indeed, considering he had no idea how to waltz at all.)

_:How are you liking Daren's birthday party:_ he asked randomly.

"It's great!" replied Natoli cheerfully. "Why do you ask?"

_:Because Krissy can't think of anything else to do, and she needs to explain the 'Happy birthday Daren' thing.:_

"Who's Krissy?" asked Natoli.

_:I have absolutely no idea.:_ Skan replied.

_:Then why did you say it: _asked another Skan, walking up next to them.

_:I was forced! The gods made me do it:_ the first Skan said defensively.

_:Which one of the gods would this be:_ asked the third and final Skan, joining them.

Bright light filled the room, a disco ball appeared and "Boogie Fever" filled the air. A big cloud of stuffed pandas filled the air, and when it fell to the floor a person was standing in the middle of the floor.

"You, you and...Yeah!" the person cried, pointing at the three Skans. "You peeps are going back right now!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" replied the Skans. "We like our chocolate pudding! Chocolate pudding isn't invented in the past!"

"Too bad! I don't care what you like! I'm fixing this now!" The person made a loud froofing noise and the Skans disappeared.

THE END

...Or is it!

Yeah, it is

----------------------------

"Jeez! Can't a person even get some simple ice cream in this place? You people are sooo boring! No TV, no soda, how slow can you get!" I complained loudly, lounging lazily on a couch in Karal's room. Karal sighed.

"You might as well wait until Natoli gets here with the food. She's bringing a friend, so you'll have a whole new person to complain at."

"Food! That's another thing wrong with this place! You have cows, you have lettuce, tomatoes, bread, pickles, onions, cheese, and… umm… do you have ketchup? Well even if you don't, you do have tomatoes, so how hard can it be to make a frickin' hamburger? And from there, I have two words for you: Mickey D's. And your potatoes! Have you never heard of French fries! Chips! You have no idea…" At that moment there was, predictably, a knock at the door. At Karal's "come in", it opened to reveal Natoli, holding a tray of food. Behind her was a small blond kid. He was wearing a Healer trainee outfit, and looked extremely nervous.

"Karal, Megami," Natoli told us. "This is Yuiop." It was at this point that I fell off the couch laughing. Through my helpless laughter, I heard voices in a tiny, far away corner of my mind.

"I told you we shouldn't've named him Yuiop!" one of them said.

"It was your idea," a second replied indifferently.

"Yes, but you let me do it!" the first protested.

"Well you were so very insistent about it…" the second voice sounded a bit bored.

"I'd like you to know that I am not happy about this," a third, very depressed sounding voice put in.

"Who the hell was that?" the first voice demanded.

"I would be Marvin." The third voice sounded even more depressed than before. " Look at me. Brain the size of a planet and I'm forced to appear in some demented story."

"Julie?' the first voice asked, slightly accusingly.

"Whaat?" the second – Julie, I suppose — whined.

"Julie." Definitely an accusation this time, though there was a hint of 'you moron'.

"Well I was reading the books and then I was bored so I just started writing 'cuz it was in science and science is really boring and I was thinking about the Guide and… yeah." Julie explained.

"Julie, get _rid _of the depressed robot."

Julie sighed. "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine." There was a small poof, and I stopped laughing.

"Sorry." I told Yuiop, climbing into the big chair across from the couch. "Nice to meet you. What's for lunch?"

Karal goggled at me. "What?"

"I said, 'what's for lunch?' Natoli, Yuiop, why don't you sit down?"

Natoli gave me an odd, questioning look, and sat on the couch. Yuiop looked at me like I was a bomb that was about to explode, and gingerly sat next to Natoli. Karal put the tray of food on the low table between the couch and the chair, and sat down on the other side of Natoli. As we ate, the two voices in my head returned. They seemed to be having some sort of argument.

"No, we should put that part in after the coffee part." The one called Julie said.

"But look, she's drinking coffee. After the coffee part she can't to that." The other replied.

"As if they could stop her from doing whatever she damn well wants to!"

"That's not the point!"

Idly, I wondered what they were talking about.

"You're letting her hear us?" the nameless voice said horrifiedly.

"Why not?" Julie asked. "This part's gonna end up in the last chapter anyway!"

"Well it wouldn't if you hadn't let her hear us!"

"Sooo?"

"So you're a dork!"

"Moron!"

"Idiot!"

"Dope!"

"Dope? I like dope."

"Dope is goooooooooood."

Ah. That explained it. I'd always thought that there might be some part of me that was on drugs. This was just finally confirming that thought.

"Krissy!" Julie accused. "Now look what you did! You made her think we're on drugs, you dork!"

"Jerk!"

"Stupid!"

"Loser!"

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Hey! That hurt!"

The argument in my head quickly deteriorated into what sounded like a fistfight.

-------------------------------

"Good morning, Megami." Karal greeted her cheerfully as she rippled out of the wall. Megami grunted in response, stumbling her way across his room.

_:Doesn't this bother you:_ Altra asked curiously.

"Does what bother me?" Karal replied, watching with interest as Megami tripped over a chair.

_:This.:_ Altra responded irritably, as Megami picked herself off of the floor and ran into the couch. _:This… thing she does every morning. Every day at exactly 11:42 she comes through your wall, walks across your room and manages to trip over every single thing on the floor—:_ Here Megami tripped over a pile of books and fell on herface. _:and then disappears through the other wall:_

"Not really." Karal said cheerfully. Altra fell off the table where he had been perched, while Megami tripped over Karal's bed and landed with a whump. Altra leaped gracefully back onto the table, looking slightly miffed. Karal giggled and swung his legs.

Finally, Megami had made her way to the far wall, feeling around carefully for obstacles in her path.

_:Come on, trudge a little faster:_ barked Altra in annoyance, and Megami promptly turned towards him and turned the offending animal into a teapot. Karal tittered behind his hand and swung his legs some more.

_:This isn't funny, Karal.:_ the teapot/Altra said, sounding disgruntled.

"Sure it is!" Karal chirruped merrily, and then clapped his hands to his face in dismay. "Oh, no! Watch—"

WHAM!

"…Out."

There was a funny whistling noise as Altra choked back laughter, for Megami had just ran into the wall. Karal ran over to her in a decidedly girly fashion, crouched down next to where she had collapsed on the floor, and then got back up and ran girlishly over to where Altra was and set him down next to Megami.

"She's dead!" he declared tearfully.

_:No, she's just been knocked out. Unfortunately.: _Altra stated.

Karal turned a pale shade of green. "Oooh, I just can't stand unconscious people!" he wailed, squirming uncomfortably. They are just so icky!" Altra gave him an odd look. "I don't feel well. Karal proclaimed loudly, and promptly fell over in a faint. Megami picked that exact moment to wake up.

"Whu'm I?" she muttered, blinking at Altra. "Why'r you a t'put?"

_:Karal's room. On the floor. Because you turned me into one.:_

Megami mumbled something that sounded like 'hotypotygrid.'

------------------------

"Monsieur !" Megami's voice rang out in the silent room. "Le triceratops!" Karal stared at her.

"Are you sure it's not la triceratops ?" he asked.

"How should I know, my French teacher only said it once! What? What the hell am I talking about? I don't have a French teacher! I don't even go to school!" Megami shouted. "Now, about that triceratops--"

"French?" Karal interrupted. "I thought that was Jkathan."

"AAARG!" Megami screamed. "Est-ce tu parles avec la glace? Non!"

"You make absolutely no sense." Karal informed her calmly.

And that was when the triceratops attacked. Various random people ran screaming in front of a huge, angry looking, plaid triceratops. Though how it looked angry, Karal could not say, as it had absolutely no expression as far as he could tell. The triceratops, who we will now call Bob as the author is too lazy to keep writing out "the triceratops", charged into the middle of the room, stopped, and looked around. Wherever its rather stupid looking gaze fell, people hid behind each other. This did not work very well, as everyone was trying to hide behind someone, and no one wanted to be hid behind.

"Je ne comprend pas," Megami muttered. "This is not what I was trying to do."

"What were you trying to do?" Karal asked, completely ignoring the huge creature ten feet away from him.

"Je ne sais paaaaaaaas," Megami complained. "It was supposed to make them go home!"

"Are they gone then?" Karal asked her, as Bob decided that the thing to do was to charge at the strange blond girl standing next to the black haired guy.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Megami yelled. Karal watched in amusement as she ran through the wall, Bob close behind.

"Uh, Megami?" Karal called after her. "You're a goddess. You can just make it go through you." This advice, however, did absolutely no good whatsoever, as both Megami and Bob were through the wall, leaving a gaping hole in their wake. Karal stood where he was for a couple minutes, then decided to follow Megami and Bob. It was perfectly easy to see where they had gone, as Bob was about a foot too big to fit through the hall without destroying anything.

"Tu es un petit stylo!" Karal heard Megami shout from somewhere ahead of him. "Tu beau lit! Tu n'as pas de vélo!"

Karal turned a corner, and found himself in a largish room. From the broken state of the walls, Karal guessed that the room had, until recently, been two rooms and part of a hall. Megami stood at the far end of the room, brandishing The Spoon at Bob.

"Je ne suis pas de jeune montre! Mais tu! Tu es un grand steak! Non, un steak-frites! Frites, et un café. J'aime le café. Non, j'adore le café! Je veux le café. Je—YAAA!"

At this point Bob charged once more at Megami, who vanished in a puff of stuffed pandas. Random giggling little kids ran in, took the pandas, and ran out again. Karal fell over. Then he got up, and fell over again. Then, just for the heck of it, did a handstand and started walking around on his hands while juggling fifteen pumpkins with his feet and singing "Lavan's Last Battle" at the top of his lungs. Bob glared at him.

"Yowaiyowashii!" Megami screamed, appearing in another cloud of stuffed pandas, just behind Bob's right front leg. "WHAM!" She hit Bob on the elbow, and he blinked, then turned into a gigantic stuffed panda. Random giggling little kids ran in, took the little pandas, ran out, came back, took the big panda, and ran out again.

"Kintama." Megami muttered sticking her tongue out at the stuffed panda.

"That's not very nice, you know," Karal informed her, falling over and dropping a pumpkin on his head.

"You know what?" Megami asked. "This is just getting ridiculous. I mean come on. You not only know French, but you also know Japanese? How likely is that?"

"Considering that you were just speaking Karsite, pretty likely." Karal replied dryly. Megami blinked.

"Did you know that you're a pumpkin head?" she asked. Belatedly, Karal realized that the pumpkin that had fallen on his head had broken so that his head was inside the pumpkin. He also realized that Bob had somehow gotten himself turned into a grizzly bear, and was now breathing down Megami's neck.

"Hi Bob!" Karal said brightly. Megami turned around.

"Faen i helvette te forpulte fitta!" she screamed at Bob.

"But he's a guy!" Karal protested. "Fitta is only for girls!" Megami stared at him.

"You know Norweigan too?" she exploded. "Is there anything I know that you don't? Tu zapatos es muy largos! Furnulum pani nolo! Fagged goober guttiwuts! Gogomby doky ganga! Nadmenny nadsat noga! Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione! Kala cully, zulu doky! Nagoy malenky koshka krov!"

"That's really not very nice you know, even if most of it doesn't make sense." He informed her, just as Bob got the bright idea to take a bite out of his head. Fortunately, Karal's head was still currently a pumpkin, and all that happened was that Megami was shoved into the wall in Bob's hurry to get to the pretty orange thing.

"Hey!" she shouted. "You wanna piece a me? Ruaka mbala!"

"But you don't have a knife!" Karal protested, looking confused through his pumpkin. At this point, Megami snuck up behind Bob, and with a shouted "WHAM!", turned him into a giant (though not as gigantic as the first time) stuffed panda. Random giggling kids ran in, but before they could grab the panda, Megami jumped on it, and ripped its head off, shouting "Utinam barbari spatioum proprium tuum invadant! Sheka, gooloo bauba! Tu hermano es una chinchilla!" She ripped the stuffing out of the panda, as the random little kids (who had stopped giggling) watched in horror. A few burst into tears and ran away, and the rest followed. When Megami had pulled the last little bit of stuffing out of the panda's flattened body, she looked around in confusion.

"Where's Altra?" she asked.

"He's hiding in the broom closet because Kero threatened to make Firecat stew if he didn't shut up and go away."

Megami looked confused. "Why didn't he just blast her or something?"

Karal blinked. "I don't know, why didn't you just blast Bob or something?"

"Duh!" Megami gestured at the scattered stuffing on the floor. "This was much more fun! Why can you see?"

"Because I'm not really Karal." Karal pulled an invisible zipper on his forehead, unzipping his skin. "I'm Yuiop! And this isn't really The Spoon," Yuiop stepped out of Karal's skin, which inexplicably disappeared, and grabbed The Spoon out of Megami's shocked fingers. He then took another invisible zipper, and unzipped The Spoon, saying, "It's The Fork!" Megami looked at him suspiciously.

"How did you steal The Spoon?" she asked slowly. Yuiop grinned fiendishly.

"Because I'm not really Yuiop!" He declared triumphantly, unzipping his forehead again. "I'm Noipe! And this isn't really The Fork. It's…" He unzipped The Fork, and tossed the discarded skin over his shoulder, where it inexplicably disappeared, along with the other. He held the newly unzipped object up, revealing— "The Spork!"

Megami stared blankly for a couple seconds, then jumped at Noipe, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"GIVEITBACKIT'SMINEYOUSTOLEITYOUKILLEDTHESPOONYOUEVILFIENDIHATEYOUWHATDIDYOUDOTOITYOUEVILEVILPERSONYOU'RETHEWORSTPERSONINALLTHEWORLDSCOMBINEDIHATEYOURSTUPIDGUTSGIMMEBACKTHESPOONRIGHTNOWYOUSTUPIDPIECEOFYOWAIYOWASHIIIHATEYOUGOAWAYGIMMEBACKTHESPOONMAKEITASPOONAGAINYOUSTUPIDEVILFIENDIHATEYOUWHOTHEHELLAREYOUANYWAYYOUEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDWHYDOYOUMURDERINNOCENTSPOONSWHONEVERDIDATHINGTOYOUWHYSHOULDTHEYDESERVETOBETURNEDINTOSPORKSBYEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDSLIKEYOUYOUEVILMONSTERFIENDDEMONTHINGTHATISREALLYREALLYEVILIHATEYOUSOMUCHICOULDJUSTSCREAMWHICHI'MALREADYDOINGSOIHATEYOUEVENMOREBECAUSEICAN'TDOANYTHINGABOUTITWHICHMAKESMEREALLYREALLYMADBECAUSEYOU'REAREALLYREALLYEVILSPOONKILLINGFIENDANDIHATEYOUAREALLYREALLYLOTBECAUSEYOUSTOLETHESPOONANDANDYOUKILLEDTHESPOONANDYOUAREAREALLYREALLYEVILEVILPERSONANDIWANTMYSPOONBACKGIVEITTOMENOWIHATEYOUGIMMEBACKTHESPOONIDON'TWANTASTUPIDSPORKGIVEITTOMENOWYOUEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDIHATEYOUIWILLALWAYSHATEYOUFORTHERESTOFMYLIFEBECAUSEYOUSTOLETHESPOONYOUEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDIHATEYOUYOU'RESUCHACRUELTHIEFPERSONWHOSTEALSDEFENCELESSSPOONSWHONEVERDIDANYTHINGTOANYONEORORANYTHINGEXCEPTMAYBETURNAFEWPEOPLEINTOSTUFFEDPANDASANDTHEYALLDESERVEDITSOMYSPOONNEVERDESERVEDTO—"

"Megami." Noipe cut in, noticing that her face was an interesting cross between olive green and neon yellow. "Breathe." Automatically, Megami stopped screaming, and took a breath. Then, apparently deciding this was a good thing, took another. Noipe took this as an invitation to continue. "I," He puffed out his chest proudly. "Am your long lost twin half brother twice removed!"

Megami got a slightly crazed look in her eyes, and advanced on Noipe slowly. Noipe took one look at her expression, and bolted down the broken hallway.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DON'THURTMEPLEASEDON'THURTMEEEE!" He screamed, turning around to see how far Megami was behind him.

Fortunately, she was still about two doors behind. Unfortunately, the hall chose that exact moment to turn, and Noipe ran straight into the wall and passed out.

A toe poked his side. Hard. Noipe looked around blearily, and saw a bright yellow head above the side that had been poked. "YAAaa…a?"

Megami frowned at him, and thrust The Spork towards his face. "Fix it." She demanded. Noipe took it, took off the illusion he had put on it, and handed it back. As soon as Megami had The Spoon in her hand, there was a "WHAM!" and Noipe found himself unable to move or speak. Giving Megami The Spoon was, he realized, probably not a good idea. It was interesting, thought. He'd never been a stuffed panda before…

----

I glared at the creepy guy, who was now safely pandatized. "For your information," I informed him. "It's only possible to be my twin half brother if you also happen to be my fifty-third cousin. It is not possible to be twice removed." I sensed Noipe struggling to speak though his pandaness, and frowned. That meant he actually was a god. Only gods were still aware after I pandaed them. Mortals turned completely inanimate, and were a lot harder to change back. Assuming I wanted to change him back. Which was not certain. But that was actually not the point. The point was, Noipe was a god. He may be a liar who was pretending to be my twin half brother twice removed, but he was a god. Damn. That meant I would have to turn him back eventually, because gods and goddesses our age often had parents whom got a bit upset if their children were turned into stuffed pandas. Even Mother would be mad. Probably. But that wasn't the point either. I sighed, tied a random rope around the panda's neck, and dragged him off towards Karal's room. Karal was at his desk, and looked up when I came in.

"Not again, Megami! Who is it this time? I wish you would leave people alone."

I frowned. "For your information, this is a god who stole The Spoon and claimed to be my long lost twin half brother twice removed." Karal raised an eyebrow. "And is he?" he inquired blandly.

"Of course not!" I yelled. "People can only be my twin half brother twice removed if they are my fifty-third cousin! Don't you know anything?"

I got the impression that Karal wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn't. "Of course not," he said instead. "For I am a mere mortal and so therefore I am stupid. It is only through the kindness of divine beings such as yourself that I have even an ounce of intelligence."

I peered suspiciously at him for a couple seconds. "Good." I said, dragging Noipe into my room. "It's about time you realized that!" There was an odd choking noise behind me as I shut the door of my room. "Now." I told Noipe. "I am going to unpanda you, and you will sit there nicely until I tell you otherwise. If you do not do this, I will repanda you. You will tell me who the hell you are, what the hell you're trying to do, when the hell you started doing this, where the hell you're from, why the hell you're here, and how the hell you stole The Spoon and turned it into a spork." Slowly and carefully, I lifted the pandaness off of Noipe, transforming him back into god. "Now talk!" I said, jabbing The Spoon at him. Noipe made a face at me.

"I'm the son of the Goddess and Mithros. I am trying to find you and bring you back. I started a little over a week ago. I'm from the Realms of the Gods, duh. I'm here because Father thinks it's time for you to decide what you want to be the goddess of and take your place among us. I stole your spoon because you don't have anything against gods on it, just mortals. And it was just illusion.

I scowled at him. "Who the hell is Mithros?" I demanded.

Noipe goggled at me. "You don't know who Mithros is?" he asked incredulously. "He's only the like, the most important god in the Tortallen world! How can you not know who he is? And what are you doing in this world anyway?"

"Tortall? What the hell are you talking about? Why shouldn't I be here? Mother comes here sometimes, so why can't I?"

"The Great Mother Goddess comes here?"

"Noooo, the Star Eyed goddess comes here."

"The who?"

"I could ask you the same thing!"

"You mean you're not my twin half sister twice removed?"

"No shit Sherlock! I already told you! If you want do by my twin half brother you have to be my fifty-third cousin!"

"So what you're saying is that I've been following the wrong Megami for the last week?"

"You've been following me for a week?"

I jumped at Noipe with The Spoon raised, intending to repanda him. Unfortunately for me, Noipe pulled a spork out of the air above his head, stepped to the side to avoid me, and hit me over the head.

"BANG!" He shouted. I fell on the floor, rolled over, and stared at him.

"Bang?" I asked in my very best 'what are you, stupid?' voice.

"It's just as good as wham!" Noipe protested.

I snorted, but didn't say anything.

"Do you have a problem with my word?" Noipe demanded. "Because if you do," he took a deep breath. "I Challenge you!"

I had raised myself to a sitting position, but now I fell over again. Adults Challenged each other for each little insult, but anyone younger than twenty rarely did it. In a Challenge, two deities fought with their own special weapons, until one of the weapons made a successful hit. The loser generally had to do something for the winner, but it was different every time. The use of any other powers was prohibited, and a third deity watched the pair to make sure they obeyed the rules.

"Are you INSANE? We can't do that!" I shrieked.

"Why not?" Noipe wanted to know. I pummeled my brain to come up with a good answer.

"Because…um…becaaause…OH! We don't have anyone to be a ref!"

Noipe shrugged. "We can use the kid in the other room."

"Karal! He's not a god! I'm the only one here!"

"Does it actually say anywhere that the ref has to be a god?"

"Well how is he supposed to tell if we're cheating?"

"We'll tell him how to tell!"

"But—"

"Do you actually have a real protest this time?"

I stuck my tongue out at Noipe, and with a muttered "fine", stalked through the wall into Karal's room. I then went over to the desk, turned around, and sat down on the floor. A couple seconds later, Noipe ambled through the door. I frowned at him.

"You get to explain things to him, since it was your idea." I informed Noipe.

"Kung fu watermelon!" Karal declared. Noipe stared at him for a few seconds, then plopped down on the couch and started making kitty noises. After a bit, Karal nodded vigorously, meeped a few times, and fell on his head. Noipe got up and faced me.

"Shall we begin?" he asked. There was a small froofing noise, and Karal's furniture disappeared, leaving the three of us in a bare, vaguely squareish room. I got up, raised The Spoon, and waited for Karal to tell us to start.

"The peanuts will never overthrow the pumpernickel bread." Karal said, nodding sagely. "And you shall bump noses now!"

Taking this as the order to begin, I attacked Noipe. For the first time in my life, all the moves Mother taught me were actually worth something. I went smoothly from Little Squirrel Bites to Rabid Mutant Bunny Rabbit Attacks. Then, as Noipe attacked back, I countered with Don't You Dare Touch Me You Fiend. Things continued like this for some time, until I ran into Karal and fell over. There was a loud

"BANG!", and I fond myself shrinking to the size of a pea. In fact, I

realized as I turned green, I was becoming a pea.

"A PEA? How boring can you get?" I tried to yell. Unfortunately, I was losing my mouth at the time, and it didn't work very well. It kind of came out "A PSHE? Hw brring grssh…"

Noipe smirked at me. "Having problems?" He asked.

"The seaweed is blue in Timbuktu!" Karal put in.

I glared at both of them. Or at least I tried to. It was rather difficult considering I was a pea at the time. Noipe bent down and picked me up, then threw me across the room with an evil cackle.

"EEEHEEHEEHEEEE! TAKE THAT YOU EVIL PERSON THAT I JUST RANDOMLY

STARTED HATING LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO!"

"Sometimes, the sky turns purple and farts at me," Karal commented.

Abruptly, I turned into a green spotted cow. Mooing wildly, I charged at Noipe, while Karal started jumping off the walls and growling like tweety bird.

"GreACH!" Noipe exclaimed happily. "WOOOOOOP!" He turned to run away from me, just as I hit him. I was a fairly short cow, and my horns hit him in the posterior, one on either cheek. Noipe started shrieking wildly, and turned pastel pink. Karal looked at him interestedly, and patted him on the head before spinning around in a circle and leaping into a stuffed chicken's ear. At this point, there was a big popping noise, and Noipe disappeared. I turned back into myself, and Karal's furniture poofed back into place. Unfortunately, Karal's bed poofed into place right on top of me.

"MLEAH!" I squawked.

"Is that sort of like when they give you a big piece of pie that spits plaid acid at you in your sleep?" Karal inquired, while jumping in and out of the stuffed chicken. The chicken evidently decided that it didn't like this, for it abruptly turned into a coffeepot, trapping Karal inside.

"COFFEE!" I yelled, trying to run towards the coffeepot. This was not such a good idea, for I was on my back with a bed on top of me, and I succeeded only in banging my head.

"YOOOP! WEEEEEEEE! NUMMYBROWNSTUFF!" Karal shrieked from the coffeepot.

"Nooo," I whined back at him. "Megami wants the coffee!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAIT'SMINEALLMINE! Oooo, lookit the pretty spider! OW! JERK! I HATE you! MOOOOMMY!" Karal screamed happily. Concerned that he would drink all my coffee, I turned into a potato and rolled into the coffeepot. Once inside, I made myself a mouth and gulped in all the coffee I could hold.

"BLEEAAAAAGH! THAT'S – THAT'S NOT COFFEE!" I shrieked, turning back into myself. Unfortunately, myself was bigger than the coffeepot, which broke open and spilled tea or some shit all over Karal's carpet.

And that's when the moles attacked. A small fish-shaped chunk of rock ran by screaming, closely followed by a pack of moles brandishing sharp pointy objects at it. Within three seconds, the moles caught the rock, hacked it to pieces, and started advancing on Karal and me.

"Megami," Karal hissed at me. "I hafta tinkle."

I blinked. "So jump over them and go." I hissed back, gesturing at the menacing moles.

"'Kay," Karal hissed. He then leaped over the moles, trailing greenish purple feathers behind him, which fell on the moles. Wherever feathers fell, the moles dropped their sharp pointy objects, fell to their knees, and started worshiping the Mighty Rubber Chicken. The moles that didn't get fallen on took out their calculators and incinerated the worshipers. They then threw chalkboards at each other and stuck their sharp point objects into my toe. This rather hurt. I screamed. Screaming didn't make it hurt less. Then I blinked. Blinking made it stop hurting, so I fell asleep and started snoring. I decided I liked this, and would have done it for the rest of the day, but Karal came back and Altra sat on my head.

_:I SMITE YOU:_ he yelled at me. _:YOU SHALL NEVER ESCAPE:_

Blearily, I shoved him off, and sat up. "Meh?" I inquired intelligently.

Karal giggled. "The cheese is especially green smelling today." He informed me.

"Ah." I nodded in an understanding manner.

_:SMITE:_ Altra roared. _:SMITE SMITE SMITEY SMITE:_

"WACHOO!" said Bob, who had turned into a seven-foot tall jellyfish and was standing behind me.

"HOW many times to I have to kill you, boy?" I demanded, whirling around to blast the lamp from his hands.

"Eheh. That's from Aladdin," Karal said in the stupidest voice I had ever heard.

"No shit Sherlock!" I replied, turning around again to give him a weird look.

"I wanna be a mongoose!" Bob exclaimed.

I turned again to give Bob a look. "You can be… a dog." I told him.

"Can I be a mongoose dog?" Bob inquired.

"Invader Zim is cool!" Karal exclaimed happily.

"Of course he is, dear," I said sympathetically, patting him on the head.

_:SMITE:_ Altra put in. _:I SHALL SMITE ALL OF YOU:_

"I'm a man of respect and I prefer to be addressed as Padrino!" Bob shouted at us.

"PADRINO!" Karal and me yelled in reply.

_:SMITE:_ Altra responded.

"Leave the singin' to Sonatra, and always keep your big trap shut!" Bob sang.

Altra jumped into the air, and abruptly turned into a red parrot.

"HA ha!" I shouted at him. "Altra's a purdy burdy!"

"Gaah!" Altra squawked back. "I do' wanna be a bird! I eat birds! And why am I talking in this stupid parrot voice instead of Mindspeaking?"

"I eat birds too," Bob put in with a toothy grin. Wait. Do jellyfish have teeth? Or mouths? Oh well, he's a dog now. A mongoose dog. Don't ask me what that looks like. Aaanyway…

"YAAAH!" Altra yelled as he frantically tried to get away from Bob's wild lunges towards him. "Crazy dog! Mongoose! Thing! Get aWAY! Megamiiiii, get this thing away from meeeeee!"

I considered this for a while. Or at least about a second. "Uhhh… No." I decided.

At this, Altra turned bright Green with rage, and blasted Bob into a random palm tree. "GAAAAAH! Look at this! LOOK at this! I'm so ticked off that I'm MOLTING!"

"Calm yourself, Altra," I said in an evil voice. "Obviously Bob was less than worthy."

"Now THERE'S a big surprise! What a HUGE surprise! I think I'm gonna have a HEART ATTACK and DIE from THAT SURPRISE! We got a BIG problem here, Megami, a BIG PR—" Altra was cut off as I clamped his beak shut.

"Yes," I told him dryly.

"I think jellyfish are really icky." Karal put in.

"I concussion!" Bob agreed dazedly, pulling himself off of the palm tree, which promptly disappeared.

"I'll concussion you!" Altra squawked, turning into a rhino and charging at Bob. Bob responded by turning into a small monkey in a funny hat, and brandishing a large sword at all of us.

"HE'S GOT A SWORD!" I screamed panicedly.

"You IDIOT!" Altra roared. "We've ALL got swords!" With a start, I realized that Altra, Karal, and me had turned into large burly men with big funny turban hats, no shirts, and large pointy swords.

"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." Karal commented, showing four gaps in his teeth.

"CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!" Altra yelled, pointing his sword at bob and running. Karal and I quickly followed suit.

"Blub!" Bob meeped, before gingerly setting down his sword and bolting. We all ran after him for about three feet then ran into the wall and fell over each other trying to stop without falling over.

"YOW!" Bob yelled, as she all turned back into ourselves.

Unfortunately, Bob's self was a triceratops, and was not quite small enough for Karal's room. This caused two walls and part of the ceiling to fall over.

_:YOU:_ Altra yelled at Bob. _:YOU—YOU—YOU WATERMELON! GO FALL ON SOMEONE ELSE'S Tree house! And NEVER EVER! COME HERE! EVER! AGAIN:_

Bob looked tearfully and Altra, and turned around, knocking down part of a third was and more of the ceiling. He then walked out, knocking over the fourth wall. There was then a greenish purple zapping noise, and the walls stood up, Karal fell over, and I screamed. For no apparent reason. This caused Altra to glare at me, sniff haughtily, and lay down on Karal's chest. I fell over, stood on my head, and cried. Then I died. For no apparent reason.

--

Aaaand, that's it. Rocks fall. Everyone dies. Go home. Or not. Whatever. But there's nothing more to see here.


End file.
